A relationship is largely about feelings of love, connection, and companionship. But there's also the practical side of living together, like housework. Although they are usually a thankless, repetitive and boring job that we have to deal with every day, they cannot be ignored, since they are part of our daily lives. It's also something we spend a lot of time talking about with our partner, and it can play a role in our relationship. So, if your partner behaves carelessly at home, does not do homework, messes up, etc. it is normal for you to wonder what is happening and how to handle the situation.
In this Psychology-Online article we explain Why does my partner not collaborate at home and what to do?.
Index
- Why does my partner never help out at home?
- What happens if your partner does nothing at home
- What to do if my partner does not collaborate at home
Why my partner never helps at home.
Possible reasons why your partner isn't helping out around the house could include:
1. Difficulties doing housework
If your partner never helps at home, they may have difficulties in carrying out household chores. Generally, they can be due to lack of time and motivation, Difficulty organizing or planning, lack of skills to carry out certain tasks, or simply differences in the way in which each person interprets, prioritizes or understands what it means to collaborate at home.
2. Social inequalities and gender stereotypes
Unfortunately, in many marriages it is assumed that housework is for the woman, while for the man it is optional. In these cases, when they do something, they see it as helping their wives and being a good husband, but they don't see it as a real responsibility. In turn, they often expect what they do to be noticed and praiseworthy, and sometimes even a basis for trading other assets and financial resources with their wives.
This inequity is partly a result of social and gender inequalities rooted in society since childhood. We learn from our parents that girls are the housewives and boys are the breadwinners, and we perceive and interpret events in terms of these definitions.
Also, due to parenting styles and early learning, it is possible that many people are not used to cleaning and ordering, which can lead to devaluation of household chores. Housework is often associated with poverty, as people who work at home often have lower incomes and access to education.
3. Efforts to gain power and control
The division of household chores can cause conflict in the couple and become a battle. Many people may feel that in their relationship their partner is trying to control them by nagging or not doing their part. Each one tries to accuse the other of what they do wrong or fail to do with phrases like "You never keep your clothes clean" or "You keep telling me how to do things!"
In these kinds of situations, both people feel hurt, criticized, and powerless. As a consequence, the feeling appears that your partner does not care much about your happiness, but simply wants to win. Keep in mind that efforts to gain power and control are often related to abandonment experiences and treason.
4. Emotional problems are expressed through the home environment.
It is true that on many occasions many people do not clean and do their chores as a result of the laziness that it causes them. However, it is important to note that it may be the fatigue that accompanies the depressionas well as hopelessness. If your partner is sad and feels that nothing is worth it, you may not find the meaning or energy to collaborate at home.
The home is often an expression of our inner world. When a person is depressed, they stop showering and doing laundry, which reinforces feelings of self-hatred. Anxiety can also affect household chores. In this sense, the obsession with neatness and cleanliness it can manifest as a response to overwhelming concern that is managed through organization and control.
What happens if your partner does nothing at home.
The cleanliness of a home can have implications for the way a person feels and relates to a couple. When the cleaning and care of the home is carried out by a single person and all the burden of the tasks falls on her, can have negative consequences both individually and in the relationship.
In a study carried out by Saxbe and Repetti[1] The way in which people distribute their time and tasks at home was analyzed. The researchers found that women who describe their homes as messy report more depressed moods throughout the day than women who consider their home as calm and relaxed. In addition, those people who perceive their home to be messy show higher levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.
Therefore, the way we feel about our home can affect us both psychologically and physiologically. The problems begin to appear when it is time to divide the amount of housework assumed by each person. Most of the conflicts arise from the perception of injustice.
What influences the perception of justice in the couple
However, the scientific literature indicates that men and women have different ways of defining what is fair. Men look at the big picture, considering everything they do in their marriage, how much money they make, and how much time they spend at work or with the kids.
Some even consider activities in which they feel compelled to participate, such as visiting relatives or other people they don't like, as housework. Then they add it all up and then calculate how many chores you still have left to do. Instead, women tend to focus on the amount of housework they have to do, regardless of everything else they bring to the family structure.
it's not alone the amount of work what influences perceptions of injustice, but also the type of tasks assigned to you. In this sense, some men consider that certain tasks are appropriate for them and others are not. Tasks like breakdown repairs are acceptable because they affirm your manhood and personal identity. Other tasks such as cooking, cleaning and washing are often mistakenly considered as feminine and relegated to women.
How gender stereotypes affect the couple
Despite the fact that stereotypes are often represented by men, in some cases women also play a prominent role in keeping it alive. In this sense, many wives take on household chores as their own because they perceive it as her “territory”. In this way, they give domestic work a way to confirm their identity as housewives and to express love and support for their families. Because the cleanliness of a home reflects on the woman in this case, she can develop higher standards for what is clean and tidy.
On the other hand, many wives see their husbands' help as a show of love and appreciation, when it should be normal and basic in the relationship. The overloaded handcuffs they may feel frustrated and ignored and, consequently, dissatisfied with her marriage. If a woman is working, it may be too difficult for her to reconcile work and family life, and this can lead her to feel depressed and demoralized.
Women can also see what other husbands around them are doing. If her husband is doing as much or more, they interpret it as receiving support and good treatment. If he doesn't compare well with others, or she feels that her workload is unfair, she may think that she has no support and that she is paying too high a price for her marriage.
Finally, people with a history of feeling subjected or exploited as a consequence of gender, sexuality, skin color, etc. they may be especially sensitive to asymmetry in household responsibilities. This is especially harmful, since in addition to perpetuating these unfair dynamics, they can make the person relive traumatic experiences from the past. In the following article you will find more information about How to overcome psychological trauma.
What to do if my partner does not collaborate at home.
If you and your partner find yourself in a conflict over household chores, it's important to acknowledge and address the situation in order to resolve it effectively. If not handled correctly, housework can negatively affect the relationship and be one of the main causes of marital dissatisfaction. For this reason, here are 5 effective ways to manage the situation:
1. Challenge social and gender stereotypes
As we have seen in the previous sections, social and gender stereotypes are harmful and damage people and relationships. Therefore, although at first it may be difficult for couples to recognize the impact that systems patriarchal and other power structures have on family life, as adults we have the responsibility of question them and not assume dysfunctional beliefs as valid that perpetuate unfair dynamics.
It is true that today many husbands are more willing to collaborate than before, but in general the division of tasks are still far from equal and home care in many cases is still squarely on the shoulders of the wives. Therefore, it is very important recognize and challenge these stereotypes and work to promote equality in the relationship so that both people feel recognized, respected and valued.
2. Define what cleaning means and how it affects you
Being clean and tidy means different things to different people. For example, it can mean that everything has a specific place, that visible spaces must be clear. Try to specify what you mean specifically when you talk about the mess in the house: is it piles of clothes, dishes, papers, etc., or is it dust accumulated on the surfaces? Do you mean the coats on the coat rack or the newspapers piled up on the dining room table?
First of all, don't make assumptions about what your partner means. Instead, try to have a detailed discussion about what being clean and tidy means to you and what areas you mean.
3. Explain how you feel when your partner doesn't help out at home
Be sure to communicate to your partner how cleaning the house affects you. Going back to the Saxbe and Repetti study mentioned above, home cleanliness can affect the level of stress you experience. For this reason, try to explain to your partner how it affects you so that I can understand you and empathize with you. Tell him how the way the house is maintained interferes with his functioning and/or causes him stress.
Your partner may see your habits as unimportant and need to understand why you should try harder. By letting your partner in on your experience, they are more likely to be more cooperative.
Furthermore, research has also shown that feelings of frustration may arise between members of the couple as a result of an unequal division of labor and the perception of unfairness in the way tasks are distributed[2]. This is difficult to predict, as each member of the couple may view household chores and the need for chores differently.
4. Household chores are a shared responsibility
Clutter in the house, such as unwashed dishes, can be interpreted as disdain and lack of appreciation towards the person who collects and orders. This person may come to wonder if her partner really cares, since she does not care about the mess and the load of tasks. In fact, research by Carlson, Miller, and Rudd[3] has shown that one of the links between the division of household labor and relationship satisfaction is communication within the couple.
The extent to which household chores are treated as a shared responsibility can affect the way you think and feel about each other. This means that both you and your partner You must collaborate to keep the home in good condition and work properly. This can include tasks like cleaning, maintenance, cooking, meal planning, caring for children and other family members and animals, etc.
However, it is important to note that each pair may have different ways of dividing and assigning tasks of home. The most important thing is that both members of the couple feel comfortable and satisfied with the way they that responsibilities are divided and that each one feels respected and valued for the work they do does.
5. Be flexible and give in
Finally, even if your habits and desires are different from those of your partner, sBe aware of your partner's needs and take them into account it's key. If both of you are willing to compromise a little, you can live together in harmony.
Likewise, it is important to respect the individual freedom of each one to maintain certain spaces to their liking. If your partner wants to have certain paintings, tablecloths, souvenirs, etc. Even if you don't like them, it's their choice. Loving your partner implies respecting him. What may seem unsightly to you, they may see as decoration. By agreeing certain margins for the order, it is possible to maintain, respect and be flexible with the tastes and choices of your partner.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Why my partner does not collaborate at home and what to do, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.
References
- Saxbe, D. E., & Repetti, R. (2010). No place like home: Home tours correlate with daily patterns of mood and cortisol. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(1), 71-81.
- Charbonneau, A., Lachance-Grzela, M., & Bouchard, G. (2021). Threshold levels for disorder, inequality in household labor, and frustration with the partner among emerging adult couples: A dyadic examination. Journal of Family Issues, 42(1), 176-200.
- Carlson, D. L., Miller, A. J., & Rudd, S. (2020). Division of household, communication, and couples' relationship satisfaction. Socius, 6, 2378023120924805.
