LIVING with SUEGROS how to wear it?

Mothers-in-law are the big ones "hated" by men and women as a couple, and have spawned countless jokes and jokes over the years. However, the stress and discomfort that family problems bring as a result of a bad relationship with in-laws is something to take seriously. In fact, many women report tension in their relationship with her mother-in-law, a conflict that is associated with increased marital dissatisfaction, according to experts such as Rittenour and Koenig Kellas. Why are relationships with our in-laws often complicated? Are they meant to put stones in our path? Can we do something about it? In this article from Psychology-Online: Living with in-laws, we will tell you.

Index

1. Consequences of living with in-laws
2. I don't want to live with my mother-in-law
3. My mother-in-law wants to live with us, what do I do?
4. Advantages and disadvantages of living with in-laws

Few people would add the presence of their in-laws when they imagine life as a couple. However, due to various circumstances in life, moving in with in-laws could be the only alternative that you and your partner have at that time. Maybe you are going through financial problems and your in-laws have reached out to you. On the contrary, the in-laws, especially in advanced age, may require more assistance, and you are the ones who have offered to help. Whatever the reasons, living with or with one of your in-laws can be tricky and could have some effects on your partner. The consequences of living with in-laws:

• Pressure to have children, or in the case of having them, intrusion in the way of raising them.
• Belief on the part of the in-laws that no one is good enough for her son or daughter and, therefore, conflict, discomfort or disagreement with him or her.
• Pressure to adopt certain religious or cultural norms.
• Imposition of an authoritarian style, based on strict rules, because they continue to see the child as a child, and therefore, treat it as such. By extension, also your partner.
• Disagreements over money, who contributes and how much, how to distribute it. In the event that a loan is needed, around the repayment of it.

If you don't want to live with your mother-in-law, do not blame yourself or be horrified by it. It is a frequent complaint, as mothers-in-law are often perceived as intrusive and controlling. This is true in some cases, as they may have trouble dealing with “empty nest syndrome” or simply not approve of their child's partner. In other cases, they feel lonely, either because they have been widowed or because their husband does not pay attention to them or does not share the same emotional needs. However, there are many beliefs, sometimes erroneous, in society about them, and on many occasions, they are judged beforehand without having been given a chance.

If this is your case, try to remember that she is about your partner's mother, so it is worth looking at the situation from another perspective: is really living with your mother-in-law something as bad as you think? Have you known her long enough to establish outright that she is a negative person? Is it possible that you are being guided by some preconceptions? You can try know her without prejudice. Perhaps behind her authoritative appearance is a wonderful woman to meet.

In case you already know her and have had certain discrepancies or some of her actions have displeased you, it is important to understand that people are imperfect and make mistakes. To coexist it is necessary learn to forgive.

If, due to any of the aforementioned circumstances, you have to live with your mother-in-law, remember that people have a very high capacity to adapt to new circumstances, and even a complicated situation, as a priori, could be living with your partner's mother. In order for you to learn to get along better with your mother-in-law, in Psychology-Online we suggest 8 tips that can help you if you have to live with her:

1. Have a conversation before the coexistence begins. It is necessary to establish limits, in which each person in the family unit knows what their role is, what is allowed and what is not. Making it clear how the home organization and parenting will be is essential to avoid possible intrusions, which will later be more difficult to amend.
2. Put yourself in their place. By adopting an empathetic stance, you may be able to appreciate that the bad relationship with your mother-in-law could be due more to an estrangement from her son than something personal against you.
3. Reflect on your responsibility. Ask yourself what role you are playing in the situation. There are times when a person has done nothing to cause living with the mother-in-law to become strained. However, there may also be situations where you are doing or not doing something that is causing your mother-in-law to be upset. Think again about how you have acted and ask yourself honestly if a third person outside the situation could find fault. Are you a total victim in this situation? Do you do or say things that could prompt a negative response? If so, consider how you can change the way you are handling or reacting to the situation.
4. Communicate with your partner first. Remember that you are a team, and if your partner feels that you don't trust him in the first place, the relationship can suffer.
5. Find intimate spaces with your partner. With the mother-in-law at home it may seem difficult to find privacy, but it is not impossible.
6. Do not enter to argue in any fight. Sometimes it is a sign of maturity to pass up an unfortunate comment. If you can't let it go, communicate assertively, raising your rights while respecting theirs. In the following article you will find how to resolve a conflict assertively.
7. Try to develop a bond with your mother-in-law: be interested in her opinion on a story, ask her about her son when he was little, share a hobby, take a walk together, include her in family activities.
8. Lastly, remember that you don't need anyone's approval to live your life the way you want. Don't go crazy trying to get the go-ahead from your mother-in-law. Not caring what others think of you could be a source of empowerment and personal liberation.

In the following article you will find more keys to coexist in harmony.

From living with in-laws, both advantages and disadvantages can be derived. Thus, it is important to know them in advance to be aware of what could await us and to be able to find a solution. Here are some of the main advantages and disadvantages of living with in-laws:

Advantages of living with in-laws

• Economic improvement: If you are the ones who move to your home, it could mean that you do not have to pay rent or mortgage.
• Domestic help: they can help you with childcare and some housework.
• Children enjoy grandparents: A direct consequence of the above is that children can spend more time with their grandparents, which is enriching for them.
• Best family relationship: you can discover that they are not as bad as they are usually attributed, and establish a bond with them, which in turn would have repercussions positively in your marital relationship, since for your partner it could be very important that you have a good relationship with their fathers.

Disadvantages of living with in-laws

• It can affect privacy: it is more difficult for the couple to have privacy and moments of intimacy when living with in-laws.
• Conflicts stemming from in-laws' attempts to impose rules and regulations.
• Possible loss of autonomy and independence from the partner.
• There could be intrusions in the education of children.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to Living with in-laws, how to take it?, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.

• Pines, A. (2013). Couple burnout: Causes and cures. Routledge.
• Rojas de González, N. (1985). Couple and family conflicts: a new therapeutic approach. 2nd ed. Bogotá: Pontificia Universidad Javeriana; .
• Rittenour, C. E., Colaner, C. W., & Odenweller, K. G. (2014). Mothers ’identities and gender socialization of daughters. Southern Communication Journal, 79(3), 215-234.