The peculiarities that define an elderly mother are determined by multiple conditions in her life that lead her to develop specific attitudes and strategies in her daily life. The appropriateness or unhealthyness of these behaviors will depend on the level of personal development that she gives of her in her life over the years. A manipulative elderly mother comes to this situation due to different personal maladjustments that condition her to emit said type of behavior on her children.
In the following Psychology-Online article we are going to talk about how to treat a manipulative elderly motherWe will explain why these types of mothers act from the role of victims and how we can manage to relate to them without falling into their attitude of control over us.
The reasons why a manipulative elderly mother plays the victim is due to a number of factors:
- In the first place, it should be noted how our current social system makes motherhood invisible and hardly recognizes the arduous task of raising children. Added to this, the woman is simultaneously in charge of organizing household chores, other family matters and her own career path.
- Second, and equally encouraged by our social system, breeding does not occur on many occasions in the conditions necessary affection, tranquility and security that children need to grow and develop as healthy adults and balanced. It is in this way that many of us reach our adulthood with emotional or psychological deficiencies that prevent us from a correct emotional self-regulation and, with it, an efficient personal and pro-social behavior.
- In third place, old age is neglected in many situations, precisely again because of our system and social structure, in which the material, productivity and consumption in the face of conciliarity and mutual care, leaving the fate of our elderly.
- In fourth place, many mothers are overprotective and they are not capable of letting go of their children, granting them the independence they need according to their evolutionary stage. In this way, despite the passing of the years, they continue to tie their children to her side as an unconscious attempt not to want or know how to let go of their mothering function on them. In this article we talk about helicopter parents (overprotective) and how it affects children.
For these four reasons, an elderly mother acts manipulatively and plays the victim. On the one hand, her motherhood has made him surrender all of her potential to the care of her children receiving in return the minimum emotional and social support that has allowed him to feel internally comforted. Added to this, surely this elderly mother has difficulties to recognize her emotional limits and request help when she needs it, which generates in her a continuous overload that she is unable to recognize consciously and that, later, he blames the upbringing of his children with resentment.
These two factors together with the refusal of some mothers to "let fly" their children, together with the feeling of loneliness that elderly people often experience makes these people feel place in the role of victims and, through this, they manipulate their children with the ultimate intention of not feeling alone, of filling the emotional void that they are not able to cover due to their inability to self-manage themselves and not to lose their "offspring".
All of this affects their attitude towards you and your relationship and you may think that you cannot stand your mother, that your mother does not love you, or that your mother is toxic or harmful. They are more habitual thoughts than they seem. Therefore, in the following sections we will see what to do with a victimizing and controlling mother and how to treat a manipulative elderly mother.
In all cases, as a preliminary step to trying to modify the flawed behaviors of this type of controlling mothers, it is a question of internally change us as children those aspects that are maintaining and perpetuating these situations of control over us. We cannot force another person to change, however, when we change our behaviors and attitudes at the time of relate to this person, when we position ourselves in a different place, it is most likely that changes will also occur in the dynamics of the relationship.
Specifically, we should consider the following aspects when treating a manipulative mother and trying to improve the relationship:
- Do not fall into the trap of resentment and struggle aggressive to combat the injustice received. In reality, this behavior only fuels the anger of all participants, generates mutual distrust and increases accumulated resentment
- Don't get into the dynamic and don't give in. In the face of manipulative and victimizing mothers, it is important to remain calm, if possible, during the moment critical and stand firm in our refusal to undertake overt manipulation by proposing alternatives.
- In case it is not possible to remain calm in the moments of manipulation, try to leave the situation so as not to re-act in a way that benefits no one. Walking away will allow us to calm down, clarify ideas and come back more calm to propose alternative solutions.
- Try to be accompanied in critical moments in which we foresee that manipulation situations may occur. If people who know our personal situation accompany us, they can reinforce us at times when we are exposed to situations that we cannot control.
- In extreme cases, we can limit our relationship to the precise moments and avoid contact to avoid falling into the traps of manipulation.
- During that time of non-relationship it is essential work internally to strengthen us emotionally and change passive behavior patterns that predispose us to the response of blind obedience and fear. This personal work will allow us to face our future encounters in a more mature way.
Here you can see the different types of toxic mothers and how to treat them.
When an elderly mother blackmails her children, the most important thing is not to try to modify the mother's behavior, but to modify them as children our behavior so that, as a consequence, the behavior of the victimizing, manipulative and controller.
- Don't give in to blackmail. If there is an elderly mother who blackmails, it is because there are some children who have tolerated this blackmail throughout their lives. In this way, breaking with said relationship dynamics is essential not so much, as we have said, trying rationalize the injustices committed in her maternal role but not responding as children in favor of said blackmail.
- Be firm. It is enough with simple behaviors that cut these interactions with brief explanations about our behavior. Entering into logical arguments opens a war between two opposing positions that they will try to win at all costs. This can generate unnecessary violence and discomfort that can be avoided by being firm and specific in our refusals to blackmail.
- Take distance. Withdrawal after such behavior will avoid unnecessary confrontations and will leave the mother in a temporary situation of loneliness that will prevent her from unfairly unleashing her frustration on the children. Once the nerves have calmed and after the possible reflection that follows this situation, you can start a calm conversation that tries to make a minimum understanding of the situation experienced by both parts.
- Accept and yield. Another possible response to appease a mother's attempts at manipulation and blackmail is to simply accept what she proposes. This, in cases where there have been repeated battles and confrontations over the years, completely dislodges the mother who, Suddenly, she awakens from the spell under which she on many occasions she acts and, empathically, understands the unfairness of her behavior and withdraws her immediately.
In this article you will find information about how to forgive your mother.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
