Violence in young couples: the basics

Do we young people underestimate violence? We should start with the basis that the perception of violence that, like so many other things, in men and women is different, men present a belief that if there is no contact There is no physical violence, for their part women, more and more, generalize this violence not only to the physical sphere, making more and more reference to psychological, economic and violence. sexual.

Many researchers have been paying attention to this problem for years, but with a perspective that has never been taken into account. In this Online Psychology article we are going to discover the basics of violence in young dating so that you understand where this situation comes from.

Index

1. Violent behavior in the partner
2. Factors that increase the risk of intimate partner violence
3. The low self-esteem of the aggressor
4. The concept of "honor" in the couple
5. The transmission hypothesis
6. Two types of gender violence
7. Ideas about romantic love

After the disastrous events that have occurred in our country for a few years now (always present in our society but remained silent) many dedicated to research on this topic, but only focused on the family environment, on gender violence itself within a home, family or partner already consolidated.

We must refer to the fact that some studies carried out in recent years reveal something that all researchers On the subject they were already feared, gender violence begins in the courtship (Barnett, Miller-Perrin and Perrin, 1997), (Echeburúa and De-Corral, 1998).

Therefore, and attending to our topic, we will focus on the most relevant studies by various authors that empirically support this idea that violence begins in dating.

This violence, always subtle, starts and develops gradually, Sometimes it is so slow that it is not aware of it for many years, even becoming hidden until a tragic outcome (Arias, 1987).

Authors such as Corsi and Ferreira, (1998), point to several behaviors to take into account that can predict male violence in relationships of young couples, which we can include in the following:

• Control and isolation: Demand explanations for everything, make prohibitions, criticize the people with whom you interact, demand that you dedicate more time ...
• Aggressiveness: Especially verbal in young people, they tend to get angry frequently and over trifles ...
• Contempt and humiliation: He stops talking or disappears without explanation, makes fun, uses what he knows about your life to reproach you, is seductive with other girls just to hurt you ...
• Handling: He lies, he tricks you to see if you are sincere, he threatens you with his discomfort, he manipulates you to make you see that if he is wrong it is because of you ...
• Denial of errors: He does not apologize (at first, if he sees that the relationship is in danger, yes, although he does not really regret it), he refuses to discuss the things that are important to you, he blames you (“you don't realize it, you make me get angry ”) ...

According to some authors (Barnett et al. 1997), indicate that there are some factors that can place couples at risk, which On the other hand, it does not mean that this violence has to occur as long as they are met, these factors would:

• An excessive desire to always control the other: where you go, with whom, control your social networks (this is mine)
• Violence in the family context. Having suffered child abuse, or having observed abuse in their reference figures.
• Traditionalism in gender roles: the man is the one in charge of the house, the woman has to be the caregiver, if a woman works she neglects her house (she is the one who has to take care of all her tasks) ...
• Overly romantic view of love relationships: "love can do everything", "I can change him", if I leave him feeling bad, I don't love him "...

Regarding the aggressors, we can point out that these they always need to have a control on others, if this is not obtained in one area (e.g. work), it is resorted to appeasing it in another (e.g. subduing the couple), this always increasing (Stets, 1991).

Authors such as Pence and Shepard, 1999, have proposed a theory, “The control wheel”, which tells us how the aggressors' strategies to achieve control work total of a person, this theory has been widely accepted in some areas especially in the study of criminal behavior, and of course in the subject that touches us, violence in the couples

This theory tells us very succinctly that the aggressors, before practicing physical violence as such, resort to other strategies that respond to the psychological violence (teasing, intimidation, threats, etc.). These strategies attend to the "logic" of submitting a person by annulling him, to the point that at the moment of exercising physical violence, the victim believes or considers that it is her fault, or that she deserves.

At this point it is worth mentioning that the aggressors are considered subjects with low self-esteem, which makes them susceptible to being victims of other problems of social maladjustment (teasing, isolation, alcoholism, etc.) that is, supported by several studies (Stih and Farley, 1993), however the studies of Prince and Arias, 1994, do not find a clear correlation between these two factors, Taking this into account, my point of view leads me to think that not only factors such as self-esteem are involved in these correlations. investigate more about this correlation, taking into account factors such as the environment, the situation or emotional factors such as hopelessness, depression, or quality of life.

Also note that several authors refer to something interesting, that this low self-esteem is not a cause to exercise violence, but from a consequence derived from the social categorization that these subjects acquire when they are treated as aggressors, or the labels imposed by society, which, even though they are not denounced by their partners, at certain times they perceive themselves as such.

Continuing through this social field we cannot stop talking about the theoretical construct known as "Culture of honor", This, sadly in my opinion, is well rooted in our country and in many others, it consists of an idea attributed by the environment that we have to protect our honor by all means and that any threat to it must be appeased or "avenged" in its most drastic cases, producing a representation collective or mental idea of ​​what is or is not correct and what will be the consequences related to the actions issued, that is, it becomes a product cultural. When this level of cultural product is reached and this principle is rooted in culture, its importance is unquestionable and it generates cultural differences in its manifestation (López-Zafra, 2007ª).

This idea of ​​the culture of honor inevitably leads related to the problem of jealousy and the satisfaction in the couple since it is assumed that the couple also has to watch over the honor blaming this if the relationship is broken or if it is not fulfilled as one of the parties perceives that it is correct (López-Zafra, 2007ª).

Some authors in their studies focused on jealousy conclude by demystifying this emotion, definitively ending up separating it from love, considering that more than a sample of The above are a sample of selfishness (finding a high correlation between these two constructs), love, yes, but towards oneself, other emotions arising from them What envy and resentment if it is perceived that the other party is doing better than them, society being the trigger for this type of perceptions that if they are hidden makes them flourish (friends, work, religion ...), (Pine, 1998).

In recent years many authors have worked with the "transmission hypothesis", this refers to the idea that children who they have suffered abuse or have seen how their reference persons have exercised or suffered these, they tend to become aggressors or victims, this idea Although supported by many researchers, it is also rejected by many others since no reliable data is obtained nor generalizable.

What if they agree is that it is not necessary to label neither aggressors nor victims, since the labels in people with this type of problems produce a categorization and an acquisition of roles on their part; all people at a given moment in our lives react accordingly to how they treat us and much more young people, therefore if a young person violent is treated badly, normally, he will misbehave ("before you hurt me I will do it to you"), this is known as the "prophecy self-fulfilling ”; On the other hand, in submissive people they also tend to behave accordingly but they believe that not standing out or not attracting attention is the best technique of escape, leading these people not to react to the violence they suffer or even believe that it is normal, this is known as "defenselessness learned ”.

Johnson (1995), following these ideas defines two types of gender violence, that generalizes to relationships of young couples, these would be:

• Patriarchal terrorism: They are individuals with a traditionalist belief system to the maximum, they maintain a devalued image of women (this is less than men and their duty is to serve him), the violence exerted by the aggressors who have this profile is systematic, functional and continuous, it usually encompasses all four types, physical, psychological, economic and in many cases sexual (although this is always more difficult for victims to recognize when they believe that it is their obligation). The violence exerted by these subjects has devastating consequences on the victims, due to the continuation of this and by the fluid handling of the aggressors of psychological manipulation strategies (contempt, mockery, sarcasm ...).
• External violence: defined as more subtle, this would encompass machismo, sexism, misogyny... this would also include the paternalistic and maternalistic roles of relationships that do not They do something other than maintain the patriarchal role on the part of the man and that of the “caregiver woman” on the part of the woman, distinguishing these behaviors as micromachisms (Bonino, 2004).

It is also discussed by some authors attachment theory, but without conclusive results. Yes, the latest theories about memory gain more strength, which says that these are based on specific parts of our brain in charge of memory, but that they are modulated and even modified by our current situation (emotions, attitudes, environment, etc.), which reconstructs them even in different ways in very specific moments (Damasio, 1994), (Shank and Abelson, 1995).

But without going any further and that all the current movies and series aimed at young people maintain and are sustained by these ideas, the chivalric idea of ​​romantic love gives a lot of play to the authors (who mostly direct women), the protagonists (female) of these series and movies (twilight, 3msc, etc ..) pursue a single goal which is to be with their "love" and to achieve it they are willing to spend for whatever, suffering, pain, contempt, etc... on the other hand, their knights in shining armor, do not have to make an effort at all, they hide behind ideas like, "for me it's late, I can't change, if you want us to be together you know what you're up against", (Edward, twilight, (phrase taken from the original version in English)), what do they come to tell us with this? I see it clearly “I am the way I am, I am not going to change because I do not have to, if someone here has to make an effort to change, that's you ", which again maintains the maternalistic idea," I'm sure that with my love I will change it ", which leads us to another of the classic ideas of love romantic, “LOVE CAN DO IT ALL”.

Nothing is further from reality, love does not heal a beating, love does not heal a broken bone, love is not capable of resuscitating anyone, love is what It is, a necessary feeling for all that comes and goes but that does not have to make us maintain a harmful situation for ourselves anymore. what love goes hand in hand with happiness and in no case should we bear his repeated suffering.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to Violence in young couples: the basics, we recommend that you enter our category of Intimate partner violence.