What is ASSERTIVITY: definition, examples and techniques

The concept of assertiveness refers to the ability to communicate to the people around us our feelings and needs but avoiding hurting and offending others. However, to know even more in depth what assertiveness is, we need to make a correct definition according to psychology.

There are those who consider that assertiveness and social skills are synonymous terms. But it is important to keep in mind that assertiveness is only one part of social skills, the one that brings together the behaviors and thoughts that allow us to defend the rights of each one without attacking or being attacked.

Keep reading that Psychology-Online article if you want to answer the question of what is assertiveness with examples so that you better understand what this social and personal skill consists of.

Index

1. What is assertiveness
2. Assertiveness test
3. Assertiveness techniques
4. Psychological tips to be more assertive
5. Examples of assertiveness in communication
6. Assertiveness and empathy: relationship and differences

First of all, it is very important to know what assertiveness means, what it means to be assertive and why it is so important to cultivate this element of our personality. The first characteristic that we must take into account is that assertiveness can be observed in our relationships social and personal, while there are people who communicate aggressively and even passively, the key in social skills it is knowing how to communicate with assertiveness and empathy. For example, the assertiveness at work, as it allows reaching agreements more easily and obtaining the benefits of a good working environment.

Meaning of assertiveness

The meaning of assertiveness according to the Royal Spanish Academy (RAE) is: "Express your opinion firmly."

The definition of assertiveness It consists of a social capacity in which we learn to express our feelings, emotions, we discover the way to respect ourselves but not act aggressively. What is being assertive? Therefore, the meaning of assertive or assertive is the person who uses assertiveness to communicate, that is, that his behavior is based on respect for both others and himself or she herself.

Examples of assertiveness

Next, with these examples of assertiveness and assertive communication we show you what assertiveness is with examples so that you better understand this situation.

Let's put the following situation: you sit in a restaurant to have dinner. When the waiter brings you what you ordered, you notice that the glass is dirty, with marks of someone else's lip paint. In this situation you could:

1. Say nothing and use the dirty glass although to disgust.
2. Make a big fuss in the place and tell the waiter that you will never go to that establishment again.
3. Call the waiter and ask you please I changed your glass.

What would you do? Neither the first nor the second options are appropriate behaviors or characteristics of assertive communication. In that situation, if what we want is to reduce our stress and treat other people with respect, the third option is the most assertive you can carry out. Therefore, the third option is an example of assertive behavior, while the first alternative is an example of passive behavior and the second option refers to aggressive behavior.

Another example of assertiveness would be in the situation where we want to request a raise. To make the requests correctly, it is also important to use assertiveness. In this way, we are defending our rights, recognizing and also respecting the rights of others.

Here is a diagram attached to better understand what assertiveness is.

Once you know the concept of assertiveness and knowing the definition of assertiveness, you might ask yourself: "Am I an assertive person?" To know the answer and know if you are assertive or assertiveness, your way of relating and communicating with others in different scenarios should be analyzed, which will indicate which skills related to assertiveness you possess and which you lack. If you want to know if you are an assertive person, you can do this assertiveness test with results to assess your assertiveness.

The most common assertiveness techniques to enhance assertive behavior are:

• The broken record technique: keep the posture and repeat the same argument calmly.
• Self-disclosure: expose in first person how one feels or what one thinks.
• Objective description: describe the situation as objectively as possible.
• To ask: take nothing for granted, ask the other what he thinks, what he feels and what he wants.
• Fog bank: agree or simply not deny or confront a criticism.

In the following article you will find Techniques to develop the capacity for assertiveness. We can also perform relaxation techniques for adults in the event that we want to learn to communicate calmly and without raising our voice.

Now that we know what assertiveness is, it is time to learn to be assertive. To do this, we can follow the advice provided by cognitive and social psychology. When we are not assertive, we can have problems with our friends, partner, family... and conflicts are not usually resolved quickly and effectively.

The assertive training It is not something easy and we may make some mistakes during the process, however, like any other behavior, it is something that can be learned with practice.

There are two reasons why a person is not assertive:

• They think they are not entitled to their beliefs, rights or opinions.
• They believe that their rights should be defended above those of others, with anger and aggressiveness.

In the first case, assertive training does not consist of turning submissive people into complainers and accusers, but to teach that people have the right to defend their rights in situations that are clearly unfair.

Let's expose here a series of misconceptions that little passive people usually have:

• Never interrupt people. FAKE: We have the right to interrupt the person you are talking to to ask for an explanation.
• No one else is interested in your problems, and you shouldn't waste their time listening to them. FAKE: We have the right to ask for help or emotional support.
• We must adapt to others, if it is not possible to risk losing a friendship. FAKE: We have the right to say "NO".
• When someone has a problem you have to help them. FAKE: We have the right to decide when to help others and when not to.

Cases in which non-assertive people become violent and reactiveIt is important to carry out an assertive training, strengthening empathy and showing the importance of the feelings and rights of the people around us.

Now that you know what assertiveness is, you have to know that there are many techniques to be assertive.

One of the techniques that works best is first disarm the other with a compliment or recognition of their work, of his person or of his task, and then go on to express what we need.

We'll see an illustrative example of assertive behavior:

• Woman: "José, could you go pick up the children from school? I still have to prepare the lesson for tomorrow and I don't think I will have time."
• Husband: "I'm sorry Maria, but I just got back from work and I'm very tired, go."
• Woman: "I know you are very tired, normal because you put a lot of effort in your work. Your boss should realize that and not burden you with so many tasks. But I ask you the favor of picking up the children, since I have to do this job for tomorrow. Then we can rest."

In this last example, they defend their own rights (right to ask for help and express opinions) without violate the rights of the other, since there is no type of order, contempt or aggressiveness towards the other person.

In short: being assertive is express our views respecting that of others.

Remember to be assertive does not mean always wanting to be right, but express our opinions and points of view, whether they are correct or not. We all also have the right to make mistakes and not to be judged excessively for it.

In case you are interested in applying assertive communication in the workplace, you may be interested in the following article about How to be assertive at work.

Empathy is the ability to "put ourselves in the other's shoes", that is, to feel the emotions of others as our own and act taking into account the people around us.

Empathy is a very important characteristic of emotional intelligence and is often related directly with assertiveness, this occurs because in order to be assertive, we need to develop the empathy.

What is the difference between assertiveness and empathy?

The main difference between assertiveness and empathy is that assertiveness is focused on expressing something of ours in the face of others. others, while empathy is just the opposite: empathy is a channel from the outside in, towards our own processing emotional. However, assertive behavior includes having empathy. For more information, you can consult the following article on the differences between assertiveness and empathy.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to What is assertiveness and examples, we recommend that you enter our category of Cognitive psychology.

• Horse, V. AND. (1983). Assertiveness: definitions and dimensions. Psychology Studies, 4 (13), 51-62.
• Mayer-Spiess, O. C. (1996). Assertiveness: expression of healthy self-esteem. Desclée de Brouwer.