Are you having a relationship where your partner doesn't seem to be fully involved? Do you feel like your relationship is stagnant? Why is fear of commitment so widespread today? Why is it especially difficult for men to commit to their partner, despite even being in love? Is it possible to do something about it? In this article from Psychology-Online: What to do when a man is afraid of commitment, we try to shed some light on this.
The famous sociologist Zygmunt Bauman wrote that in modern life there is always a suspicion that one is living a lie or an error, that something crucially important has been left unproven and unexplored, that some opportunities for happiness have not been seized in time and are destined to be lost forever.
When we are children, we have the freedom to experiment and create, to know and discover. We can imagine that we are explorers, artists, kings, wizards, superheroes or villains. The possibilities are virtually endless. However, as we grow older, a series of rules and limitations are imposed on us to fit into adult life, which our similar are acceptable, and that allow us to live with a certain harmony, providing us with information on how they will behave. Thus, we avoid chaos, in exchange for reducing, in a sense, our freedom. This process is known as
In this way, as we move into adult life, we leave behind the possibility of experimenting with many childhood roles to go choosing a vital path. For many, this process is lived normally and does not have significant implications in their lives. Others, on the contrary, come to feel “confined”, either by their own choices or because they feel they have been assigned to a path that moves away from what they expected. When we commit to a partner, we commit to a story. However, there may be nooks and crannies of curiosity about the path that we did not choose: What other stories could we have been a part of?
Bauman spoke of our nostalgia for lives not lived, the unexplored identities and the paths that were not taken. The digital age in which we have immersed gives an unprecedented exit from this crossroads, especially in terms of relationships. With just a simple mobile application we have at our disposal hundreds of profiles of women and men to meet. With minimal effort, without leaving home, we can engage in multiple conversations with endless potential candidates. Why commit to one person, with the next available just around the corner?
One of the most common reasons that men fear commitment is that they can see it as the end of their freedom. Via misconceptions About love and relationships, they assume that having a partner will corner them with responsibilities and they will never be able to live a carefree life again. At other times, commitment is equated with boredom, and they find the idea of getting more involved unappealing. Many guys can be in a relationship for fun and they do not consider exclusivity as something to keep in mind. A classic reason is bitter memories of past relationships and reprehensible behavior by an ex-partner, so they may have fear of re-experiencing suffering caused after a painful breakup. Other frequent reasons are the lack of trust in the person or in the relationship, the lack of maturity and personal insecurities. If you want to know more, in the following article you will find more causes of fear of commitment.
If you have to choose between two options, you will probably choose the one that seems to have more advantages or qualities, or the one that seems “less bad”. But if you have 56 different varieties, it will take much longer to choose the most suitable one, and you will probably spend a lot more time sifting through the options, wondering even after you've decided, if it was for the best or if the others options they could have been the right ones. The crux of the question lies in the missed opportunities, in fear of making the wrong decision and in need of control. However, we cannot ignore that life is full of decisions: from the moment we throw away the first porridge until we apply to enter a university. From the color of the shirt that we wear in the morning to the choice of the vacation spot. And all of them, by their very nature, imply the loss of other options.
In order to overcome fear of commitment, it is vital to accept that the desire for complete security is not something achievable for anyone, and that uncertainty is part of life. It is important not to torture yourself with the discarded elections, focusing on the current moment and its advantages. Also, being honest and expressing what is happening is liberating, and helps foster understanding and empathy in our partner. Having awareness and motivation to change are catalysts for the process. However, there are many individual differences, and both personality, family relationships and the disappointments of the past, play a fundamental role in our beliefs about the couple and commitment. Sometimes, going to a psychologist helps us to elucidate our specific case, to understand what is happening to us, identifying our feelings and facing fears in order to move forward.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
