What to do when your partner ignores you

When you fall in love, you hope that the way you love will be returned to you in the same way: living a reciprocal love and unconditional, in which the person with whom you share your life takes care of you and cares for you, in the same way that your. However, this is often not the case, and there are situations in which our partner ignores us or does not pay us the attention and interest we deserve. Elie Wiesel coined the famous quote: "The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference." In fact, being ignored can feel worse even than being rejected, making you feel like you don't matter at all. What to do when your partner ignores you? In Psychology-Online we will try to shed some light on this.

Index

1. My boyfriend passes me
2. How to make your partner react
3. What to do when your partner ignores you

In all our relationships, whether they are family, romantic, friendly, work, etc. we all need nooks for ourselves. The fact that your partner gives you space to meet your friends, visit your family, carry out activities, etc. it is something positive and necessary. However, if you use this argument as an excuse to show little interest in how your week went, not returning your calls, spending days without being able to reach you,… it is not a good sign.

If you feel like your boyfriend is ignoring you, probably the first thing you think is that he doesn't care about you. However, before jumping into premature conclusions, it is important to consider other variables. This is generally not a conscious process. It is largely a biological reaction rooted in certain structures of the Central Nervous System, formed as a result of some parenting practices carried out in childhood.

When we establish a bond with someone, we are giving that person the possibility to harm us, if at some point they decide to end him. In this way, because intimacy in relationships creates vulnerability and increases the possibility of experiencing strong negative emotions, it is often avoided. This is not to say that people with avoidance tendencies do not have a partner or friends. They can even be perceived as popular, particularly since they tend to be successful in areas of competence and achievement. However, it is likely that these people have difficulties in establishing lasting and intense bonds and are uncomfortable with the closest relationships.

On the other hand, establishing and maintaining a relationship requires a some maturity and emotional health, and there are many people who do not possess these qualities, either due to personal characteristics or the past, lack of interest, erroneous beliefs, etc. However, if the will exists, work can be done to advance in this regard. If something similar happens to your partner, here are some tips to deal with the situation.

Many people come to therapy with complaints about the way their partners relate to them. In many cases, the complaints are well founded: after all, their partners are human, and as such, imperfect. However, it is necessary to bear in mind that relationships are bidirectional, that is, they have two senses, and sometimes we tend to notice the mistakes of others, without realizing or justifying those that we make ourselves. Psychologists call this trend fundamental attribution error. Thus, if our partner is quieter than usual, we would tend to relate it to what it is. cold and distant, whereas if it happened to us, we would blame it on having had a bad day.

For isolated events, try don't take it personally. Maybe he's had a bad day too. It could also be the case that your partner is more reserved, not everyone is equally expressive.

On the other hand, avoid tagging him. Phrases like "you never want to go out or make plans with me, you are very boring" will only undermine and generate reactivity. Put a positive spin on your arguments, talk to him about how much you want to go out with him and make new plans.

When I have a detail with you, show interest in your interests, make you dinner, etc. show gratitude and appreciation by his gesture. Not only will you promote positivity in your partner, they will also be more likely to repeat these behaviors than if they go unnoticed.

As for the discussions, avoid getting defensive and invites more open and honest communication. It's not about keeping quiet or having to agree with everything your partner says and does. If you hope that, through silence, your partner intuits everything that goes through your mind, you will live in eternal disappointment. On the other hand, if you talk about your feelings honestly, in a space free of blame and judgment, your partner will be more likely to empathize with you, while his reaction will also be more smoothed. In the following article, you will find how to improve communication in the couple.

If your partner ignores you and you don't know how to act, here are 10 tips to put into practice:

1. Do not pay him in the same coin. If it is painful that your partner does not spend time or show interest in you, do not do the same: not only will you not be able to reverse the situation, but you will perpetuate this dynamic.
2. Don't be too quick to draw premature conclusions. If he takes a long time to answer your messages or calls, maybe something happened to him. Approach the subject with tact, you can start with something like: “Is everything going well? When I don't hear from you for a long time, I worry that something might have happened to you. " This will allow them to understand you without getting defensive.
3. Set clear boundaries of what is admissible or not. It does not mean being cold and unapproachable, but acting and asking for self-respect. Ask yourself which performances of your partner are reasonable and which are out of the ordinary. Taking time to reply to a message is acceptable, but disappearing for five days without giving any explanation or signal is not so understandable.
4. Involve him in plans and decisions. If the greatest weight of the relationship falls on you, and your partner tends to adopt passive attitudes, try to involve him in tasks or activities so that he takes a more active position. Ask him for his opinion on an issue at stake, let him decide where you go for dinner tonight.
5. Try to be as specific as possible as to the what and not the who. That is, it signals the problem behavior and not the person. If it bothers you when you go days without being able to locate your partner, let him know that this makes you think that the relationship does not matter to him on the same level as you. Avoid personal criticism, and if necessary, try to make it as constructive as possible. Try to be able to articulate them in two sentences: "I would like you to be more punctual when we meet."
6. Couple time. It is vital that each member of the couple have their own lives and keep a substantial amount of time to themselves. But at the same time, it is essential to take the time to cultivate the attention and intimacy necessary for the relationship prosper. Look for moments in the week or in the month for you, that you are immovable and cannot be postponed.
7. Remember that you are a team. It is not a war. Do not try to be above or impose your arguments. Perhaps there is a reason why he was unable to meet with you or answer your calls. Listen to what he has to say. When there is an argument in a couple, there are no winners or losers. The only victory occurs when both parties reach a satisfactory result. To do this, it will help you to know the assertive communication.
8. If at any given moment, your boyfriend needs to "escape", do not chase him: he will run faster. Give him enough space to calm down and can connect with what you feel. If you don't allow this to happen, her feeling of overwhelm is likely to increase and she needs to step further away.
9. Never ignore how you really feel. If you know what you want and need in a relationship, never dismiss your feelings or settle for something that is not what you want to make the relationship work, or because you want to have a relationship at all coast. You cannot turn your partner into someone they are not. If you're feeling disappointed, frustrated, and dissatisfied, don't ignore it.
10. Lastly, remember that you are the only one responsible for your own happiness. Committing to another person is not the same as assigning the full weight of your well-being and happiness to them. Having a relationship can be a wonderful experience, but you should not run the risk of merging with your partner, since in the long term this is usually a recipe for marital dissatisfaction.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to What to do when your partner ignores you, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.

• Lerner, H. (2012). Marriage rules: A manual for the married and the coupled up. Gotham
• Firestone, R. W., Firestone, L. A., & Catlett, J. (2003). Creating a life of meaning and compassion: The wisdom of psychotherapy. American Psychological Association.
• Shorey, H. S., & Snyder, C. R. (2006). The role of adult attachment styles in psychopathology and psychotherapy outcomes. Review of general psychology, 10 (1), 1-20.