Expressing vs repressing emotions: why we do it

The thought of the last centuries has insisted on the use of reason over emotions. Culturally, we have educated ourselves to guide ourselves "rationally", under the premise "I think, therefore I exist", downplaying the emotion and its expression. The current cultural and social environment points to the no emotional expression, above all, those emotions that have been socially and culturally labeled - stigmatized - as negative, such as anger, sadness, pain, or fear. These emotions have been classified as a weakness rather than a potential, consequently there is a tendency to deny, repress, camouflage or appease them. In this context, it is common to hear expressions such as: “If they see you sad or crying they will think you are weak”, “stop being angry: they will to think that you are bitter "," do not laugh so hard: you look so vulgar when you do it "," control yourself, do not cry... "" men do not cry ", etc.

Index

1. Emotions are a fixed component of our behavior program
2. Control: A Neurotic Strategy for Managing Emotions
3. What happens when we repress our emotions
4. The stronger the repression of an emotion, the stronger the emotional explosion
5. Express emotions and feelings

So people tend to mold their emotional expression to socially accepted canons, which may involve repressing or denying certain emotions. As Maickel Malamed says: “Part of emotional management has to do with molds… the man thinks, the woman feels, the men do not cry, the sadness is bad, fear is cowardly… emotion is lost in a moral issue and morality is in action, not in feeling ”. But we deceive ourselves by pretending to mold emotions, and label them as good or bad, positive or negative. Emotions are simply natural expressions of ourselves that express an internal reality, a need.

As human beings, we cannot suspend, disconnect, or eliminate emotions from our repertoire of experiences and behaviors. Emotions are not simply an option within a menu from which we can choose any of the suggested options. Rather, they represent a fixed component of our behavior program. Emotions are knee-jerk reactions - impulses or dispositions - to act, in different situations and circumstances.

Emotions provide us with the direction we need to act in each situation, by facilitating awareness of what our body is experiencing, as they are a faithful expression of what is happening in our life inside. In this sense, emotions give us an accurate reference of what happens to us at a certain moment, and the appropriate energy to act in each situation.

Each of the emotions are signs that help us prepare for respond to different situations. Thus, for example, anger informs us that someone has crossed our limits, pain tells us that a wound has appeared, fear communicates our need for security, Pleasure helps us to become aware that our needs are satisfied, sadness whispers to us of the value of what has been lost, frustration tells us that we have unmet needs - unmet goals -, impotence tells us about the lack of potential for change, confusion tells us that we are processing information contradictory. Each emotion has its own message and intensity.

One of the strategies - sterile and ineffective - that we use the most to deal with the emotions with which we we feel uncomfortable, such as anger, fear, helplessness, frustration, insecurity, among others, is the control. Norberto Levy comments on this: “When we feel an emotion that we dislike, such as fear or anger, we want to control it so that it disappears. But that way it only intensifies. The way is to help her mature ”.

There are many ways to control emotions. We can rationalize them, repress them, deny them or simply try to disconnect them, in case they are too threatening to us. But the result of this "disciplined effort" to control emotions is emotional insanity, loss of contact with the self, inauthenticity, disintegration of the soul.

Deny or repress "unwanted emotions" such as fear, sadness or anger, won't make them go away, no matter how much "discipline and control" we use. They will continue to be present in our lives, but expressing themselves in other ways, such as body rigidity, insomnia, addictions, lack of spontaneity, uncontrolled appearance of traits. and controlled feelings, compulsiveness in some of our actions, functional degradation of the vital sequence of our communication (perception - feeling - expression).

Emotion is energy that our body generates and that by its nature seeks to express itself. Now energy, by physical principle, is not destroyed but rather becomes. This is the case with emotion when we repress it, preventing it from expressing itself through crying, words, laughter, etc... transforms into diseases such as gastritis, digestive problems, cardiovascular problems, cancer, among other diseases; or in psychological insanity, such as guilt, depression, anxiety, etc. It is, therefore, a futile effort to try to "bury the emotions." As Don Colbert puts it: “Emotions don't die. We bury them, but we bury something that is still alive. " Adds Deb Shapiro: "All repressed, denied or ignored emotion is locked up in the body."

When we repress emotions by denying them their expression, the effect of expression and movement that is inhibited is channeled inward. Thus, for example, when we repress anger or fear, the muscular tension that should be experienced in the muscles oriented towards the that are involved in the typical flight or attack response, is directed inward, transferring that load to the internal muscles and viscera. In the long term, that tension that accompanies emotions and that was inhibited, ends up being expressed through other forms such as muscle contractions and stiffness, neck and back pain, gastric diseases, headaches, among others.

The emotions that you do not express, face and resolve, end by manifest in some part of the body.

There is also the debated approach to psychosomatic illnesses, according to which psychogenic physical disorders develop because of repressed feelings.

Controlling emotions is an illusory experience, with very deceptive achievements. Behind the facade of control that the person puts together, a very precarious balance is maintained. Despite the stereotyped resources that the person learns: voice modulation, body postures, artificial gaze, concealing facial gestures, the controller only achieves a transitory transformation of his external behavior, as late or early repressed emotions emerge redeemed by needs crying out.

In each of the stereotyped expressions of "serenity, poise and equanimity", their precariousness will also appear expressed in rigidity, compulsiveness and bad mood, until "the controlled one" bursts out uncontrollably, faced with unforeseen situations or challenges.

On the other hand, the stronger the repression of the emotion, the more powerful and explosive the expression and release of that emotion will be at some point in life. In the long run, repressed emotions end up having an expression that goes beyond the normal response. Says Don Colbert: “The emotions that are trapped within the person seek resolution and expression. This is in the nature of emotions, because they must be felt and expressed. If we refuse to let them come to light, the emotions will struggle to do so. The unconscious mind has to work harder and harder to keep them under the veil that hides them.

The emotions that we keep repressed end up escaping from the unconscious mind.

The key to achieving effectiveness in management and management of emotions is not denying or controlling them, but allow them to flow, which does not mean that if, for example, you are angry with your spouse, you vent your anger and hurt him, or go beyond his limits and rights, but rather let your emotion inform you what is happening with you, and then decide how to attend it in the safest and most productive. The implicit idea is that of "emotional judo", which consists of seeing emotion as a force that seeks to express a need for body and try to absorb the energy or force (flow with what you are feeling - gain full awareness) and help it (do not block it, control her) to complete her movement, using her strength to continue on her way, rather than blocking her, causing her to knock us over. or overwhelm. On the other hand, releasing the energy that we generally use to suppress emotions will produce a huge flow of vitality that will manifest itself in the form of relaxation, creativity, satisfaction and personal power.

There are three metaphors that can serve to illustrate the management of emotions. One is to compare the emotion to a contained, dammed, motionless well of water, which is equivalent to controlling / repressing the emotions. What about the water in such conditions? Naturally it rots, loses vitality. The second metaphor is that of a tsunami, whose violence of water devastates everything in its path, causing death and devastation, which is equivalent to unleashing our emotions without measuring consequences, in such a way that we become servants of our emotions, hurting others and ourselves and saturating ourselves with conflicts interpersonal. The third metaphor is that of a hydroelectric dam, which allows water to flow, but at the same time is channeled for productive purposes. This is the image that I want to leave fresh when talking about emotional judo.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to Expressing vs repressing emotions: why we do it, we recommend that you enter our category of Emotions.

• Goleman Daniel, Emotional Intelligence, Javier Vergara Editor, 1996.
• Martin Doris and Boeck Karin, EQ What is Emotional Intelligence, Edaf, 1997.
• Colbert Don, Emotions That Kill, Nelson Group, 2003.
• Sarno John, Heal the body, eliminate pain, Editorial Sirio, 1998.
• Lange Sigrid, The Book of Emotions, 2004
• Shapiro Deb, Tell me about your ills and I will tell you how to heal them, Robin Book, 2011.
• Levy Norberto, Emotional Wisdom.