What to do in case of school bullying

"I don't want to go to school ..." may be the first sign that a child is in trouble. Sometimes accompanied by signs such as vague pains, various ailments or difficulties getting out of bed, the phrase, without However, it usually alludes to certain kinds of things that have nothing to do with the next math test or the demands of the math teacher. Geography. And yes with something that for children and young people is usually more important experientially: the relationship with their peers. In reality, many times the ellipsis would be covered - if the boy were encouraged - by the explanation "because they make my life impossible." The phenomenon of bullying, also called intimidation, harassment, bullying or bullying, is becoming a topic pressing situation of the school reality around the world and refers, specifically, to systematic physical or verbal abuse by one or more students towards other.

In this PsychologyOnline article, we talk about bullying and show what to do in a case of school bullying.

The abuse can consist of physical attacks, damage to personal objects, petty theft, threats, teasing, insults, isolation, spreading slander or any resource aimed at subjecting someone to a situation of inferiority and humiliation.

In general, the act has spectators, that they are often part of a bullying group or that they simply "enjoy" the show; they amuse themselves with the jokes and / or they try to associate with the bully to "share" the power of him and, through him, to get to do something that they might want to, but do not dare to do. Also, of course, they do it to avoid being put in the role of harassed.

Although this class of phenomena has occurred in all ages, it now seems to have obtained its "credential" and although such a situation could mean that occurs more frequently, at the same time indicates a tendency to become public that contributes significantly to initiating paths for its prevention, since one of the factors that have always made it difficult to address is its secrecy, its secrecy, the ignorance, conscious or unconscious of adults when respect. In some way –and saving the distance– it is a "mafia" behavior, whose success is based on the initiatory principle of these organizations: the "omertá", the law of silence for both victims and victimizers.

As Eliot puts it in the paragraph of his work The Cocktail Party that we chose for the heading, "people want to feel important." In all ages and situations of life. It is clear that social groups and diverse cultures establish certain patterns of conduct considered legitimate to achieve this, for example: the realization of works significant, the prestige achieved by a life trajectory, the generous attitude towards others, the creative use of one's intellectual, social or physical talents, etc.

However, it is not always and not for everyone to achieve this goal through these means and, for various reasons, some people then resort to spurious forms of gain power and feel important, such as "bullying". In many cases, they tend to be supported by sociocultural beliefs, which not only do not prevent but also facilitate their intimidating acts and also remain unpunished.

Indeed, in some cases the responsible adults - parents and teachers - do not perceive the situation and in others, although in some way they perceive or suspect, they minimize it because certain ingrained ideas play in them that tenaciously resist the test of reality.

Regarding the fathers, it usually happens that do not intervene because:

• "These are boy things."
• "He has to learn to live."
• "He has to become a man."
• "You don't have to be a buchón (informer)."
• "If he allowed himself to be beaten, he deserves to be punished, for being lazy ..."
• "We're not going to be getting into every nonsense ..."
• "It happened at school, let them solve it ..."

Regarding the teachers, usually plays against their intervention that:

• They don't know what to do.
• The school culture does not usually pay much attention to what happens "between the boys".
• Many times bullying episodes do not affect the "normal development of activities".
• In general, they are not held in the classroom or in full view.
• In a fairly "feminine" institution, such as school, certain bullying behaviors are sometimes attributed to "male things." (Actually, it is true that bullying occurs much more in boys than in girls and that in girls, when it appears, it is more subtle and above all verbal.)

It is clear that when someone systematically refuses to face reality, it usually falls suddenly like a bucket at the least expected moment: there have been cases of "bullying", especially in the first years of secondary education - statistically critical age - that culminated in suicides or homicides, to the surprise and perplexity of adults who did not assume the seriousness that these episodes can have when they are sustained over time and progressively increase the loneliness and impotence of the victims.

Not everyone is a stalker and not everyone is harassed. Although yes anyone can be a spectator, and this factor is extremely important in moving towards solutions because without an audience there is no show and, by not being protagonists, the spectators are sometimes more susceptible to adult intervention than the participants direct.

For example, during the investigation of a fact in the school environment, the spectators would not have have to go through the difficult situation of self-accusing (such as the stalker) or accusing (such as the harassed). They would be witnesses and, regardless of the greater or lesser pleasure that the situation has given them, they could be invited to have a round of conversations to describe the facts and reflect about its possible consequences. Even if it is necessary, they will be able to preserve the anonymity, both their own and of the protagonists of the event.

Furthermore, either as a result of precise instructions or spontaneously, a "Enough already!" Said decisively by one or more of the Attending an act of intimidation can quickly end the violent situation and set a valuable precedent for others Similar.

Bullies and harassed, on the other hand, are less accessible and usually present some of the following traits, not strictly but quite frequently.

Stalkers:

• They have self-esteem issues.
• For some reason they cannot stand out otherwise.
• They come from families where violence is considered normal to solve problems.
• They are older or stronger than most of their peers.
• They are charismatic leaders, out of admiration or fear.
• They are generally outgoing, impulsive.
• They may be taking revenge for abuses suffered.
• They may be driven by envy.
• They suffer from some degree of "alexithymia", that is, difficulty recognizing their own and other people's feelings.
• For cultural-family reasons, of the two possible ways to "stand out", to elevate one or to lower the others, they choose the second.

Harassed:

• They are shy, fearful.
• They are younger, weaker, or clumsy than most peers.
• They belong to a minority within the majority of the classroom: gender, ethnic, social or preferences, for example, a male who does not like soccer.
• They are lonely, they have no friends.
• They are generally introverts.
• They are newcomers.
• They have some physical handicap.
• They stand out intellectually and provoke envy.
• They are not very assertive, they quickly agree to the demands of others to "avoid problems."
• They once reported abuse and were tagged.
• They have a great need to be accepted by others.
• They tend to believe that passively enduring adversity is the best way to deal with it.
• If they hold out long enough, their difficulties will finally be exhausted.
• For cultural-family reasons, they may believe that never responding to violence from others is the best way to appease them.
• They are often potential stalkers and, as in the famous "Stockholm syndrome", they admire those who abuse them and try to identify with them.

Of course, it often happens that the traits are mixed and the same appear in each other, and they tend to manifest in an inverse or reactive way. For example: a low self-esteem problem that shows itself as overvalued.

The philosopher K. Popper once enunciated the famous paradox of tolerance, which, in short, is that being tolerant of a bigot can make him even more intolerant. This is basically the fundamental knot of the problem and is perhaps one of the reasons why both the supporters of the "eye for an eye" and those of a certain "naive pacifism", convinced that, for example, a correct rational argument may be enough to modify an intimidating attitude that, precisely, is not based on rational.

From this derive the difficulty and, probably, concealment: It seems to be one of those paradoxical situations where whatever action is taken will be wrong. It is no use for the harassed to react violently, no use for submission, and no use for trying to rationally "negotiate" with the harasser.

However, as in so many other human situations, no matter how complex, something is possible to do.

First of all, it is necessary clearly distinguish bullying, which is a systematic cruel behavior, of occasional violence for circumstantial reasons, which is practically impossible to eradicate in its entirety from any human group.

Second, it is necessary that Adults –In principle, teachers– assume the problem exists, that it is more frequent than it seems, that it can have serious consequences and, especially, that they must intervene and that they must do it as soon as possible. Because situations of chronic discomfort, individual or collective, if they do not stop, grow. And they cannot be sustained for long without causing sometimes irreparable damage.

Third, it is necessary intensify and improve listening to parents and teachers, in the double sense of being attentive to signs that may indicate harassment situations, and also of believing them in principle to children / young people when they report a case, even if they reserve the right to inquire precisely what it is about.

Fourth, it is essential to be convinced - and act accordingly - that this type of behavior is born, grows and proliferates in culturally fertile lands. If a stalker leaves and the cultural consensus does not change, another will likely appear. The key lies in create institutional conditions in which cruelty and harassment are frowned upon. In which the values ​​that sustain these attitudes are inverted and the temptation to participate in something that "everyone knows is negative" is weakened.

It is necessary to create conditions in which "harassing another is not business" is not appropriate, not only because of the regulatory consequences but, especially, because of the social consequences. And, for this, it is not enough to oppose what is considered negative; it is necessary propose alternative attitudes, that is, to generate all kinds of situations in which the tendencies towards empathy and altruism are highlighted and made evident. These tendencies are present in all people, even real or virtual stalkers, who They may well change their attitude to an invitation to make more valuable (and valued) use of their leadership. In this way, your need to "be important" is satisfied, but by changing the argument.

In any case, although it is necessary to attend to both (stalker and harassed) -without underestimating the fact that the former may have come to assume that role by having been a victim before- the priority is the harassed, because of the degrading situation and the risks that such a condition implies for himself and for others. The bitter unanswered question "Why me?" he has even persecuted many children into adulthood, and healing the wounds of his self-esteem has required enormous effort. It should be clarified that we refer to those cases in which such effort can be considered the "lesser evil", since it was possible to avoid an explosion of violence that would cause a disaster in their lives or those of others.

One of the best ways to help the real or virtual harassed is to inform him that, according to his own confessions, that kind of events has happened and happens to many people, including many who today are normal adults and outstanding in various activities. Namely, it is not strictly "their fault" nor is it a stigma that you will have to carry for life: it is a stage that can be overcome, like so many others. This kind of message, delivered with conviction, often has a preventive and healing psychological effect.

Another way is to train children and young people in what we have called before assertive ability. That is, the healthy way to escape the trap of submitting or responding with violence. Many times, the threat of the stalker is much more symbolic than real, if not pure bragging, and a flat and plainly expressed can safely stop the process, before it becomes a real case of intimidation.

Finally, the main and fundamental way to help the bully (and, at the same time, everyone else) is stop your action. For this, the school has the right to establish, agree and enforce the rules it deems appropriate, according to the following basic principles: a) they are those that allow sustaining the effort to govern the institution, and b) are effective in preventing and interrupting vicious cycles of violence, such as the "bullying". This is likely to be the most challenging issue for the school-parent relationship. For this reason, it is necessary to put a magnifying glass on it, install it on the institutional agenda, seek professional support, request information of places where solutions are investigated and experimented on the matter and, once worked in the field of the school or center, open it to the consideration of parents in general and especially of those whose children have been involved in some episode of intimidation.