All of us at some point in our lives have felt and will continue to feel anger and anger in certain situations. Anger, as well as joy, sadness, and fear, are completely normal human emotions that we cannot help but experience. In fact, it is necessary to feel, understand and process them. What can be harmful, especially if it occurs frequently, is when we lose control of this emotion, that is, when anger floods us and becomes extremely destructive. Not being able to control anger, in the same way that not knowing how to manage any type of emotion, can have consequences on our well-being and development in different areas of our life such as, for example, the work, social, family area, and so on.
Are you one of the people who does not know how to control anger? Do you feel that you are easily irritated by anything and you can't help it? Do you have more and more problems with yourself and with other people because of this situation? In this Psychology-Online article about how to control anger
In addition to general tips that can help you manage anger and aggression, here are a few recommendations that you can apply specifically in your relationship every time you feel that you are losing control of your go to.
- Think before you talk. When you feel like anger is taking over you and all you want to do is get it out in whatever way, try to consciously pause and take a few minutes to think carefully about what you are going to say to your partner. Remember that if you say things to him while angry, chances are that when the anger goes away, you will regret what you said and the way you said it. So, before speaking, think carefully about what you are going to say and do not say things that you don't really mean and that are only part of your anger.
- Take your time. If you feel very angry with your partner and you feel that no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to talk to her in a better way, you can choose to ask for time to think things better. That is, instead of reacting and starting a discussion from anger, comment that you need a space to calm down and think. Then, when the time is better, you can talk and discuss in an assertive and conscious way and not so impulsive and dominated by anger.
- Speak in the first person. It is important learn to argue as a couple. Avoid making comments or criticisms of your partner so that you will only generate more tension and anger in her and in you. This is why the best thing you can do is speak in the first person. For example, you can say things like: "It bothered me a lot that you were late for the appointment we agreed on" and what you should avoid saying would be things like: "You are always late, you will never change."
- Don't hold a grudge. Avoid holding a grudge towards your partner. If you allow resentment and anger to become a part of you, the person most affected is going to be you. So it is necessary that you learn to forgive and understand your partner, even if you do not agree with her. Let him know what you feel and think assertively and try to reach agreements to solve the situations that arise. Remember that forgiving the other does not imply that you let them take advantage of you, but simply that you do not get affected by that negative feeling such as resentment.
Once you have been able to control your anger without letting yourself be carried away by it, it is necessary that you express the anger that you feel, but in an assertive way. That is, not from the claim, the yelling or insults, but by letting others know how you feel. Assertiveness is based on communicate the real and objective facts and propose solutions. The assertive communication it is essential in all facets of our life.
For example, if you are angry because your partner did not show up at the agreed time to go out together, first tell him what is happening objectively: "We had arranged to meet at 8 and it is 9 o'clock". Then, let him know how it has affected you (you can tell him that because of this you have stopped making other plans with your family and friends): "I haven't been to my painting class to be on time". Also tell him how that situation made you feel, for example, you can tell him that you felt sad because you wanted to have a good time together: "It bothers me to be waiting, instead of spending time together". Finally, you can assertively propose that for the next occasion I could warn you with more time that you will not be able to make the appointment and that in this way you could better organize yourself with your time.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
