Shame is a human emotion that does not need great introductions, since we have all experienced it at some time in our lives when we have been through an embarrassing situation. However, sometimes shame can be felt excessively and can become part of a person's personality. Toxic shame affects a person in their entirety and makes them feel deficient and flawed as a human being.
Do you want to know what toxic shame is and its consequences? Keep reading! In this Psychology-Online article we explain what is embarrassment and how to overcome it.
The shame in psychology It is an emotion related to the self-assessment of a global failure according to the rules, purposes or models of behavior that we share with others and that can be both positive and negative.
On the one hand, it is a negative emotion that allows us to realize our inadequacy. On the other hand, this emotion is also the realization that we have done something for which we can be considered by others in a totally opposite way to what we would have wanted.
However, the specific case of toxic shame focuses on the negative part of this feeling, that is, feeling that there is something wrong with ourselves. This is a type of internalized shame that causes a very deep sense of being wrong and becomes a central part of the person's identity.
Shame is a healthy marker of our limitations, and initially having a clear dividing line of limitations is a good thing. Nevertheless, growing up with shameless parents who have physically abused, sexually, emotionally, intellectually or spiritually of your child can force you to take your shame to extreme levels.
In this way, when a person is marked by shame, he will adopt a behavior based on it and it will go from being a simple emotion to becoming her identity. This toxic shame will cause the person to feel that he has no flaws or that he has too many. Also, these people are afraid of exposing themselves and may give up and become "the best of the worst."
Toxic shame affects a person in their entirety and makes them feel deficient, humiliated and full of flaws as being human, causes her to feel deeply unhappy and useless and to feel haunted by a feeling of absence and emptiness. Here are some of the main consequences of toxic shame:
- Toxic shame is no longer just a useful emotion to show us our limits and it becomes an intrinsic component of our identity.
- Toxic shame conveys a feeling of radical failure, as if one no longer lived up to being considered a human being.
- The person who experiences such shame will in every way avoid showing his innermost identity to others.
- The person becomes someone who can no longer be trusted, not even oneself.
- In its paradoxical nature, it reproduces itself, that is, one is ashamed of feeling ashamed. Someone is more likely to admit that they feel guilty or hurt than they are to admit that they are ashamed.
- Toxic shame equals an absolute feeling of isolation and loneliness.
¿how to lose shame? Here are some ways to treat toxic shame:
Being aware of toxic shame in the present
Have a different perspective on your shame, understand where it comes from and how it influences your decisions in the present through emotional memories is the first fundamental step to be able to handle it. Therefore, a first way to detect it is to start pay attention to your emotions in the present.
Express your emotions openly
Trying to hide shame or pretend it doesn't exist will never lead to managing, overcoming, or processing it. On the contrary, what we have to do is accept and talk openly about this emotion that we have described as unacceptable and worthless with friends, family and people we trust.
Go to a psychotherapist
In relation to the previous tip, in cases where toxic shame is having an impact on notable way in relationships and the correct development of the person's daily life will be necessary seek help from a mental health professional that offers an objective and comprehensive "external look", without judging, and provides the patient with the necessary tools to overcome this situation.
Separate your identity from the feeling of shame
We have all made a mistake and done things that we later regret, but that does not mean that we are incapable or worthless. You can learn from your mistakes and use failures as lessons to do better in the future, as well as try to separate your identity from the sensation you feel. Shame makes you feel wrong and inadequate, but it doesn't mean you really are.
Change the expression "I am incapable" or "I am a failure" for others such as "I have done something wrong and I feel embarrassed, but I can improve and do better in the future" will help you overcome embarrassment toxic. Understanding the reason for your actions can help you learn lessons to improve in the future and create a more positive relationship with ourselves and with others. At the base of moods in adulthood are always the emotions and sensations experienced during development, also fundamental to determine the relationship with oneself.
Understand that your values may be different from the ones you were taught
if your parents gave you very hard and rigid lessons in childhood based on the values that they considered most important, it is possible that from a young age you feel ashamed of any behavior that does not fit those values. This slowly led you to get further and further away from yourself and your spontaneity, getting closer to that ideal that they wanted for you.
However, remember that today you are an adult and you can start to question all the values that have been passed on to you and in which you have been forced to live. You can give space to your suffering, anger and all the emotions that have always been denied to you. Your values may be different, your life is yours alone, and no one can tell you if you are right or wrong.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
