When people fall in love they experience strong feelings of love, the desire to spend a lot of time together, and butterflies in their stomachs. However, when these emotions begin to fade, doubts about the couple can enter the picture. It is possible that the old certainty of the future together now no longer seems so clear. So, they start to worry if they really are a good match for each other. Do people lose interest in each other, in the same way that they get bored with everything else: the clothes that go out of style, the favorite movie? Does not knowing what I feel for my partner mean that there is no love anymore?
In this Psychology-Online article we explain why you have doubts about your relationship and to dowhen I don't know how I feel about my partner.
Index
- What if I don't know how I feel about my partner?
- Accept that it is normal to have doubts
- Identify warning signs
- Separate personal doubts from doubts about the couple
- Adjust your expectations about love
- Balance your doubts
- Ask yourself questions to clarify your feelings
What if I don't know how I feel about my partner.
Not knowing what we feel for our partner is more frequent than we can imagine. At first we are full of affection for each other, but over time, the relationship seems to become less exciting. that's when we start to doubt our feelings, we pay less attention to our partner, we look at our mobile while they talk and we stop asking them how their day has been.
Doubts become more and more complicated and occupy more space in the mind and you begin to ask yourself if the reason you are not sure of what you feel is that in reality you are not the one to the other. Even though this can be a challenging relationship issue, does it really mean the love is over?
How to avoid doubts due to disconnection in the couple
Relationships are built through moments of connection. Therefore, if the relationship is healthy and both parties continue to bet on each other, they will connect in deeper and more diverse ways. Later, moments may come when they feel disconnected again, until they are reunited with their partner. Connecting and disconnecting in a couple is a process as cyclical as the tides.
The problem usually arises when the first sign of disappointment is interpreted as a sure sign that love is over. If we are aware that moments of disconnection occur inevitably in any relationship, we wouldn't be so surprised when they happen.
However, this does not imply that we should ignore and overlook doubts in a relationship. Do you want to know what to do when I don't know how I feel about my partner? We explain it in more detail below.
Accept that it is normal to have doubts.
First of all, it is important to note that relationships are complicated and can be difficult to understand sometimes. Having doubts is a natural way to process and understand what is happening in a relationship. Doubts can creep in, and not being sure how you feel doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing.
People are social beings by nature, we are powerfully attracted to love, we long to feel connected and we want to protect our emotional bonds. It is natural for doubts to arise when we do not feel connected to our partner, and even when we do feel connected, anticipating a moment when we may not be.
What do doubts mean in a relationship?
Having doubts about the relationship means that to some extent you care enough to think about it. People care about the things that matter to us, and relationships play a fundamental role in our lives.
We care deeply about securing love and keeping it safe. We feel doubts when love may be in danger or disappear. We want our relationships to work and we also worry about not having them. For these reasons, it is difficult to never doubt and have absolute certainties when it comes to love.
Identify warning signs.
As we have mentioned in the previous point, at times it is normal to have doubts and not know what you feel for your partner. At this time, a good option is wonder if the relationship is working, if the person is the right one for you, if you both visualize the same future.
However, how to differentiate between normal doubts in the relationship and alarm signals that warn us that things are going wrong? Well, healthy doubts tend to be assumptions about the relationship itself. On the other hand, the doubts that become alarm signals in a relationship are linked to behaviors of the couple and, often, are reprehensible actions by the majority of people.
Next we leave you some examples to identify the alarm signals:
- You never know where your partner is at night.
- You are not sure if your partner is dating other people.
- Your partner makes you doubt your abilities and makes negative comments about you.
- When you ask your partner for space, they don't respect it and show up anyway.
These types of doubts are alarm signals and are generally signs of deceit, betrayal, control, lack of respect, and exceeding personal and relationship boundaries. In this article you will find How to discover an infidelity.
Separate personal doubts from doubts about the couple.
The doubts may be due to personal insecurities that you could be transferring to your partner, or they may reflect tensions in the relationship. Determining why you are not sure of what you feel for your partner is very useful to know which way to go.
It's also important to keep in mind that doubts from other areas of life can seep into your relationship. In this state of confusion, doubts spread from other areas of your life. If this happens to you, take a moment to acknowledge and identify the source of your doubts about your feelings. If you are distressed at work, with your family, etc. you may be projecting this discomfort to your partner as well and your relationship is damaged.
On the other hand, the expectations we assume of others can be insidious and often difficult to differentiate from our own values. Carefully separate your concerns from those of others. See if external pressures (family pressure, friends, religious, social...) are making you doubt whether your partner is the ideal one for you. The pressure that others transfer to us can create doubts about the relationship and the right person.
Adjust your expectations about love.
We have a strong cultural misconception that love is something that happens to you, and when you're lucky enough to find it, you'll live "happily ever after." So your partner's job is to "make" you feel alive, loved and happy. While we can choose a partner to share love and joy with, only you are responsible for your happiness, vitality, and joy.
Remember that love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm, but rather is built through daily decisions and aware of creating a stable and lasting bond with another person, which adds value to our lives.
Balance your doubts.
It is possible that when you don't know how you feel about your partner, you focus on the negative aspects, their flaws, or the things that don't work in the relationship. In these cases, try balance your doubts using the same approach with what is working. Many people tend to focus on the negative, which means that they do not notice the negative aspects. positive aspects of their relationship and their partner's strengths unless they choose to do so and make an effort aware.
In this case, it can be very useful review five things that are going well in your relationship. Write a list in which you can add positive aspects and review in more difficult moments. Try to reflect on all the ways the relationship works and what benefits your partner brings to your life.
Likewise, if you have a lot of difficulty thinking about things, even the smallest detail of the relationship, the article How to stop thinking so much it may be useful to you.
Ask yourself questions to clarify your feelings.
Finally, here are some important questions to ask yourself to clarify your feelings about your partner:
Am I attracted to my partner?
After the honeymoon phase, it's only natural for the couple to see each other in a different light. However, if you're not sure if you're attracted to your partner, that's something that needs to be addressed.
Doubts about your physical compatibility cannot necessarily be dismissed as small issues. Yeah you don't feel like being around your partner and you are not interested in getting closer to her, it may be an indication that you are not really in love with your partner.
Are my partner and I compatible?
Being compatible does not mean being identical, but that the couple understands the other person's points of view and perceptions, accepts and respects each other. In these cases, the relationship feels like a refuge, like a home and is characterized by tranquility and happiness.
Conversely, if a relationship is characterized by conflicts, fights or regular clashes, it probably indicates that there is no compatibility.
Do we have similar values?
in a couple It's important to be on the same page on the main values of lifestyle. When talking about future plans and goals, do you and your partner find that your visions don't match at all?
If you are a person who values work and long days at the office, do your best and have high aspirations professionals it can be a challenge to build a life with someone who does not have these types of goals as a priority in their life.
Is there effort and real interest on both sides?
The willingness to build and strive for the relationship is what really sets the right person apart. The ideal person is not the one who is perfect and does not have any defects, since that is something impossible to achieve. In reality, they are the person who is prepared to make the relationship work, as long as you are prepared to do the same.
On the other hand, if your partner and/or you you lack the will, the effort and the real interest to remain and grow the relationship, your feelings may not be as strong.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to What to do when I don't know how I feel about my partner, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.
Bibliography
- Gurmann, A. S., Lebow, J. L., & Snyder, D. K. (Eds.). (2015). Clinical handbook of couple therapy. Guilford Publications.
- Yamaguchi, M., Smith, A., & Ohtsubo, Y. (2015). Commitment signals in friendship and romantic relationships. Evolution and Human Behavior, 36(6), 467-474.
