I've written before that saying what you want is the best way to get what you want. But with this way you still do not have a guarantee that you will receive what you want. The other person you ask for something has her own will and with this she can always deny you what you want. Of course you'd rather not do it. Getting what you want is a matter of possibilities. For you the most important thing is to ask for something with the greatest probability of success. This possibility among other things depends on the way you say what you want. "c'est la ton qui fait la musique", say the French. In other words, how your request sounds is important.
In this PsychologyOnline article, we will give a series of tips on how to say what you want.
Index
- Choose your words well
- Respect the freedom of the other
- Explain your reasons
- When to say what you want
- Say it early
Choose your words wisely.
There are several ways to sound what you ask for. You can sound nice or a little angry. Pleading or determined, forceful or weak, and so on. These differences are difficult to manage. They are usually the consequences of how you feel. You have to be a good actor to sound nice if you're angry. Your tone will spontaneously adapt to your sense.
However, what you can command best are the words you use. Sometimes it is not easy but your will makes it possible to say what you want regardless of how you feel. So you can always choose words that you think are fair when you ask someone for something. This is important because normally people are very sensitive to the words they hear.
Words can irritate, hurt, caress, or give pleasure. That is why with words you can influence the tendency of the other person to do what you want. How you verbalize your request when you ask for something is a powerful factor in determining success. Also, with words that are almost unique, you can be very different in what you want.
Respect the freedom of the other.
In general, you have to formulate your request in a way that leaves the other free. The other person should not be forced no way. She should feel totally free to give what you have asked of her. In such a case the possibility that it does what you want is great. Any pressure will make the likelihood of success worse.
Freedom is not only important to humans. But for the animals too. If you want an animal to back off, don't pull its tail or push its head. Maybe that goes well with a trained horse, but with almost all other animals you will feel resistance. Living beings do not like to be forced, they want to move on their own.
The formula to ask for something that I advise is: "I would like….", "I would like ……" or "I would like… ..". With those prayers you express a wish. Humans are social beings and have a tendency to do someone a favor. At least if they are free to do so. They must be in control of the situation. That is why you must clearly show that you are the person who wants something.
So it is important that express your phrase in the first person. Asking for something in the second person in an interrogative phrase is also possible but worse because it is somewhat evasive and with that you are forcing a bit. The other person may feel manipulated if he has to guess what you want and do it himself. This effect is even stronger with the use of the second person plural. In that case you say that the other person must want what you want.
Except for relationships where you can demand unconditional obedience as with children, never use words like "must" or "have to do". It is evident that with these words you are forcing the other person. Nobody likes that. Each person prefers to decide for himself what he has to do and you can always expect resistance if you do not give him that freedom.
Explain your reasons.
A more subtle way to force is give reasons for what you want. With reasons you turn your wishes into something logical as if they were laws of nature that must be respected. The reasons always have something imperative. Regardless of how you make your argument, forcing is an unavoidable effect of arguing and you can expect the other person to defend their freedom. Usually he does it with a reason against that there always is.
So you get an argument that was not what you wanted. Maybe you gave your explanations to help the other person understand what you want. Perhaps because you would feel somewhat insecure or you had doubts that the other person was willing to give you what you want. It can be a personal style to give reasons in almost all situations. Several patients have told me about themselves.
For people who lack self-confidence it is difficult to ask for something without giving explanations. They fear rejection and it is ironic that the consequences are the opposite of what they want to achieve. With their arguments they are limiting the freedom of the other and this does not help to obtain what they want but they are deteriorating it. Thus the possibility will be greater that what they fear will happen.
The same events are common if what you want is very important to you. In this case, you will also be inclined to give reasons in order to send the opinion of the other and receive understanding. However, with that there is a great risk that the other feels forced and reacts with a rejection. Fortunately, there is another way to make the prayer louder.
If you want something a lot, you can say you love him very much. With that you are only reinforcing your desire and your request not. Thus the freedom of the other person remains intact. But take care that do not exaggerate. If you say that what you want is something you need, you are demanding again. Especially if you do it with explanations of conditions if you do not receive what you want.
Only when the other person asks you to explain or say why you ask for what you want is there another situation. So with an answer you are not damaging the freedom of the other but you are serving him. However, in this case I advise to be parsimonious with your argument because it will soon change into something imperative.
I do not advise you never to lie to anyone but I think that it is often better not to say everything you could say and what you consider to be the truth. At least if your goal is to get what you want to get and not to say what you wanted to say. Take care what you say it is important in any situation and that can mean that you shut up.
To be weighing your words like that is not easy and usually it is not so pleasant. Maybe talking without always caring and reacting by following your feelings seems better to you. Often times it would be more attractive to say everything you think point blank. But these pleasures last short and in the longer term it will be more satisfying to get what you want.
When to say what you want.
To get what you want I have advised to say what you want and I have given suggestions on how to phrase your request. It will be clear that this does not give you a guarantee of getting what you want but they are ways to improve the possibilities. Now I give another tip that can help. It's when to order. The question of when to ask means the "timing" and that deserves attention.
As I have written before, a major influencing factor in your success is the freedom you give to the person you ask for something. If the other feels free to do you a favor for him, it will be difficult not to. Humans are social beings who have a strong tendency to help if they can. But like all living beings they will react with resistance if they feel forced.
Among other things the freedom of the other depends on the timethat remains after you have made the order to him. That is why the best time to ask a person for something is when the other person has enough time to decide whether to give or deny you what you want. The other has to have time to reflect on your request and needs the opportunity to think of an alternative or an amendment.
Perhaps in most cases the other person does not use that occasion and responds directly without giving any signs of reflecting on your request. But don't think that means giving him the opportunity wasn't important. On the contrary, it has been very important. What he counts is not the freedom he uses but the freedom he has. The other must feel free.
Therefore, you have to avoid every form of pressure not only with what you say but also with the time you give to the other. He must have time before answering. That is why it is good to make your request as soon as possible and you have to do it without haste so it is relaxing for the recipient. If you are in a hurry you will need self-control not to show your anxiety.
Giving a chance to reflect your request can be difficult. Especially if what you ask for is a permit that is very important to you. You want to not give the other time to think because you know that this can result in rejection. The best thing is not to give any time if you think it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission and that can sometimes be a good strategy.
However, I think that normally the danger of not asking or not giving enough time is greater. If the other feels rushed or manipulated he will get angry and will tend to deny your request. It would be better to ask in a good way that is add what is important to you and that the other can be of great help. If you want an answer soon, tell him that too. So you place an order within another order and the same principles apply to both.
Say it early.
If you place your order early, the other person has a lot of time left. That is beneficial for you because it is relatively easy for the other to concede something that is in the distant future. Also if you are the first to speak about an issue you can take advantage of the benefit of the initiative. Your idea enters the mind of the other and because of that, his thoughts go in the direction of your request.
To avoid that your order is a robbery you can prepare the other with some general warnings. Usually ordering something early is much better than ordering it too late. If you don't give the other enough time, you are restricting their freedom a lot. This often happens if you've been waiting too long or waiting until the last hour with your order. That's a common trend if you have a hard time ordering.
Asking for something can be difficult because with that you run the risk of rejection that there always is. That is easier to bear if your request has been something for your work or business than for your personal interests. A rejection of personal desires can easily be experienced as a rejection of yourself. Especially if you want something from another person with whom you would like to establish a more intense relationship. In these cases a postponement reaction is very common.
You are waiting for a fair occasion. Maybe you want to place your request in the course of a conversation to make it seem more natural. But it is very dangerous to wait. You may be waiting forever. The occasion always doesn't seem fair enough and you wait for a better time. In the meantime, you are making your chances of success worse by limiting each other's time.
Also, if you link your order to an occasion it appears that you did not do it intentionally. By doing this, you pretend that the matter is of less importance to you. So you are communicating something that is contrary to the truth. By making your request without waiting for an occasion you treat him more seriously and with that you are increasing the possibility that the other will take you seriously too.
So by making a special appointment for your order you are improving your opportunities. Like giving the other time to reflect on their response, the likely effect is the opposite of what you would fear. That means it's better not being dominated by psychological feelings and fight them. With the success that you can live with later, you will overcome those anxieties.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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