When you are in a relationship in which your partner generates doubts, you do not know what page he is on, you do not know his true intentions and does not express his feelings, it is normal for you to feel confused, anguished and sad. In these cases, you may start to wonder if your connection is meaningful and start to wonder if your partner loves you or is just using you. However, it is very difficult to recognize this situation, since someone who uses their partner for their own benefit will not do so in an open, direct and honest way.
In this Psychology-Online article we explain 11 fundamental keys that will help you how to know if someone loves you or just uses you.
Index
- Your actions contradict your words
- You know little about his personal life
- The relationship is not defined
- Encounters are primarily sexual
- The plans with you are unstable
- the effort is minimal
- Does not support your interests or activities
- He is only affectionate when he wants something
- Act like you're single in public
- invalidate your emotions
- Alternate between moments of closeness and distance
His actions contradict his words.
How do I know if she likes me or just wants to hang out? First of all, if Your partner's actions are not consistent with their words, it is possible that you do not know what to expect or what to expect from him/her. It may even be that these mixed messages are causing you anguish and you are constantly trying to read between the lines of what your partner really wants or feels.
Some signs that your partner does not really love you are:
- He tells you that he loves you, but shows no real interest no concern.
- He assures you that he is not interested in other people, but flirts with third parties.
- wants to be with you but criticizes you when you are by his side.
- He promises you that he will call you later or write later, but he doesn't.
- He tells you that he loves you, and shortly after that he hates you.
- He gets mad at you and then behaves in a loving way, as if nothing had happened.
Therefore, a continuous discrepancy between the actions and words of the partner is a problem. When people do not behave in a similar way in similar circumstances, they create inconsistency and instability, causing uncertainty in the other person.
You know little of his personal life.
You never know who he is with or how he spends his time because the information he provides about his personal life is minimal. When a person doesn't really love you, they may tell you some things, but not in a concrete way or detailed, so it is possible that you also do not know what their hobbies, passions or their plans of future. Yeah communication is poor, not very fluent and most of the conversations are superficial, it is a bad sign.
If your partner is using you, will have no interest in sharing important aspects of his life with you In fact, they may find it a waste of time to talk to you about how your day has been or to ask for your opinions and concerns. In the following article you will find What to do if my partner doesn't talk to me.
What happens when there is no longer interest in the couple
Disinterest is a decisive factor in a relationship, since it is incompatible with intimacy and knowing little about the other person makes it difficult for us to connect with her. This can cause you to perceive each other as strangers, since you do not have a reserved space in each other's world. from this position can not move forward, which will be very convenient for someone who doesn't really care about you and is just using you.
On the contrary, when someone loves you, they will consistently show their interest and will be willing to share important aspects of their life and ask about yours. He will also be willing to meet you and have deep and meaningful conversations with you.
The relationship is not defined.
A undefined relationship It is the ideal context for someone who does not love you and only uses you, since in this way they will feel very comfortable, since in this scenario it will be easier to camouflage their true intentions. It is important that you consider if your relationship is not defined.
Here are some of the common situations:
- You don't know where you stand in his life: boyfriend/girlfriend, lover, "friends with benefits"...
- You're not sure if you're on the same page.
- Your partner He does not speak clearly about his feelings and intentions with you.
- You are afraid that being vulnerable and expressing your feelings could end the relationship.
- Your partner makes excuses (for example, in a heartbreak from the past) so as not to have to define the relationship with you.
- You assume that your partner wants the same things that you do (for example, to be exclusive) without having had this conversation (for example, by openly asking “what are we?”).
This usually ends in disappointment and hurt later, when you find out that the person you're with crush is not on the same page as you and has no intention of defining the relationship or commit to you For this reason, if someone loves you, there will be reciprocity and they will be open to defining their relationship with you. It is the way to build a deeper commitment and loyalty as a couple.
The encounters are mainly sexual.
When someone really loves you, they will try to spend time together, get to know you, and share plans with you, to enjoy your company. He will show interest in romantic moments and activities in public, beyond the bedroom. However, people who are just looking to have sex they will not be willing to invest time or money in trying a relationship with you. They will look for comfort and the easiest way to satisfy their needs.
Consider where and when he proposes to spend time with you, because these indicators can reveal his true intentions. Are your meetings always at night? You never date in public? If the meetings are always in places that encourage physical intimacy, such as the bedroom or a hotel, it is a bad sign.
Other indicators that someone does not love you and only uses you are:
- He only cares about your physical appearance and pays little attention to your inner qualities.
- There is no romance.
- Encounters always end sexual relations.
- Conversations always turn sexual. For example, he calls you to talk to you and always finds a way to include sex in the conversation.
- He doesn't introduce you to his friends or family.
Plans with you are unstable.
A person who values and loves you will make you feel special and treat you with consideration. He may spontaneously propose plans to you, but he will also call you in advance to anticipate when he will see you again and enjoy your company.
In this way, you can tell when someone does not love you and only uses you, by how they manage their time and plans with you. Here are some aspects that you should consider in case of doubt about whether they love you or are using you:
- Show enthusiasm to see you, but is ambiguous with the date exact.
- You're not sure when you'll see him again or when your next conversation will be.
- Postpone and cancel appointments frequently.
- Assures you that he will call you back later, but he usually forgets or there are unforeseen events that prevent him from doing so.
- Proposes plans when you have been canceled your initial plans.
- VOur meetings are usually sporadic and/or at short notice.
The effort is minimal.
People invest their time and effort in what they value, something that also applies to romantic relationships. The effort in a relationship does not have to do so much with money or great sacrifices, but in think about the other person and plan ahead.
When you are very much in love, you may not realize that your partner does not do anything for you that requires effort and it is easy to excuse him, however, in the long run you will feel that you are the one who is in control of the relationship and you will feel used and you may even come to feel true resentment.
For this reason, it is important that you look at the things that your partner does for you to see the real intentions of promoting the relationship. This does not necessarily mean bouquets of roses and dinners in very expensive restaurants, but small acts of affection to show you that you are important in his life. For example, bringing you a coffee when you're tired or sending you an encouraging text when you're having a bad day.
On the contrary, if you are at the bottom of your partner's priority list, he will devote his efforts only to the top positions and you will move to the background. Going out with you has to do with his comfort and his needs, that is, He does it when it's convenient for him.and. This could indicate that someone does not like you and is only using you.
Does not support your interests or activities.
When there is love in the couple, both members encourage each other to participate in activities and pursue their interests and concerns as individuals. For this reason, it is important that each one have a certain level of self-control, own plans and interests outside the relationship. if someone loves you will see you as a whole person and independent and will not try to “corner” you.
On the contrary, if your partner disapproves and asks you to neglect the activities you like, even though they make you happy, it is a bad sign. For someone who uses you, anything outside of the relationship that requires your attention, time, and money will become a threat.
He is only affectionate when he wants something.
if your partner He is only kind and affectionate with you when he needs you to do him a favor., pay attention to his behavior in general and how he reacts when he does not get any benefit in return. Notice if he does nice things or has nice things with you just to make you feel good, or if he only shows interest when there is something he wants to get.
Pay special attention to the things he does when he doesn't have a reward or a favor to ask of you. If he selflessly does things for you, that's a great sign. Instead, if you suspect your partner is using you, protect your money and other resources and clearly communicate your boundaries.
If your partner loves you, this won't be a problem, as the relationship will be worth it regardless of your money, resources, or other benefits they may get from being with you. On the contrary, if interest disappears when you get nothing in return, the answer to your questions is that he was only using you. If you want to know more about this topic you can also read the article Why is my partner not affectionate and what to do?.
Act like you are single in public.
If your partner acts as if they are not with you in the presence of other people, if there is a big difference between how they treat you when you are alone and when There are others, if you cannot proudly show your relationship in public and you feel that your partner is hiding you, it may indicate that they do not value you in the way they should.
Yeah he does not want to show himself with you in the presence of others, hides the existence of your relationship, displays of affection and affection in the presence of third parties are not "allowed", this is something that must be addressed.
However, your partner may not be ready to make your relationship public and the possibility listening to opinions contrary to her, or simply not comfortable with displays of affection in public. In any case, there is a big step between these possibilities and acting as if he does not know you at all or as if he is single and even flirting with third parties.
Invalidate your emotions.
Expressions such as “don't be so emotional”, “don't be like that”, or “there's no need to talk about feelings”, far from being a way to avoid conflict, are usually excuses to avoid confront and manage emotions. Therefore, when someone He tells you that he does not want "dramas", the message that is actually conveying to you is "I cannot or do not want to manage emotions".
This expression is usually the reflection of someone who has had, precisely, many "dramas" and probably has not managed to manage them well. However, this is not the way to resolve the situation, as a problematic dynamic is established where emotions are suppressed.
How to know if your partner invalidates your emotions
Consider the way your partner reacts when you express your feelings. if your partner asks you to be less emotional or accuses you of being "dramatic", this is a clear form of invalidation that can cause you to even question yourself. If someone uses you, they probably don't care about your feelings and may even find it uncomfortable, since resorting to the rule of "zero dramas", through the use of silence there is no place for them.
First of all, remember that all your emotions make sense, and your partner has no right to shut you up or blame you for how you feel. When someone really loves you, expressing your emotions and insecurities is not a problem. Your partner will collect and validate your feelings with the security and empathy that a partner must provide in this type of situation.
Alternate between moments of closeness and distance.
When your partner displays extreme closeness behaviors but then pulls away from you, it's normal to feel confused and frustrated. For a moment, you feel happy with his attention and affection, but then he becomes distant and indifferent and you wonder what could have happened or what you did to make him walk away from you.
If your partner showed great interest in you at first, he wanted to know everything right away, but now seems indifferent, the initial interest may have been selfish and insincere. Maybe at first he was not so focused on learning about your experiences, but on obtaining information and getting your attention. He may also deliberately walk away to use you and then distance himself from you again when he's got what he wants and doesn't need you.
In any case, if someone loves you, they will try to create a real connection with you, not a fantasy held in manipulation and control or use strategies to keep you interested and then confuse you in a sea of doubts. When love is real, it will try to give you security, clarity and his affection and interest will be consistent over time and in no case will he intentionally hurt you.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to How to know if someone loves you or just uses you, we recommend that you enter our category of Feelings.
Bibliography
- Ben-Ze'ev, A., & Goussinsky, R. (2008). In the name of love: Romantic ideology and its victims. OUP Oxford.
- Birnie, C., Joy McClure, M., Lydon, J. E., & Holmberg, D. (2009). Attachment avoidance and commitment aversion: A script for relationship failure. Personal Relationships, 16(1), 79-97.
- Gurmann, A. S., Lebow, J. L., & Snyder, D. K. (Eds.). (2015). Clinical handbook of couple therapy. Guilford Publications.
