What is RENCOR in Psychology and How to Overcome It

I have always heard that it is better to forgive than to hold a grudge, however, I also know how difficult it is to forgive when someone has damaged the trust we had in him or her. And that, even forgiving them, there is still a trace of resentment and pain within us, which will make our relationship with that person never the same again.

But exactly, do we know what resentment really is? Do we really know how it affects us? Or, on the contrary, do we simply associate unknown emotions with the concept of resentment? In this Psychology-Online article we want to explain what is grudge in psychology and how this has a strong impact on us.

Index

1. Definition of grudge
2. What does grudge mean in psychology
3. Why do you feel resentment
4. How to stop feeling a grudge for someone

Initially I am going to let you know the definition given by the RAE to the term resentment, which refers to the "feeling of hostility or great resentment towards a person because of an offense or damage received ”.

East sentiment with negative connotations It has a strong impact on us, as it is practically inconceivable to find oneself well when this inappropriate feeling is rummaging through our mind.

The main characteristic of resentment is that it is independent of time, that is, there is no correct period of time to feel resentment. If not, this feeling can last in a person for many years.

Grudge has the main characteristic of being a obstacle to proper restoration of a relationship moral between two people. That is, a relationship truncated by a certain act can never return to what it was if there is a certain degree of resentment for either of the two parties involved.

This feeling stands out for being a iron resentment, which is very difficult to make disappear. It is shown in those people who they have felt hurt by others. This feeling can lead to the experimentation of anger and rejection towards the one who caused the cause of discomfort.

From the point of view of psychology, being a spiteful person It can be linked to a personality disorder, because, although we are all capable of feeling this feeling, some people, such as those who suffer paranoid personality disorderThey are incapable of forgetting insults or insults towards their person.

This feeling can have its origin due to multiple causes, such as an insult, a breach of trust, a lie or deception, an offense or even abuse.

According to Kancyper (2003) there is a memory of resentment, which aims to create in people a hope of revenge towards the person who has damaged us in the future. For this, our mind allows us relive feelings That act they created us, making it very difficult for us to forget about it.

The person who has a grudge against someone tends to create in her imagination a series of revenge fantasies about the person to whom you keep that feeling. These fantasies don't just make increase hostile attitude towards the other individual.

In a broad way, we could say that resentment is about a unresolved emotion in the person, where after a situation that generated discomfort in the individual, he was not able to express himself or face it, so repress that discomfort and keeps it inside, transforming it into rejection.

If you feel resentment you may wonder how to eliminate resentment and resentment. Because resentment is an unhealthy feeling that creates a feeling of discomfort in people and that can end up leading to hatred and revenge, here are some tips to overcome the resentment:

• Correctly identify the feeling. A momentary anger with someone, which will disappear in a short time, is not the same as feeling the need for revenge for something they have done to us.
• Observe the consequences. It consists of identifying how the feeling of resentment is affecting us and what it is causing in us (anger, discomfort, hatred, ...)
• Communication. For this, it is not necessary to talk to the person who has caused this feeling. But the goal is to vent, so that anyone you trust can give us their support. You can even go to a professional for help.
• Accept what happened. Sometimes pain prevents us from accepting what has happened to us, because it is easier to hate than to forgive. Here you can see the Reasons why it is so difficult to forgive. However, if we want to feel good about ourselves, we have to take the best decisions and, one of them, is to accept that we cannot change what has happened and therefore accept what happened.
• Make the decision and take action. It is important to be determined to end that feeling. If you want to eradicate resentment, you cannot be returning to the past over and over again, but you have to look ahead and turn the page.
• Be a little selfish. This point is perhaps the one that can create the most controversy in us, since it is about being selfish with our well-being. That is, we have to want to be well and for this, once we realize that with resentment all we do is feel bad, we have to want to eliminate it. It should be clarified that it does not mean being selfish with the negative connotation that is usually given to the word, but simply thinking about ourselves and taking care of ourselves as we would with a loved one. In the following article we go deeper into the subject: What is self-compassion in psychology.

Also, here you will find other 18 psychological tips to learn to forgive.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to What is grudge in psychology, we recommend that you enter our category of Personal growth and self-help.

• Kancyper, L. (2003). The memory of resentment and the memory of pain. Exchanges, psychoanalysis papers / Intercanvis, psychoanalysis papers, (10), 84-94.
• Murphy, J. G. (1982). Forgiveness and resentment. Midwest Studies in Philosophy, 7(1), 503-516.
• Porto, J. and Merino, M. Published: 2014. Updated: 2016. Definition.of: Grudge definition ( https://definicion.de/rencor/)