How to deal with a manipulative partner

Some people resort to manipulative tactics to control their relationships and use their partner to their advantage. In these cases, the manipulator or manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power to satisfy their needs, without empathizing with the person who suffers from it. This type of abuse is often not very explicit and can make the person who suffers it doubt their own reality and perception of the world.

For example, it can cause you to question whether you have a right to feel the way you feel, whether your memories were exactly as you remember them, whether you are exaggerating when something hurts you, etc. If you feel identified with any of these situations, in the following Psychology-Online article we explain how to deal with a manipulative partner.

Index

1. Know your rights
2. Identifies manipulation
3. Do not blame yourself
4. Communicate with your partner
5. Shift focus to manipulator
6. watch his reaction
7. Use time in your favor
8. set limits
9. free yourself from the relationship

First of all, both in a relationship and in any other type of interaction with other people, it is essential to know your rights to have dignified treatment and remember that you have the power and moral authority to declare that it is you and not your partner who is in charge of your life. Remember that you have the right to the following:

• be treated with I respect.
• Can express your feelings, opinions and desires.
• Be able to set your own priorities.
• Opine differently from others.
• Say no" without feeling guilty.
• Protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
• Create one happy and healthy life.

These rights, among others, are collected by the General Assembly of the United Nations and are approved and proclaimed in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights^[1]. Unfortunately, our society is full of people who do not respect them, but that does not mean that their actions are justified or that you have to consent to them.

Some manipulative couples disguise their behavior under false protection and/or love. However, real love takes the other person into account and does not seek to harm in order to obtain a benefit. On the contrary, a manipulative person acts according to her interests and it will make you feel uncomfortable, guilty, and even afraid if you don't get what you want.

For all these reasons, it is very important to identify if you are being a victim of emotional manipulation and keep in mind that this is not Love. To do so, we recommend you consult this article on what is an emotional manipulator, traits and how to recognize it.

A study published in The Journal of Sexual Aggression^[2] suggests that manipulators share some common personality traits, such as being emotionally unapproachable, withdrawn, irresponsible, impulsive, distracted and lacking in common sense and self awareness.

Signs of a Manipulative Partner

How does a manipulative partner act? Often the tactics and words of a manipulator:

• invalidate your feelings: "you're overreacting".
• devalue your worth: "you're stupid".
• deny reality: "Are you sure this has happened? Sometimes you don't know things well."
• blame you for their actions: "don't get angry over meaningless things".
• Want to know where you are at all times: for example, he needs to be in communication 24/7 with you.
• victimize: “I get like this because you have made me angry”.

If you want to know more about this, in the following article you will find more information about different psychological manipulation techniques.

Manipulative people tend to detect those with complacent tendencies so that they remain passive and obedient. In this way, since manipulation is based on taking advantage of the other's vulnerability, it is understandably feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not meeting all the demands of your couple.

In these situations, it is important to remember that the problem is not youRather, they are manipulating you so that you feel bad about yourself and are more likely to act in the way that suits the manipulator. Consider your relationship with your partner and ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you treating me with respect?
• Are my partner's expectations and demands reasonable?
• Is the relationship reciprocal? Is what is asked of me equivalent to what I receive?
• Do I feel good about myself in this relationship?

The answers you get to these questions will give you important clues about the state of your relationship.

Once you identify those manipulative behaviors, it's important to communicate with your partner about how their behavior affects you. If you don't, you could reinforce this way of acting, without your partner having arguments to change, and perpetuating their actions over time.

Remember that in a healthy relationship you should not be afraid of exposing aspects that make you uncomfortable, since this is precisely what build a healthy relationship, to the extent that both parties feel comfortable and work together in the same direction.

What to do when your partner manipulates you

Here are some techniques to be able to communicate your feelings effectively to a manipulative person:

• If your partner tries to convince you of a lie, you can say: “we remember what happened differently. Your memories don't have to override mine."
• If your partner tells you how you should or shouldn't feel, you can state: “you have a way of living your emotions and I have others. There is no better or worse way. My feelings are valid and not wrong. Please, let's respect the way we feel."
• If it's a tense conversation and there is a possibility that the conflict will escalate, you can state: “I don't know where this conversation is going. Let's pick this up later when we both have a clearer mind."

If your partner is acting in a manipulative way, there is a chance that they are not aware of the harm their behaviors are doing (of course, it can also be intentional). For this reason, communication is key so that he realizes his actions.

Manipulators often resort to requests or demands to satisfy their needs, which, in many cases, are often unreasonable. In these cases, a very useful way to handle this situation is to change focus, from the person to whom the inadmissible request is addressed to the person making it. In this way, we get focus attention on the manipulator by asking a few questions to probe his position and see if he is aware of what he is asking of you.

For example, you can ask yourself “does this seem reasonable to you?”, “does what you are asking me seem fair? asking?", "Is my opinion important to you?", or "If I asked you the same for you, would you do the same?" Same for me?" Asking these questions will be like putting manipulation in the mirror and revealing the true nature of its demands.

What to do when your partner manipulates you? If you have some degree of self-awareness, you will realize that what you are asking for is not admissible, he will reflect on his actions and will strive to steer the relationship in a direction positive. If you admit your mistakes and has the ability and intent to repair the damage, is a good sign.

On the other hand, if they don't show empathy for you or care about your feelings, they probably won't listen to your questions, minimize their actions, and continue to insist on "getting away with it." If he doesn't admit to any flaws in his performances, doesn't see them as a problem, and doesn't validate your feelings, then it's time to ask yourself if the relationship is appropriate for you.

In addition to unreasonable requests, manipulative people often also expect a response from you immediately to maximize their pressure and control of the situation, or as a way of persuasion. Therefore, in those moments, consider take advantage of time in your favor and walk away instead of responding to your manipulative partner's request.

Taking a distance will help you become aware and respond in a more thoughtful and slow way. Take the time you need to weigh the pros and cons of a situation. Think about whether it is possible to reach a more equal agreement with your partner or if it is best to say "no".

Related to the previous section, the ability to set limits is one of the most important skills for creating and maintaining healthy relationships. It is not about imposing your position, but about recognize your emotions, give them space and validity and search empathy and understanding from the other person.

If your partner behaves towards you that hurt you, it is important that you let them know what is tolerable and what is not, being as specific as possible about what bothers you and why. For example, you can tell him not to talk down to you when you forget something.

In every relationship it is important know which red lines cannot be crossed, which includes the use of certain harmful words and behaviors, treating the person with contempt, destructive criticism, etc. Therefore, if your partner is not willing to change despite your assertive requests, and behaves abusive way without the intention of giving up or rectifying the behaviors that hurt you, it is time to say “no”.

How to act with a manipulative partner? Be able to say no" politely and firmly is a way of communicate assertively that allows you to defend yourself when you are treated unfairly. Remember that your fundamental human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to say “no” without feeling guilty, and the right to choose to live a happy and healthy life.

Therefore, when a psychic manipulator insists on overstepping your boundaries and won't take "no" for an answer, it's in your best interest. break away from the abusive relationship. This will help you realize that there are more possibilities outside of this relationship and that you don't have to stay with that person if they are hurting you.

This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to How to deal with a manipulative partner, we recommend that you enter our category of violence in the couple.

1. Declaration of Human Rights, Mr. OR. (2003). Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Obtained from http://www. aprodeh. org. pe.
2. Miano, P., Bellomare, M., & Genova, V. g. (2021). Personality correlates of gaslighting behaviors in young adults. Journal of Sexual Aggression, 27(3), 285-298.

• Bursten, B. (1972). The manipulative personality. Archives of general psychiatry, 26(4), 318-321.
• Wuest, J., & Merritt-Gray, M. (2008). A theoretical understanding of abusive intimate partner relationships that become non-violent: Shifting the pattern of abusive control. Journal of Family Violence, 23(4), 281-293.