Is DESIRING ANOTHER PERSON having a partner normal?

  • Jul 26, 2021
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Is wanting someone else with a partner normal?

"Is wanting someone else with a partner normal? Do I have a partner but I think of someone else? I am doing something wrong?". These are doubts that can arise sometime in the life of any person, but that require a time and type of correct response. If you already have a partner and someone else attracts you, you are in the right place to find out and respond to if wishing someone else while having a partner is normal or not. Here, in Psychology-Online, we will give you all the information that you or your friend need to know, from a psychological perspective.

You may also like: What hooks one person from another


  1. What is it to want a person?
  2. Is it normal to think of another person having a partner?
  3. Can you love two people at the same time?
  4. The Sternberg triangle
  5. Types of love
  6. What to do when someone else appears in a relationship

What is it to want a person?

The first thing is to define concepts that can confuse us.

  • To wish it is defined, according to Locke, as a kind of malaise that is caused by the absence of something you want to enjoy.
  • Want, it means that there are feelings included.

Knowing this, I invite you to ask yourself the following question: is what I feel for my partner the same as what I feel for this singer? The answer is most likely no. And it is that between the amount and the type of sensations that an individual can cause, there is desire. While with the partner with whom you have a romantic relationship, there is a bigger picture to see.

In simple terms, wishing and wanting is not the same. The first (desire) is more like an impulse, something primitive, intense attraction towards something or someone; while the second (wanting) is similar to what is known as a feeling and, therefore, is enduring over time. In the following article, you will find more information about the difference between wanting and desiring a person.

Is it normal to think of another person having a partner?

Beyond whether or not it is normal to think of another person even when you already have a partner, the answer to that question would be: check your relationship. Maybe you've already done it and you can't find anything negative, apparently. Or it may be that you have not done it because analyzing your relationship would be a way of assuming that you are attracted to someone else and that would go against your morals, which would create another conflict. But remember that a relationship is not only about superficial matters like going to the movies and having fun, it is also important that you become aware of how you feel about your partner, their relationship and expectations you have about it.

Can you love two people at the same time?

This largely depends on the concept of "love" that each person handles, since certainly love is a universal, positive feeling, pleasant and it is intended to be reciprocal, but, there are some variations of what, romantic love or loving someone in a romantic way, Means.

For example, there is the proposal of polyamory, where it is understood that a relationship may not be only of two as long as it is agreed, given that it is recognized that it is possible to feel this same type of feeling towards more than one person at the same time. Therefore, you can love two people at the same time.

The Sternberg triangle.

What do I do if I have a partner but I like someone else? The fact of thinking about another being that is not the one we have as a couple, can lead us to question many things, among them, if there is love in the relationship. As previously stated, it is possible, according to individual perceptions, to have feelings romantics towards two people at the same time, but if the case is that you are not sure what is happening and you would like inquire about your relationship with your partner, here you will find tools. That said (and so that you have scientific tools to turn to in this whole thing that may be wearing you down emotionally), then you will learn about Sternberg's triangular theory (and no, it is not about a "trio" or a "triangle loving").

The famous Sternberg theory establishes as a premise that every love relationship should have these three elements: intimacy, passion and commitment. According to this approach, a relationship that has these three elements in each of the people involved, supposes a structure of love that should be satisfactory. Thus, the exact meanings that these elements have are:

  • Privacy: degree of trust, emotional closeness.
  • Passion: degree of physical attraction, desire for these together.
  • Commitment: certainty of loving and being loved, the decision to stay together in the long term.

Types of love.

So you can analyze what is happening in a relationship with scientific knowledge involved and facilitate your analysis (which is complicated when we are afraid find some faults and deal with them), let's review love types following the triangle theory of Sternberg. Always keep in mind that these are theories, that is, it is not a diagnosis or a universal statement or truth.

  • Intimacy = Pleasure.
  • Passion = Infatuation.
  • Commitment = Empty love.
  • Intimacy + Commitment = Companion love.
  • Intimacy + Passion = Romantic love.
  • Passion + Commitment = Foolish Love.
  • Intimacy + Passion + Commitment = Consummate Love.

If any of these apply to you, you've made a breakthrough. You identified a fault. Now it will be up to you how to approach this discovery. If your case is the opposite, that is, you have the important elements, but still you continue to feel attracted to another person, you may need to clarify your feelings with someone else: you. Similarly, it is suggested that you consult with your trusted psychologist and duly certified, to accompany you on this issue that is disturbing you a lot, giving you the tools necessary. Remember that not all cases are the same and that seeking opinions with mental health professionals is one of the best things you can do in situations like these.

What to do when another person appears in a relationship.

Sometimes, when a third person appears or someone breaks into the relationship, the participation or the scope that this third party has will depend to a large extent on the openness that is toast; and this openness in turn will depend on how stable the original relationship is. Remember that when talking about instability in relationships, not only fidelity is considered, but the degree of confidence they handle, physical attraction, common goals, just to mention Some.

What can you do if you are attracted to, like or have fallen in love with another person having a partner? Before making a decision, it is important that:

  • Go to the psychologist so that you work on your emotional well-being.
  • Acknowledge your emotions and feelings and become aware of them.
  • Identify what attracts you to the other person to know what you are looking for.
  • Avoid comparing that attraction to your relationshipRemember that relationships go in stages and you may feel nostalgic for the stage of infatuation.
  • Avoid making big decisions without having evaluated the circumstances and having addressed your concerns.
  • Remember your values and act accordingly.
  • Be guided by sincerity, respect and honesty so as not to harm others.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to Is wanting someone else with a partner normal?, we recommend that you enter our category of Feelings.


  • Sternberg, R. J. (1988). The love triangle. Intimacy, passion and commitment. Paidos. Iberian.
  • Goleman, Daniel. (1998). The practice of emotional intelligence. Spain. Kairos S.A.
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