How to Set LIMITS on CHILDREN

How to set limits for children it becomes a difficult task for many parents who confuse limits and norms with denial of behaviors without more. On many occasions, this behavioral limitation supposes the repression of basic needs for their development that can cause negative consequences in their physical, mental or emotional evolution.

From Psychology-Online we intend to clarify this issue a bit to reduce the confusion and discomfort that parents and mothers experience on many occasions in this regard.

Index

1. How to put limits on children without harming them
2. Guidelines for setting limits on sons and daughters
3. Norms and limits in children from 2 to 3 years old
4. Norms and limits in children from 4 to 5 years old
5. Norms and limits in children from 6 to 7 years old

Setting limits for children involves making them understand and carry out certain "rules of conduct" whose main objective is to

• Set standards under criteria of authority (vs authoritarianism), assertiveness (vs aggressiveness), emotional support, empathy and security.
• Establish the minimum of necessary rules, offering the maximum possible freedom.
• The rules must be clearly stated.
• The expression of emotions, including negative ones, should be allowed to, from there, carry out an accompaniment of the child that favors their emotional self-regulation. In the following article you will find how to work emotions in boys and girls.
• The few rules must be firm, constant and consistent.
• They should be set with the objective of fostering responsibility and self-discipline in the child (as opposed to blind obedience encouraged by authoritarian norms).

To establish clear limits for our sons and daughters, it is essential that we know the characteristics principles of each stage of child development and adapt these norms to the evolutionary moment of our child or daughter. Between 2 and 6 years, we must take into account what level of development they are at and set limits accordingly.

At the motor level

The limits must respect and not interfere with their natural development of neuromuscular abilities: walking, running, jumping, throwing the ball, etc.

At a cognitive level

• In communicating boundaries, we must take into account their use of symbolic function (imagination) and language development.
• When evaluating your behavior, we must differentiate between instrumental aggression (basic need) and hostile aggression.
• The establishment of any limit must recognize the egocentricity of this stage to, in a careful way, make him understand the rules of conduct.
• The assessment of their behaviors must respect the process of progressive construction of their identity that can lead to children to processes of rebellion against certain norms, which do not go beyond a process of self-affirmation personal.

On an emotional level

• When evaluating behavior, it is important to differentiate between focus on positive initiative of the child or in the guilt of the negative result achieved.
• Setting limits should reinforce effort done so as not to provoke feelings of inferiority.
• The limits must consider and favor the socialization process that the child goes through.
• They should respect your process of construction of gender identity.
• The limits should consider the emotional lability of this stage (fear of monsters and the dark, importance of perceiving the world as a safe place, etc.).

The fundamental thing in this stage of motor and sensory exploration, will be to put limits that protect them from potential accidents. To set these limits it is important to speak in a way clear and firm, looking them in the eye and making a small physical contact so that they attend us. This is not the time to make great arguments since its rational functioning is in a primitive state and are still immersed in sensory functionality (attend immediately to sensory stimuli, not so much rational).

At this time, tantrums are typical, due to the process of personal self-affirmation. It is important that they are accompanied in a respectful way without entering into power struggles or, on the other hand, tolerating aggressive behavior. Accompany tantrums from your own calm, allows the child to return little by little to the center of it.

Children as young as 4 or 5 begin to understand that their actions have consequences. From here on, it is important clarify which behaviors are allowed and which are not. It is not necessary to establish penalties since the very consequence of their unauthorized conduct (the discrediting of the action by the parents, the disgust it generates, etc.) may be convincing enough to the child not to do it or to regret having it done. There is much debate about the use of punishment or reinforcements.

This is a very important moment to work on empathy and make them understand how their behavior can affect the emotions of the people around them and their own. This awareness will allow you to build internal criteria for behavioral regulation based on respect for others and yourself.

At this stage, children already have greater cognitive development, although this only attends to specific modalities. Therefore, it is important set the rules clearly so that children easily perceive the behaviors to be carried out and the consequences of the non-tolerated behaviors.

The standards will focus on behaviors that favor relationships and social skills and the progressive increase in responsibility with respect to tasks related to their evolutionary moment (their integration into a social group and their participation in it from a respectful and collaborative attitude.

It is important that the assumption of tasks is always encouraged within the integration parameters of a higher degree of social responsibility and not from the blind obedience, as we mentioned previously, which contributes negative value to the task itself due to the frustration generated by doing something in a way imposed. In this way, the child learns to self-manage, assuming the tasks as their own but freely organizing their time to carry them out. With this, the feeling of security and confidence in his abilities is fostered.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to How to set limits for children, we recommend that you enter our category of Emotional and behavioral disorders.

• Castro Villao, Z. G., & Mendoza Valle, E. D. J. (2017). Influence of the relational dimension on the quality of the development of the norms and limits of coexistence in children aged 4 to 5 years (Bachelor's thesis, University of Guayaquil Faculty of Philosophy, Letters and Education Sciences).
• Díaz, M. (2019). Learning to live together: rules and limits for boys and girls. Recovered from: https://repositorio. idep. edu. co / handle / 001/741.
• Wild, R. (2011). Freedom and limits. Love and respect: What children need from us. Herder Editorial.