"My boyfriend has asked me for time to clarify, what should I do?" is one of the most popular consultations in couple psychology. Given the complexity of the world of interpersonal relationships and the scarce education about emotions, the feelings and healthy forms of bonding between people, it is very normal that conflicts arise that we do not know handle. Is it normal to be overwhelmed in a relationship? What does it mean to have doubts? Is it useful to take time? What to do if your partner asks you for time to clarify? We will answer all these questions in this article on Psychology-Online.
When your partner asks for time, what he is really telling you is that he prefers to be without you to be with you. Whether it is to be able to experiment, to be able to release the commitment, to avoid having to assume certain responsibilities, because they prefer to dedicate their time to other things... Regardless of the cause, taking time out means he doesn't want to be with you (temporarily or permanently).
When your partner asks for time it means that at this moment he does not want you as his partner and that "needs some time" to think about it, to decide it, to assume the break, to try new experiences... Ultimately, if your partner tells you they need some time, actually is leaving the relationship and being your partner.
How should we react to this situation? What should we answer if our partner asks us for time? Next, we will see step by step what to do when your partner asks for time.
- Respect the decision. As we were seeing, if your partner asks you for time, it is because he does not want to be with you as a couple right now. No one can be forced into a relationship, so the decision must be respected.
- Communicate our vision. If your partner does not want you as his partner, the relationship is over. You should tell him that if he prefers to be without you, you respect the decision, but that if you are no longer a couple, the relationship is over.
- Take the break. Even though your partner verbalizes that "it will only be a while," they really don't know. One person cannot wait for another to clear up. The relationship occurs when two people freely choose to be together. If your partner does not want to be with you in a relationship now (it is the same as saying that it is temporarily or permanently), it is that he does not want to be with you as a couple and it is something that you have to assume.
- Cut contact. As we have seen in the section on the reasons why your partner asks you for time, it may happen that you are no longer his priority or that he no longer wants commitment. Therefore, it is possible that he does not want to remove you from his life, he may want to continue in contact with you, even seeing you, but without having a relationship or a commitment. In which case, unless you really want a friendship with this person, the most effective thing is to cut the contact.
- Apply zero contact. Especially when the routine is not desired, the best strategy to start turning the page is contact zero: not having contact with the ex-partner, physically, neither online, nor through mutual friends, nor objects. Therefore, applying zero contact means not meeting, not talking, eliminating from social networks, out of sight the objects that are a memory, do not go to the places you used to frequent, do not ask your friends about him / her... Except that the break does not cause you suffering and you really want maintain a friendship with your ex partner.
- Go through the grieving process. From there, you will progress through the grieving process. It is normal that you feel first anger, then sadness, apathy, disappointment, emptiness, loneliness and other unpleasant emotions. As we explained in the article on overcome a heartbreak, it is normal to have intrusive thoughts and longings to recover the relationship. The grieving process after a breakup is often painful. The important thing is to allow yourself to feel bad, have patience and hope.
- Allow to feel what it feels like. The healthiest thing is to accept what you feel in each moment, understand that it is part of the process and be patient.
- Put the focus on the present. It is normal that you are surprised, that you ask yourself a thousand questions, that it is difficult for you to understand what has happened. However, turning around the facts and crushing ourselves with unanswered questions leaves us anchored in the past, exhausts us, makes us suffer and is useless. Focus on the present, on getting to know yourself, on taking care of yourself, on learning from the situation and on building a new version of yourself that is wiser and more resilient.
- Support you in your loved ones. Spending time with your friends and family will help you feel better.
- Take care of you at all levels. It is precisely in the moments when we are most vulnerable that we must take care of ourselves: eat healthy, sleep 8 hours and rest, practice physical exercise, feed your hobbies, socialize, enjoy your time free... And above all, avoid patches like alcohol, junk food, drugs, unprotected sex, shopping, gambling / gambling and other behaviors that "anesthetize" unpleasant emotions, but can trigger a much larger problem in the future.
A common question in these cases is whether the member of the couple who requested a time will return in the future. No one knows the future, so we cannot know for sure what will happen. There is always the possibility that an ex-partner contacts us again, it may or may not happen.
In case of your occurrence, depending on your situation at that moment, you will be able to assess whether you are interested or not. It may be that you have met another person and find yourself involved in another story, it may be that your personal growth and your change in mentality make you not If you are interested in resuming that relationship, it may be that you have realized that the values of your partner do not go with you or that their characteristics are not what you are looking for in your partner. But it may also be that both of you want to resume the relationship.
Is it possible to get back with an ex after months? Does getting back with an ex after years work? The answer is it depends. It will depend on the situation and the couple. There are some clues to help you predict the success or failure of the relationship:
- If you have made individual changes, it can work.
- If you are able to forgive and look to the present and the future.
- If you have discussed the reasons for the breakup and these issues are settled.
- If the circumstances that kept you away the previous time have been solved.
- If you are looking for the same type of relationship.
- If you build a solid foundation based on trust and respect.
- If you share values and life plan.
- If you love each other and want to share your day to day.
- If the other person transmits you peace, well-being and tranquility.
- If you feel that this person improves your life (despite feeling full also without it) and that it helps you to grow as people.
In this article we explain how to have a healthy relationship.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
