Do you remember that ex who was afraid to get engaged? Or on the contrary, do you feel that it is difficult for you to get close to your partner and that you want to run away all the time? These and other examples represent a person with avoidant attachment. Within this type of attachment, there are two others, anxious attachment and secure attachment. Anxious attachment would be the opposite of avoidant, while secure attachment would be that ideal. They are those people who are not afraid of commitment, and at the same time are not constantly afraid of losing their partner. They look for their own space but also closeness.
Attachments refer to the way we relate to others, especially close people. They arise in childhood and can change depending on our life experiences. In this Psychology-Online article, we talk about the avoidant attachment: what it is and how to overcome it.
Index
- What is avoidant attachment?
- Analyze what you feel
- Communicate
- Correct your irrational ideas
- Self-esteem
- Look for activities as a couple
- Choose your partner well
What is avoidant attachment?
If you wonder what avoidant attachment is, it consists of the inability or difficulty sharing feelings with your partner or close people. People with this type of attachment may need more space for themselves due to fears about personal relationships. The avoidant or avoidant attachment style is often linked to low self-esteem and fear of being rejected or hurt.
Analyze what you feel.
If you have the avoidant type of attachment, you surely have a disconnection with your feelings and emotions. Try to take time to observe yourself. You can even make a self-registration of three columns, in which the first is the situation experienced, the second what you think as a result of that situation and the third the emotions you feel.
This will help you to discover why you feel, to discover what your needs are and how you can meet them. In this article, we tell you how to make an emotions diary.
Communicate.
Once your needs have been identified communicate them to your partner. Explain that the fact that you need space has nothing to do with your feelings. Also, ask her how you can make her feel more secure in the relationship. Maybe a message while you are with your friends is enough. Think that if your partner has the needs covered, surely later you will not have to pay so much attention because he will feel much calmer and you will be able to enjoy your space more.
For example, you can express to him that when you are training you like to disconnect from the mobile but that if he wants when you finish training you can call him.
Correct your irrational ideas.
How to overcome avoidant attachment? Surely, even in a more unconscious way, one of the consequences of avoidant attachment is that you have many fears about relationships and this is what makes you run away to the minimum of change. You fear that your partner is not there when you need them most or that they will abandon you, so you prefer to leave first.
Understand how irrational this way of thinking is and the many things you are missing by thinking like this. The moment you see negative aspects in your partner because he is not very punctual, think of all the good things you have and that you are omitting for a small defect. Discover how to love your partner's flaws.
Self-esteem.
How to heal avoidant attachment? Avoidant attachment disorder is often due to low self-esteem. You think you're insufficient, so he does not believe himself worthy of receiving love. Thus, one of the examples of avoidant attachment is when one protects himself against any possible threat, since he considers that whoever approaches has bad intentions. In this article, you will see the characteristics of people with low self-esteem.
Linked to this, it is important to overcome past trauma such as bullying, childhood abuse, or a very toxic past relationship. Understanding that the person in front of you is new, not to blame for what happened in the past and that they are there because of who you are, is key to allow you to love and be loved.
Look for activities as a couple.
Your day to day is probably full of activities that you do on your own. You see your friends, you do sports, you read, etc. However, in these activities your partner is not always there. Try to start a new hobby that you and your partner like. It is a way to spend time together doing a pleasant activity that does not involve a great invasion of space or feel that your partner is taking time away from other things.
Invite him to do what you like so much make. You will surely be delighted and you will feel much calmer. An example of this is that you read the same book and then comment on it or that you watch your favorite series together.
Choose your partner well.
Avoid dating an anxious attachment person, as they have high attention requirements. Ideally, find a securely attached person who can understand your space needs and doesn't feel threatened. In addition, their security can translate into greater self-security, so you could become a person with a more secure attachment. If at the beginning of meeting someone you notice that they speak ill of her ex-partners or that they show insecurities, surely be an anxious attachment person so those are your red flags to start getting to know someone different.
If you are dating an anxious attachment person, try understand what your needs are like and as far as possible he tries to cover them. Try to make it much easier for your partner to correspond and cover your space needs. Ask her how she feels, what she needs from you and let her know that even if you are not doing an activity together, you remember her. In this article, you will find more information about how to learn to love.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Avoidant attachment: what it is and how to overcome it, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.
Bibliography
- Barón, M. O., Zapiain, J. G., & Apodaca, P. (2002). Attachment and affective-sexual satisfaction in the couple. Psychothema, 469-475.
- Delgado, A. O., & Oliva Delgado, A. (2004). Current state of attachment theory. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Psychology, 4(1), 65-81.
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Ways to love. The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find love… and keep it. Barcelona: Uranus.
