First of all, it is important to clarify that you are not a jealous person, but that you feel jealous in certain situations and for certain causes. Jealousy with something you feel, something that goes through you, like all emotions, but it is not something that you are, that is part of you, or that it has to be in your identity.
Jealousy is one of the feelings that causes the greatest discomfort. They can be a source of frustration and discomfort, they can lead us to control others too much and even to go beyond the limits of intimacy and respect. Poorly managed jealousy is the cause of many couple arguments and love breakups. If you want to know what jealousy is, why you feel it and how to learn to manage it, continue reading this Psychology-Online article, in which we explain how to stop being jealous or jealous.
Jealousy manifests itself due to fear of losing attention and appreciation that a person has towards us. Well, this is partly very normal, we are social beings and we need relationships with others. However, when jealousy is continuous, high and annoying for you and your partner, it is no longer suitable. Moreover, they begin to be counterproductive, because pathological jealousy brings
A person is not jealous, but has jealousy, an emotion that does not define him. A person, how jealous he is, can control the partner, continuously ask what they are doing or where they are, investigate their belongings or on social networks, spy on their mobile phone... All of these behaviors are intended to counteract anxiety and fear. There are also behaviors that try to avoid these sensations: such as forbidding the couple to carry out activities where they can socialize.
To avoid jealousy, you can apply different techniques and tips that we explain below. However, the main basis for avoiding jealousy, so as not to feel exaggerated jealousy, is the self-confidence/a. When you trust yourself or yourself, it means that you know yourself, that you know how you are, you know your strongest and weakest points and you accept them. That is, you accept that you are a human being and by nature you are imperfect: you make mistakes and successes, you have strengths and weaknesses.
When you trust yourself or yourself and love yourself just the way you are, you don't need the validation or recognition of the other to feel good. You do not need a person watching over you, showing you her love for you continuously. When you are not emotionally dependent on your partner, that exaggerated fear of losing her diminishes considerably. And with it, jealousy also diminishes. Here's how to overcome obsessive jealousy.
To answer this question, we must first explain what jealousy is and why it occurs. Jealousy in psychology is an emotional response That arises from the belief that the loved one may cease to be by our side because of a third party. The loved one can be the parents or a friend, although the most common figure is the couple. We usually talk about jealousy in the couple.
What is the cause of this emotional response? Jealousy, biologically, has an adaptive function. Falling in love, for biology, serves to procreate and perpetuate the species. The role of jealousy is to keep the sexual partner exclusively in order to procreate and take care of the offspring together. In this way, they are more likely to survive and perpetuate the species. For all this, we can conclude that jealousy is a normal and natural emotion that alerts us to the possible danger that the couple will stop being with us. All feelings and emotions are there to fulfill their function when necessary.
So where is the problem? As in the case of all emotions, the inconvenience comes when the emotion complicates our lives more than facilitates it. And that happens when jealousy is excessive and manifests itself with a lot of discomfort and disrespectful behavior. Why can you feel jealous when it is not adaptive? Due to the experiences lived and the teachings received, each person forms a set of beliefs and they say how her partner should be and how she should behave.
These beliefs about the world, about relationships and about oneself, which can be conscious or unconscious, are what guide our interpretation of reality. Our emotional reaction depends on the interpretation of reality. Therefore: when asked if a jealous person can change, the answer is: a person is not jealous, but feels jealous. This emotional reaction yes you can learn to manage and change. Now comes the most interesting part: the how. Next we will see how to avoid jealousy and how to control jealousy.
For all that we have explained, we cannot stop being 100% jealous, but understand, manage and reduce jealousy to healthy and manageable levels. More than how to stop being jealous or jealous, we will talk about how to avoid jealousy and how to manage jealousy and mistrust in your partner. Let's see some tips to overcome jealousy:
1. Understand jealousy
Jealousy is normal and natural, it has a biological function, just like falling in love. They are an emotional reaction that you have at a certain moment, but they are not something that defines you. Jealousy is a feeling that you can learn to manage.
2. Stop fighting them
They are not enemies, no feeling or emotion is. You are neither better nor worse for feeling them, neither good nor bad. You do not have to hide that you feel jealous, just as you do not have to hide that you feel sadness or nerves. Jealousy does not make you weak, nor does it make you strong. They just make you human. Jealousy gives you information about yourself and you can see what to do with it.
3. Assume your emotional responsibility
Your emotions are yours, not someone else's. Jealousy is your way of reacting and that is not the other person's fault. The way to approach them is not by attacking the other, but by deepening yourself.
4. Identify the situations
In what situations do you feel jealous? What is happening right now? What triggers this feeling in you?
5. Identify your thoughts
What do you think about this situation? Maybe you anticipate the relationship ending? Do you feel that you are not enough for him or her and that your partner at some point will realize it? Do you compare yourself with their friends? Do you think there are people that your partner will like more than you? Are you afraid that your partner will find a more beautiful, smarter, more cultured, more mature, younger person??? Try to be honest with yourself and acknowledge your internal dialogue. From there you can discover your insecurities.
6. Work your self esteem
If you have carefully analyzed the situations in which you feel jealous and have listened to your internal dialogue, you will surely have realized that jealousy is indeed your own insecurities. And you should know that insecurities are normal. Why am I so insecure? We have been brought up in a competitive society that labeled and valued us based on external aspects. And all that is not something easy to change. However, the first step is to be aware of it and build a healthy self-esteem. You must take into account the following points:
- No person is more or less than others.
- Each person is different, unique and incomparable with the others.
- The value of people does not depend on their physique, their income, their age, their academic qualifications... The value of the human being is in his goodness, in an ability to give love and contribute to others.
- All people have the same dignity.
- All people are worthy of love.
- You do not need anyone, you are a complete being, you can choose the company that provides you, but you do not need it.
Here you will find information about how to trust yourself Y how to stop being insecure.
7. Examine your beliefs about dating relationships
Do you think that your partner should always be with you? Do you think that your partner should not meet his friends? Do you think social media is to blame? What is infidelity to you? Ask yourself exactly what you think about love and relationships and ask yourself.
In this article we talk about how to trust your partner.
8. Think about the worst that could happen
What are you afraid of exactly? What is the worst scenario you imagine? Normally, when faced with this question, the answer is usually cheating or infidelity. In this situation, you can also ask yourself what is the worst that could happen. The worst situation imaginable is usually the end of the relationship. Why are you so afraid of that situation? Due to the beliefs and false myths that exist around the couple. You must be clear about some points:
- Relationships usually end at some point. They may last more or less, but we must assume that there is always the possibility that the relationship will end.
- Even in the hypothetical case of your partner being unfaithful, you can overcome it.
9. Practice relaxation techniques
Whenever a situation triggers this intense and unpleasant emotion, practice relaxation exercises, such as diaphragmatic breathing or guided relaxation. At the end of the article we leave a guided relaxation so you can get started easily. You can also find out about how to practice mindfulness.
You can also try activities that distract you and relax you like taking a walk, taking a shower or calling a friend on the phone. Do not try to alleviate the emotions you try and the emotional pain through patches like alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, gambling... Because it can trigger a more serious problem. If you see that you cannot manage it yourself, do not hesitate to go to a professional.
10. Don't play detective
Control is a fantasy. Not by investigating more do you have greater control of the relationship. On the contrary, the more time you spend investigating and misinterpreting reality, the more you feed false beliefs and fears. Do not check their things, or their social networks. Control is a paradox, the more you try to control, the more tests you need to get to be calm.
11. Don't confuse jealousy with love
Due the myths of romantic love, there are still people who believe that the expression of jealousy is love. Nothing is further from reality.
12. Respect their privacy
Forever. The respect must be above all. You should not spy on the phone, or belongings, or private conversations. Your partner has the right to have their privacy, just as you have the right to have yours.
13. Respect their relationships
A healthy couple shares a common space, but also has an individual personal space. In addition, in a healthy relationship you are by choice and with freedom. The couple is one area of life, but the healthiest thing is that you also have others, such as family, friends, work, hobbies... Therefore, the other interpersonal relationships that the couple has must be respected, whether with family members, with friends or friends, colleagues or coworkers ...
14. Work assertiveness
Learning to communicate assertively is vital to building a healthy relationship and, in general, to interacting positively with other people. From assertive communication, you can communicate to your partner how you feel and you can express your opinion, listening and respecting the opinion of your partner. It is important to share the opinions and considerations of each one on important issues such as: what is infidelity, how long do you want to share, what expectations do you have of the relationship...
15. Set limits if necessary
Once you have worked on yourself, you have seen the cause of jealousy, you have analyzed your internal dialogue, you have detected your irrational beliefs about the relationships of partner, you have learned relaxation techniques and have turned your self-esteem into a solid base, it is time to analyze if you feel good with the relationship of partner. There are many types of relationships and the limits can be very different. What is necessary for a healthy relationship is that both members feel comfortable with what is established. If there are behaviors of the other person that make you feel disrespected, you can communicate it by setting limits. For example: "In this relationship I seek exclusivity. If you want to have sex-affective relationships with other people, I am not interested in this relationship and, therefore, I will leave. "
