Why don't I have willpower?

Don't feel guilty if you think you've tried too many times and failed. If you are one of those who think you don't have willpower To achieve something, please consider reading this article.

In my work as a therapist I have met many people who want to free themselves from the power of addictions. There are different types of addictions: sex, food, drinks, toxic substances (alcohol, tobacco, drugs), gambling, work, shopping. Addiction is any compulsive behavior that is out of our control, that is, it dominates us. The object of addiction can change, it can be an inanimate object, an activity, a person, with which we establish a relationship of dependence, generating the withdrawal syndrome, with all the associated symptoms, especially the anxiety. What all these addictive objects have in common is that they cause us pleasure, that is, they satisfy or rather, We believe that they satisfy one of our needs, because they really make us forget the true need that is for base. They distort our essence, meanwhile, they make us reflect illusively that what we need is to eat, buy, smoke, etc., to feel good, when in reality what we have are other deficiencies, mostly of a psychological nature, such as feeling safe, accepted, loved, recognized.

Index

1. Willpower in case of addictions
2. Why this feeling of not having the will to overcome something?
3. The origin of addictions
4. So is there a lack of will?
5. How do we know what the real needs are and how can we satisfy them?
6. What solution then exists to the recognition of latent needs?

Not being able to contain oneself generates a strong guilt, because the person feels weak and unable to fight against the addictive object. You feel that something that is out of you controls you, despite being aware that it is a mistake, that it causes you harm, or it harms other people. Unfortunately, all addiction therapies are based on a cognitive-behavioral approach. That is, they are based on rewards for withdrawal behavior and interpretations of why the person has begun to manifest a specific addiction. These rationalizations make the person commit to the therapist to avoid these behaviors, which will later be rewarded with recognition before the group of belonging, be it the family or the therapy group that shares the same addiction.

It is stated that the addicted person is chronically ill, who can never be cured again. That is, you must avoid by all means contacting the addictive object or situation, for fear of relapse. This happens because in reality, the person with an addiction develops a chain of addictions, sometimes of a different nature, while none of the addictive objects satisfies the true need that is causing the lack. Some become substitutes for others, that is, it is a chain of substitutions. We have treated people who justify having started drinking alcohol due to the breakdown of a relationship, or as a result of the loss of a loved one. We know that when faced with a breakup, it is normal for the person to feel bad, but if it is impossible for them to overcome the loss, we think that that The relationship constituted in itself an out-of-control dependency, which in order to “overcome it” gives rise to another dependency, in the example, the alcohol.

Although it is true that there is an interaction between genes and the environment in addictive behavior, because this is so complex it is not possible to determine exactly the causes of this pathology. Techniques have not yet been found that make it possible to specify which genes are involved in this pathology, so far a model has been proposed multifactorial, where the genetic aspect can condition a certain vulnerability to suffer from addictions, although the decisive role is still assumed by the factors environmental (1). Therefore, our position focuses on the weighting of environmental factors, without ignoring the importance, not yet precise, of genetic factors. We know that within the environmental factors we find the family with their respective interaction models. Due to this fact, the limits between the genetic and the educational become imprecise.

To explain this lack of energy or willpower, we must delve into the explanation of the mechanisms of satisfaction of needs, based on the thesis that there is no unmotivated behavior, in other words, that it does not respond to a specific need. When someone acts, there is a need pressing that behavior, although the subject is not always aware of it.

To understand this mechanism I will refer to what in Gestalt therapy he is known as the experience cycle, introduced by J. Zinker (2). This cycle can be understood as an energy cycle that is passed through the appearance of a new experience in the life of any of us. When a need [1] arises, we go through several stages until it is satisfied. The first moment begins with the Sensitization, that is, the person experiences a deficit in the body, a tension arises due to something that he still cannot specify, for example, a certain tickling in the stomach. The second phase is Awareness, and it is when the person discovers the object of his need, in the example cited, it is when the person realizes that the tickling he feels is hunger.

The Mobilization It occurs when the person prepares for action, that is, decides that he needs to eat. The Action occurs when the person goes to the object that satisfies the need for it, in this case, locates where the food is and goes to look for it. The Contact It occurs when the person meets the object and manages to satisfy the need for it, in this case, eats. Once the need is satisfied, the Post contact, that is, when the person is fully satisfied, a loss of energy occurs and he enters a state of rest or relaxation, that is, he does not feel like anything else, even if it is his favorite dish, until he feels hunger.

If we follow this scheme of satisfaction of needs, we realize that when a need arises, a tension is generated that provides enough energy to mobilize action. That energy will have a suitable course until its total loss, once the need has been satisfied with the object that corresponds to it. What locks can occur during this process?

If the need arises, but it does not find the right object for its satisfaction, for example, we have the feeling of hunger, but we cannot find something to eat, that tension will push us to find a substitute object, say, drink something. It is like trying to deceive the need by looking for a palliative that can calm him momentarily, but that he will return to claim his satisfaction shortly. The tension continues to move the person, who by not finding the right object, will look for something else to numb the lack of it. He will never be satisfied with the substitute object, because in truth, that object is not destined for the true need.

Many times the therapies that promote abstinence, suppress the substitute object and the initial tension does not find an outlet, thus generally causing a aggressive behavior, while aggressiveness is nothing more than a mobilization to action. If you prevent the action from taking place, even if it is in search of a substitute object, the initial tension will accumulate, for this reason, the person becomes moody, anxious and even violent. Guilt feelings are also generated, as the person feels that he must flee to avoid falling into temptation, when in In reality, far from being avoided, we must seek to meet or become aware of the true need that “hides” behind the addiction.

That is why I am not in favor of the addict being chronically ill, but rather that he is ill treated badly. An addiction is a state of perennial lack, which, far from finding satiety, requires increasing doses, since addictive objects are substitutes for the true objects that would lead the person to achieve that state of rest or relaxation, where no more than what is required same. Addicted people lack something, that is, they never manage to satisfy the need that gave rise to the tension that drives them to perform an action in a repetitive and out of control nature.

This psychological mechanism is used by advertising, by manipulating customer needs and stimulating consumerism. They know that most people they are not fully satisfied and, furthermore, they are not fully aware of their status; They run after what they think they need, hoping to find that relaxed state called happiness. They have the illusion that their deficiencies will be solved once they acquire the product that is offered to them. They harbor the false idea that a product, or a certain lifestyle, will bring them the happiness they crave so much. Worst of all, most don't know what he really needs.

From the moment we are born we are forced to repress our needs, to go after a model or prototype of what our parents, and society in general, expect of us. Basic needs such as physiological ones (eating when we have no desires; not eating what we want, or going to bed when we are not sleepy); protection and security (leaving us alone when we need to be accompanied or invade our space when we want to be alone); of acceptance and identification (conditioning affection and acceptance to do what we do not want). Who has not suffered any of these psychological and physical violence throughout his life?

There comes a time when we disconnect from our true needs and begin to believe that we really we need what others tell us. This is the origin of addictions. We forget what our true need is and we become a "ship with no direction", at the mercy of any object, person or situation where to place our tensions arising from the needs latent. The needs are still there, hidden from our conscience. Regardless of when they arose, they continue to create tension. But worst of all is that contact with this substitute does not relieve the tension that has arisen, but rather increases it. Where does this tension go?

In the search for a substitution, we will find a momentary relief. The worst of all is that these substitutions will never satisfy us, they will not calm our anxiety, they will only make us forget it for a while. And we continue compulsively, without being able to stop, looking for the relief that takes longer and longer to arrive and increasing the feeling of helplessness, feeling weak because we cannot fight against them.

As you may have noticed, the compulsion to fill “this bottomless basket” really weakens us. Only a person who has completed a cycle gets rest. If I am hungry and eat a tasty and nutritious meal until I am fully satisfied, it is very likely that if I am presented with a new dish, no matter how attractive it may be, I will reject it.

You may wonder, why is it that a person who is addicted to food, whenever he is presented with food, cannot resist the urge to eat even if his stomach is totally full? Because that person who eats compulsively does not do it out of physiological hunger, but by eating he tries to satisfy a need of another kind, probably a hunger for affection.

A child whose physiological needs are adequately satisfied, according to free demand; When he feels protected, safe, accepted, stimulated, he will begin to develop great willpower, which is nothing but enough energy to say NO when he has to reject what he does not want, or defend his needs with total conviction and independence. It is not that he is a capricious child who must be pleased in everything, but he will be a tolerant, patient, willing and creative child, that he can adapt perfectly to situations and learns to prioritize his needs, while waiting for the most convenient moment of satisfy them. He adjusts to the conditions creatively because he is sure that he will always be able to satisfy them. In contrast, the tantrum and domineering child is an insecure child, who knows that he has to use these mechanisms if he is to satisfy his needs. An adaptable child is one who knows that he will be able to satisfy his needs, without having to manipulate others.

In summary, we can say that the recognize our true needs, without self-deception or rationalizations, and knowing how to orient ourselves where to find what satisfies them, is to have a plan, an objective, it is give meaning to our life. Often the addict lacks these expectations, or makes unattainable plans, unaware of his real possibilities. A blockage called postponement occurs, that is, the person postpones each closure, and will not be able to adequately initiate the satisfaction of a new need, as long as there is one that is not satisfied. Abraham Maslow, in his theory of human Motivation, posited that the highest needs do not arise until the lower ones have been satisfied (3). The addict is a person who becomes desensitized, that is, he stops feeling his true needs, he stops feeling himself.

We know that the process of self-knowledge is difficult. There are too many defense mechanisms, accumulated since childhood, masking our true needs. Awareness occurs with the help from a therapist that allows to detect unfinished situations, to express the unexpressed, to look for the direction and to make the direct expression. Experiencing in the present what you do not want or what you hide, in order to realize it. To experience, to experience again, as if it were happening in the present moment. Reflecting on our childhood, repeating phrases, gestures, giving life to the objects that we use as substitutes and allowing them to “speak to us”. That is, trying to translate certain gestures, acting, and identifying feelings and emotions on the verbal plane.

If you have lost confidence in yourself, if you find yourself guilty of fighting something you consider stronger May you think that all is not lost, that in the present you can find a way to be a true winner. Gestalt therapy it is a very good option.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

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1. Ibañez Cuadrado A. (2008): Genetics of addictions. Addictions Magazine, no. 2, Vol. 20, link: http://www.adicciones.es/ficha_art_new.php? art = 587
2. Zinker, J. (1979): The creative process in Gestalt Therapy. Buenos Aires. Paidos.
3. Maslow, A. H. (1943): A THEORY OF HUMAN MOTIVATION, Originally Published in Psychological Review, 50, 370-396. Link: http://www.altruists.org/f62