Zero contact is cutting off all communication with someone. It is a technique that is used after a love breakup when we are not being able to move forward emotionally, either due to dependency, because it is difficult for us to give turn the page and move on, because it is difficult for us to end the previous relationship or because we were involved in a toxic dynamic and it is difficult for us to get out of there.
It is important, however, to keep in mind that when we apply this technique we will not only feel things us, the distance will have an impact on the other person that in one way or another, will influence us and will affect. Our former partner will experience different feelings, thoughts and emotions and will be responsible for the actions that this person will have towards us. In this Psychology-Online article, we will tell you: what a person thinks and how they react when you apply zero contact, so that you know when it is recommended to apply zero contact and how to know if the zero contact you are applying is working.
This technique is used for extinction of the search behavior of the other in order for the person to disappear from our lives. After the necessary time of absence, the person who previously sought us out, either due to dependency or necessity, will get bored, disappointed or start his grieving and healing process Naturally, you might even find someone else to fill the space your old relationship left behind. But in order to truly separate, it is necessary keep distance, if we are not opening hope again and again in the other, which generates that each time he returns to look for us with more force.
Zero contact is used to:
- Get away from a former relationship for good that we consider harmful or toxic.
- Walking away from a harmful person: with narcissistic, aggressive traits, etc.
- Cut a cycle of emotional dependency. In the following article, you will find more information about What is emotional dependency.
- Being able to stop coming back again and again with the same partner and to be able to rebuild our lives.
Here you can see how zero contact is applied and its benefits.
What does a man or a woman think when you apply zero contact? The person to whom you apply zero contact experiences different emotions with your distance, which will generate different thoughts and actions.
Next, we show you the different stages that a person goes through when you apply zero contact and the associated emotions and behaviors at all times:
1. Relief
The first sensation you will experience will be relief, he will think that he has done well and will reinforce the idea of having made the decision to finish. At this time, he does not yet notice the absence of his ex-partner and may believe that the distance from the other is due to the fact that he respects his decision to finish. He is likely to find his freedom and the benefits of being single. It is likely that initially you will resume your activities and hobbies, go out with friends, start going out with other people, etc. Initially, you will not notice the absence of the other since he will be sufficiently focused on his things and, probably, internally justifying and validating his decision to finish.
If the person was dumped, they probably went through a initial stage a little more depressive which can be characterized by guilt and sadness or by excessive activities as a way to avoid contact with pain.
2. Notice the absence
In either case, after a while, it is likely that the other person will begin to notice slightly the absence of his ex-partner at the non-contact.
We all hope that the person who leaves will come back, look for us or at least establish a small contact that we show that you think of us and miss us even a little and this need arises more than anything from the ego. No matter how tiny that sign of attention, we believe that it is something that will happen yes or yes and, when that does not happens, when the person really disappears from our lives, this distance generates a kind of confusion and strangeness, because it is not what we expected to happen and we began to question many things, which makes let's start thinking more about the other and wondering what he is doing and why he disappeared like this.
The person may stay in this loop for a while or try to rebuild his life and start new activities. At this stage, there may be search behaviors towards the other.
3. He will feel the rejection
After the above or jointly, the person to whom you apply zero contact will feel the rejection slightly and then initially avoid thinking about her ex-partner so it doesn't hurt and perhaps you will start to get busy or try to have a life without the other person.
4. Worry
Over time and by maintaining zero contact, confusion will turn into concern: the person begin to suspect that the other is beginning to forget him or that he has remade his life And generally, especially in more dependent relationships, you will begin to actively seek it out.
5. Idealization
Along with this, as it has been a while, cognitions will begin to change, the bad memories will disappear and you will begin to remember mostly the good. That is, the relationship is idealized and there is a tendency to highlight more the good in the relationship that begins to be noticed more with the distance between both parties. This occurs due to a bias in memory, which tends not to forget the bad and to remember the good and idealize it.
6. Forgetfulness or anguish
At this point, two things can happen:
- When the hitch is not that big, distance becomes an enabler to move forward with life and confirm the decision ended.
- However, when there is still love left or there is a lot of dependency, the anguish over the loss can appear strongly. The person thinks that he is definitely losing the other and that, apparently, he has turned the page. He feels pain and that makes him realize what he has lost. Start thinking about what you will no longer have and what you are leaving behind with your decision and that can lead you to open up to other people and begin the stage of forgetting or thinking about recovering to the other and fight for him or her, in this case it is when new agreements can be generated, to start a new relationship and different from the previous. In this article we talk about how to get your ex back and, above all, when it is possible to resume a relationship and when not.
After seeing what a man or woman feels and thinks when zero contact is applied, we are going to see how they react and how they act. It is interesting to review and put their reactions in context:
- Remoteness: initially, the person will move away and seeing that the ex-partner also does so, he or she will try to live her life without him or her.
- Try new things: will try to make a new life without the other. You will generate new activities and increase your social outings with friends and, probably, and start dating new people.
- Contact attempt: He may be searching for you subtly, as he continues with his new life. Here you will test the waters. It will look for you to confirm that you are there, but that does not mean anything. He or she will probably keep trying new people and activities.
- More intense search for contact: he will start looking for you because he does not understand the reason for your distance and wants to prove that you are still there. She will call you on the phone, write you messages, etc.
- Attempt to find: he will try to look for you more actively and it is likely that he will try to meet you casually, frequenting places where they used to meet, ask for help to re-generate an encounter, ask for you and your life, etc. If previous efforts were unsuccessful, he will try to find the person with more strength and using new and different resources.
- Attempt to reverse the situation- At this point, if the person is already sorry for her decision, she wants to return at all costs. Most likely, you will look for your ex partner to have a conversation and ask him to return and here he is can generate new terms to start a new relationship where problems are avoided previous.
- Tiredness and forgetfulness: if the attempts of contact, of meeting and of resuming the situation are not considered by the other person, in the end, they will get tired and forget.
Applying zero contact is not easy. It involves going through a grieving process. And it is normal that you wonder if it is worth it and how to know if it is working. In the first place, we will show you the stages you will go through and what will happen next so that you can reinforce your decision and know how to place yourself in one of the phases:
- Denial: initially, people put on a defense so as not to experience so abruptly what hurts or bothers us. Initially, we deny our emotions or we disconnect a bit from them and little by little we begin to live them in our times and rhythms.
- Go to: Anger is a common emotion when faced with a breakup, it bothers us that things have not worked out and that anger can be directed at "your mistakes" or "your partner's mistakes." Every relationship includes a set of projects and plans and ideals that we mentally build with each other and, when things break down, those projects fall apart. and that gives us a lot of anger and grief, because it is also time, emotion and effort invested and it is not so easy to undo the projects that we start or give up they.
- Negotiation: our emotions become a bit quieter and we can see more clearly the relationship with their ups and downs, pros and cons and think better about our decision. We balance things on a scale and we understand that, despite the good that kept us there, the bad weighed more and that is why we decided to resign. We began to accept our resignation.
- Depression: distressing emotions arise when taking distance. We miss the good, there is still love and we will probably connect with emotions of sadness for what was not. This is normal and necessary to move forward in the process and is an indicator of what the relationship meant to us, but it does not necessarily mean that we want or should return to the same thing.
- Acceptance: Once through these stages, we begin to accept the loss of our former relationship for real and to rebuild our lives.
In the following article, you will find information about How to get over a heartbreak.
Applying zero contact will not be easy, because at times you will feel like returning to the previous relationship and recovering what that you are losing, but when mentally you have clarity, you know the distance is the best for your mental health and emotional. Starting in the negotiation phase, you will begin to experience the following changes:
- You will start to find better.
- You will go recovering your power, self esteem, self love and life, and this will make you feel better and also make you look more attractive in the eyes of others.
- You will start to prioritize you, give you your value and decide from there and this is a great indicator that zero contact worked, because it means that you are regaining your autonomy.
- As long as you have new activities, hobbies, friendships, you will begin to fill your life with new things and you will not miss your old routine and your ex-partner so much.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
