Attachment is a bond between two people that defines the way they interact with each other. There are three main types of attachment: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Having one or the other depends on the care received by your caregivers during childhood and by different types of life events, such as a love breakup.
Secure attachment would refer to the need to be with a person, but also wanting independence. Anxious attachment is defined by the inability to be alone, the fear of being abandoned, jealousy... Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, is the avoidance of any loving approach for fear of being vulnerable and damaged.
If you identify with anxious attachment, you will know that it can deeply damage love relationships. Therefore, keep reading this Psychology-Online article so that you can discover how to overcome anxious attachment.
Index
- Analyze your behavior
- Communicate
- Review your past and forgive
- Self-esteem
- Think of a role model
- Choose your partners well
- Take up your time
Analyze your behavior.
If you have an anxious type of attachment, surely on more than one occasion you have come to feel very angry with someone for something unimportant but, was that really what was affecting?
Many times, behind our anger or anger, and even behind the apparent reason for discussion, there is a need for affection and attention. When you are feeling anxiety, stop to analyze what it is that you really want to ask for. Maybe all you need is for your partner to text you while at work or see that friend more often. So trying to describe what needs you are having is the first step in solving it. Discover how to eliminate emotional attachment.
Communicate.
How to overcome anxious attachment? Once your need has been identified, communicate it. Be respectful, don't make it a demand, but a request, or the other person might feel like an attack. And, above all, do not ask for things by acts. Making it empty by taking longer to respond, for example, is not a healthy way to get what you need. In addition, you will surely get the opposite: that the other person moves further away. Others don't have to know what's on your mind, so try to express and communicate assertively.
Review your past and forgive.
Attachment is born, as we mentioned, from factors experienced in childhood, such as parenting. In function of how they met our needsWe will develop one attachment or another. But instead of seeing this as a way of blaming them think about how difficult it can be to see what specific need may a child have when they were dealing with their own attachment.
In the same way, remember that friend with whom you fought because he did not invite you to a plan: did you interpret it correctly or was it all a symptom of your anxious attachment? The same happens with the couple. All those discussions, why were they really?
Self-esteem.
The anxious attachment style has a basic problem that is self-esteem. Yes one person feels insufficient and worthless, you will believe that the people around you will move away. That will lead you to feel constant fear, especially in those moments when someone close to you is a little more absent.
Remind yourself every day how valuable you are, your qualities and how lucky those who have you in their life are. If someone decides to leave, remember that it does not necessarily mean that you have done something wrong and that it does not change how much you are worth. In this article, we tell you how to improve self esteem.
Think of a role model.
How to heal an anxious attachment? You probably know someone who is always nice to others, who knows how to give others their space and who is happy when they invite him to a plan. In addition, when you have a bad day you do not pay for it with anyone and if you make a mistake you are not constantly reminded, But he understands that he has not done it with bad intention and that does not make him change his way of perceiving others.
This is partly accomplished by interpret situations in a less catastrophic way. If you constantly think that what others do is with a bad end, you will have many feelings of anxiety, rage, anger... On the other hand, if you think that perhaps your best friend has been more absent because he had a lot of work, you can give him that space and show him your support.
Imagine how much would change your relationships if you did the same with others. This is the behavior of a securely attached person and you should try to reach that goal.
Choose your partners well.
If you have an anxious attachment, the worst thing you can do is be with a person with avoidant attachment. You need someone who is close, loving and do not run away from problems. Also, that he knows how to calm you down when you are most insecure.
Therefore, if you are starting to get to know someone and alarm signals go off, don't go ahead and deepen the relationship. If you are already with someone who is avoidant, understand that his way of being does not have to do with you or what he feels, but with what he has learned throughout his life and his fears.
Take up your time.
How to overcome anxious attachment? Find activities that are just for you, so that there is not so much dependence on others. Try a group sport, go to art school in the afternoons, or read books. The idea is that your mind is not constantly and obsessively focused on the relationship. The objective is have time and space for yourself.
Also, if you start to enjoy it, you will surely understand your partner more, for example, and you will not feel so insecure or anxious the next time she tells you she wants to go out with her friends. Finally, these activities will serve you as relaxation, since your anxious attachment is more activated when you are with anxiety, so it is a way to regulate it. In this article, you will see what to do when you have anxiety.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to How To Overcome Anxious Attachment, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.
Bibliography
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Ways to love. The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find love… and keep it. Barcelona: Uranus.
