Do you think your behavior is toxic? Do you feel like you hurt the people around you? You do not know how to act or behave so as not to hurt others? If you think that you are not acting empathically with your environment and you are worried about being a toxic person, in this Psychology-Online article we explain how to stop being a toxic person, how to detect negative behaviors towards others and towards yourself in order to improve your personal relationships.
Index
- Why am I such a toxic person
- How to stop being a toxic person
- How not to be toxic in a relationship
Why am I such a toxic person.
If you consider that you are a toxic person, either because relatives have expressed it that way or because you feel that something is not going well in your relationships, it is important that you are clear about the concepts in which bases the toxic personality, so you can see if you feel identified. If we look anywhere for the definition of a toxic person we find a consensual explanation similar to this: "Selfish and / or narcissistic person who affects the people around him."
If we take this as the basis of the toxic personality, there are two important characteristics to consider: selfishness and narcissism. When we consider these two terms it is very unlikely that we will have the capacity to recognize them, since in contrast humility is needed to recognize the qualities that we consider less favorable in ourselves themselves. Leaving this aside, I would like to continue analyzing the terms that concern us, selfishness and narcissism.
Selfishness
When we think of the term selfishness, we automatically qualify it as negative, leading to thoughts of despotic attitudes, arrogance, etc. but the definition of selfishness has more dimensions than we know. There is altruistic selfishness, conscious selfishness, and selfish selfishness. These three types of egoism have the same root, the primary function of satisfying our needs, but the difference is in how this need is expressed to the world.
In the altruistic selfishness has its essence when we are not moved by the need to constantly satisfy our emotional void, allowing you to enjoy the links with other people from love.
The conscious selfishness refers to the relationship we build with ourselves, from self-love and self-satisfaction of our needs, as the basis that happiness is found in ourselves and not in external factors, be they people or objects.
And finally the egocentric selfishness, is generated by this low connection with ourselves, the insecurity that produces a fragile self-esteem and in need of constant approval by outsiders, social position, job positions, etc. This leads to a attitude of constant need when we bond with other people.
- For example: I need to be told that I look good when I groom myself because I am not able to feel confident about my image.
In this example, we see the role of others in sustaining our self-esteem. I invite you to take some time to reflect on how your relationships with the people around you are, what they contribute to your being and if there are demand on your part, with this simple observation you will be able to detect if your relationships are healthy or have a toxic attitude for your part.
Narcissism
On the other hand we have the narcissistic factor, this characteristic of behavior is based on a exaggerated belief in the importance of oneself, along with the constant need for admiration and attention from others, focusing on the belief of the self. This implies a low empathy by the person with narcissistic traits. Empathy allows us to detect other people's emotions and create links with the people around us, this means that people with traits Narcissists do not usually think about the implications of their actions, or how these may affect others since their level of empathy is very low or null
- For example: I want to go out with my partner to eat and I feel like sushi, the other person does not like sushi, but I am indifferent and if we are not going to eat sushi I get angry with my partner.
How to stop being a toxic person.
If you detect any similarity between your usual behavior and the characteristics mentioned above, it is important that acknowledge your courage because this means that you want to improve and change what is not optimal for you in your relationships close. It must be taken into account that people do not acquire toxic behaviors, in general, by their own will or from consciousness, rather it is a intrinsic need derived from emotional emptiness or low emotional awareness. For this reason the attitude of wanting to improve is a great factor in this vital change, which will allow you to motivate yourself to grow emotionally and learn in a new area of your life.
This learning can start with a simple exercise: stop and do a self-criticism to be able to detect when your behavior is excessive and how far you are able to go to achieve your personal satisfaction. It is likely that initially find it difficult to recognize narcissistic or selfish traits, since your mental speech is formed from this attitude. If we take into account that we build ourselves through mental speech, it is easy to begin to recognize ourselves through it, that is, if we listen to ourselves as we tell ourselves something, simply observing it, without judging or wanting to be rightOnly by listening to ourselves as if we were spectators of ourselves, we can begin to discover ourselves and make the necessary changes.
For example, think of a situation where you have been selfish, that you would like to be right or that you put your wishes before others. Start a mental speech explaining what happened on that occasion. Let the mental speech flow, but watch it and analyze:
- How do you justify yourself?
- Who do you charge the responsibility to?
- What position do you acquire in this explanation?
When you have finished the speech, ask yourself these three questions, if the answers are aimed at a "coherent" explanation of why you acted this way, that it was your Right or your duty, that the responsibility belongs to the other and that "I am not to blame", it is likely that there is a low responsibility for yourself and your behavior.
If it is difficult for you to do this exercise alone, find someone you trust to help you, ask them to simply listen to your speech without giving an opinion.
After you have tried this exercise, you can do it again, this time questioning yourself, nothing happens to feel insecure or vulnerable, learning to feel vulnerable allows us to contact other emotional dimensions that help us grow. We are surrounded by stimuli and beliefs that tell us that feeling weak or bad is something negative, in the study of the emotional dimension of the human being this belief is completely wrong and counterproductive, since what emotional pain and sadness have specific functions in emotional growth. In the same way that when we break an arm we feel pain and it alerts us that something is not right, helping us to become aware of immobilization and the need for rest of the affected limb for its effective recovery, emotional pain acts in the same way.
When we feel weak, vulnerable or sad it is an indication that something is not going well, so it is healthy to give ourselves the space necessary to take care of ourselves and attend us emotionally. As we explained before, narcissistic and / or egocentric traits have a fragile self-esteem that is sustained by external stimuli, possibly when you begin to review these more internal aspects you feel unpleasant or uncomfortable sensations that you do not know how to handle. It is positive that in the improvement process you have real support that can transmit confidence, well-being and emotional security.
exist specialized professionals in the emotions that can accompany you in this process to gain more confidence in yourself and knowledge of your emotions. In this case, professionals with humanistic and / or transpersonal approaches are the most suitable for work self-esteem and behaviors derived from the emotional world.
How not to be toxic in a relationship.
The first thing to take into account to stop being a toxic person is your behavior, detect how you affect others and how you can improve that attitude. Attitudes can be modified little by little, with patience and being very aware of them so as not to repeat them.
Learn to value the other person's emotions, try to understand and respect attitudes different from yours will do may your empathy grow and experience greater satisfaction with your links. Keeping in mind that relationships with others are not to satisfy our need, but to share who we are will help you to have a good foundation in your relationships. Something very interesting in the relationships we build is that they are usually a reflection of who we are, that is, we get to have healthy and satisfying relationships when we get to have a good relationship with ourselves. Therefore, in order to learn to value emotions and respect the attitudes of others, we must first understand our own emotions and attitudes in all their facets.
If you really think your behavior has been toxic in the past and you want to improve, it is very coherent and healthy that you inform your environment and relationships that you consider important for the change you want to make. If the environment supports you and sees it as positive, it is a good basis to grow, if on the contrary there are reluctance, it is positive that you understand that when we make a change, whatever it is, the environment we belong to begins to change peripherally and this is not always something that everyone wants to experience. Respecting the fears of others and their own process will allow you to focus on yours without judging others.
Later it is healthy to try detect what your need is, what is the root of that behavior and what do you look for in others. Knowing this will help you to be able to satisfy it in a healthier way and from you. These processes are never quick or easy, but the moment we are able to detect them we have the ability to modify them and grow emotionally. Remember that emotional processes are complicated and learn to ask for help It is a show of commitment and self-love.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to How to stop being a toxic person, we recommend that you enter our category of Personal growth and self-help.
Bibliography
- Fromm, E. (2017) Have or be. Barcelona: Paidós.
- Goleman, D. (1996) Emotional intelligence. Barcelona: Kairos.
- Lowen, A. (2000) Narcissism. Barcelona: Paidós.
