Why I suffer from ANGER ATTACKS and how to control them

Anger is a normal emotion that is adaptive in that it warns us that they are attacking our integrity, violating our rights or failing to satisfy our needs. However, if we do not know how to control our anger, different areas of our life can be affected. Personal relationships decline or break down, employment relationships can be affected and our employment compromised. In addition, attacks of anger tend to worsen the situations in which they occur, promote aggression and can affect our physical and mental health. That is why in Psychology-Online we want you to know why you suffer from angry outbursts and how to control them.

Index

1. Why do I have outbursts of anger?
2. How to control anger and rage
3. How to control anger in boys and girls
4. How to control anger attacks in your partner

As we mentioned anger appears when something frustrates us, hurts us or seems unfair. In these types of situations, the adaptive thing is to feel angry, hurt, frustrated or disappointed but sometimes we feel anger, anger or rage. These reactions are mainly due to a series of

• <I must do things well and earn the approval of others. Otherwise, I am bad.> This belief often leads to anxiety, depression, shame, and guilt.
• <Others must treat me well. They must be kind and fair to me. They must treat me as I want. Otherwise, they are bad and deserve punishment.> This belief leads to anger, passive aggression, and violence.
• <The world must give me what I want and not what I don't want. Otherwise it is terrible and I cannot bear it.> This belief leads to self-pity and procrastination.

Why can't I control my anger? There are many myths and misinformation about emotional management. You may be using strategies that sustain or catch anger attacks. Here are some useful and unhelpful strategies for managing anger, aggression, and rage.

Counterproductive strategies

We are going to analyze five ways to manage anger that, although they can help us in a specific moment, do not obtain the best results in the long term.

1. Release anger. There is a belief that letting out our anger lessens it and prevents it from building up and exploding when we least expect it. This method allows us feel relieved for a short time, but studies have shown that it does not actually reduce our anger, but increases it and favors the appearance of violence. It is harmful to health by activating us excessively. In addition, by acting possessed by our anger, we can do or say things that we later regret, causing feelings of guilt and shame.
2. Time out. Another of the beliefs about the effective control of anger invites us to disappear from the place or situation that has caused us anger to calm ourselves. This is practical for reduce our activation physiological, however, it is not a long-term solution since avoiding anger does not eliminate it, the situation can repeating itself and causing anger again, it can affect our relationships and prevent us from learning to handle attacks of go to.
3. Using anger to get what we want. Due to fear of our attacks, others may agree to our requests, whether or not they are reasonable. We may like to get what we want, but this attitude will end up pushing anyone away from us.
4. Solve childhood trauma. Some therapists assure that by reliving past traumas we can eliminate present anger, however, it is a lot more effective to work on what causes our anger now and correct it than to analyze what caused us anger in the past.
5. Change the events that cause our anger. This can be useful on rare occasions as we usually cannot change the circumstances or the people that cause us anger or rage. What we can do is change our thoughts and the way events affect us. In reality, the choice is ours and does not depend on the behavior of others or external events.

The method for managing anger effectively

To learn to control our anger effectively and in the long term we will work on our thoughts, as are the cause of disproportionate reactions and it is in our hands to change them for other rational and adaptive ones.

The Rational Emotional Behavioral Therapy (RETT) by Albert Ellis provides excellent results. This technique proposes that an event (A) activates our thoughts or beliefs (B) that cause our emotions or behaviors (C). In other words, it is not the event (A) that causes the emotions and behaviors (C), but rather our thoughts or beliefs (B) that cause it. And these thoughts and beliefs (B) can be modified. To do this, we will follow these steps:

1. Identify irrational thoughts
2. Question them
3. Change them for more adaptive ones

The most common thoughts associated with irrational beliefs that generate our anger are:

• Qualify a situation as terrible. For example: "It's terrible that this happened to me."
• Thinking that someone or something should be different from what it is. For example: “I shouldn't have done that”, “I shouldn't have acted that way”.
• Thinking that what happened is unbearable or intolerable. For example: “it is intolerable that they treat me like this”, “I can't stand that situation”.
• Generalize and label someone for a specific fact. For example: "He has acted badly, so he is a bad person and should be punished."

Once we identify irrational thoughts or beliefs, we must analyze if they are so true as we believe. Later we will replace them with other thoughts more real and beneficial. Let's see examples:

• "It's terrible that this happened to me" - Is it really so terrible? Is it the worst that could have happened? Not really, so we substitute another thought like: "I don't like what happened."
• "I shouldn't act that way" - Where is it written how someone should act? Is it not possible that he was wrong? Don't you have the right to make a mistake? Do I really believe that it is possible to make people act the way I would like them to act? Adaptive thinking: You have made a mistake in the way you act, you may have reasons that made you act this way, or it may be that your intention was good.

Little by little and with practice we will be able to modify those thoughts and we will have the necessary ability to calm down and react to an imminent attack of anger. We will finally know how to manage our anger.

Other strategies to manage anger

Other helpful tips for managing moments of anger and rage include:

• Practice relaxation techniques to reduce our activation.
• Use humor to play down to the situation that generates anger.
• Practice changing thoughts and relaxation by exposing ourselves to situations that provoke anger.
• Accept ourselves It will give us security and it will also help us not to be affected so much by events that we do not like.

We have already seen that anger is an emotion that arises when we feel attacked, frustrated, or when our needs are not being met. In the case of children it was not going to be less. They also get angry and frustrated and in fact to a greater extent than adults since they are not yet able to understand certain behaviors, situations or norms.

What causes anger attacks in children

Children's lack of knowledge, empathy and understanding makes them more vulnerable to outbursts of anger. They have not reached a sufficient level of development to understand that things don't always go the way you would like and they get frustrated easily.

If it is time to go to bed and they want to continue playing they get angry. If what they want to eat is sausage and not lentils, they get angry. If they want, we tell them that they should pick up the toys instead of watching cartoons, they get angry, frustrated, and so on with many things.

Little by little and respecting their development they learn and, although they still do not like that kind of thing, their frustration and anger are reduced. But while we can teach them to reduce their discomfort.

What does an attack of anger look like in children

Lack of skills to handle frustrating situations causes girls and boys to express anger yelling, throwing objects, hitting those around them, throwing themselves to the ground and kicking, insulting or breaking what they find nearby. They are the famous tantrums or tantrums and they are unpleasant for them and for them and for their caregivers. Not to mention the hard time we have when they happen on the street.

How to teach children to control their anger

Three steps to dealing with tantrums:

1. The first thing we should do when faced with an attack of anger by a minor is keep calm. It is perhaps the most difficult test because it is really easy to lose patience in the face of a tantrum, but if we get angry or aggressive we will make the tantrum worse. Remember that anger increases anger and encourages aggression. In the following article you will find How to be more patient with children.
2. When the minor has calmed down, and the time will come when this happens even if it seems impossible to us given the air traffic of objects, we will try to talk to him or her. We can ask you what caused your anger. It's interesting name emotions that he is explaining to us so that he learns to identify them. Y we will ask you how you felt during your anger and after calming down. Always with words appropriate to their age, which they can easily understand.
3. Teach you an alternate way to respond when a similar situation occurs. This requires identifying what caused his anger and teaching him alternative solutions. Identify what went wrong and can modify. Explain that other answers will make him feel better. Always reinforce him when he responds with acceptable behaviors.

6 techniques to control anger in boys and girls

The recommended psychological strategies to work on emotions with children are the following:

1. Work empathy. Teaching him to put himself in someone else's shoes will make him begin to understand certain situations. When they are very young, this training requires perseverance and a lot of practice. We can help each other with drawings, stories and dolls. For example, using puppets to tell a story in which we will emphasize how the protagonists feel.
2. Channel your anger. Drawing, coloring, and writing, when their age allows, will help them channel anger into those activities rather than lashing out at everything around them. They can use drawing as a technique to relax or to express how they feel. Writing about problems gives them a different focus and diminishes their importance.
3. Relaxation training. Learning to relax will serve them for a lifetime and you can start from a young age. We will use techniques adapted to their age, that they understand and can repeat to practice. We can do it with them to facilitate their learning. Try these 15 relaxation exercises for infants.
4. Release tensions. The most energetic, those that we consider that they do not stop, benefit from the practice of physical activities. Running, jumping, playing sports... It can release accumulated tension. If it is also a team sport they will improve their social relationships and they will learn teamwork and collaboration to achieve common goals.
5. Self-control strategies. Teaching them self-control strategies with techniques adapted to their development is also very useful.
6. Emotional intelligence. Identifying emotions with games and comics is a fun way to increase your emotional intelligence. Here you can find out more about emotional intelligence in boys and girls.

5 useful tips for an infant's rage attack

Other tips on how to deal with tantrums:

1. Stay calm at all times.
2. Be patient but firm.
3. Don't try to eliminate their frustration by giving them what they ask for. They must learn what frustration is and how to handle it.
4. Act as on any occasion. Boys and girls learn by imitation and if we have angry reactions that is what they will learn.
5. Always reinforce positive behaviors. Positive reinforcement is the most effective way to maintain a behavior. In this article on operant conditioning you will see how to apply it and examples.

One of the consequences of anger attacks is that they negatively affect our social relationships and, although It may seem that strangers are the most likely to trigger our anger, the reality is very different. We think that in general we direct our anger towards people we dislike, however, most of the time we get angry with the people we know best. And who do we know better than our partner?

Why do we have fits of anger towards our partner?

What matters most to us is what affects us the most. That is why it is understandable that anger arises towards those we know best, such as our partner. Therefore, because there is more probability of getting angry with whom we spend more time and because the frustration and disappointment are greater if we know the person who has caused them, since we do not expect it.

How to control attacks of anger towards our partner

We already know several ways to manage anger that is short term. Some of them are myths and they don't work. We are going to analyze them in the context of the relationship to the couple:

• Release anger. Letting our anger come out with total freedom not only does not diminish it but increases it and favors violence and aggression. We can also damage the feelings of our partner, something that does not favor the relationship in any case.
• Time out. Leaving the room at the moment when we feel anger until we calm down has the advantage that it gives us time to reduce the activation and see things more clearly, without acting being victims of anger or anger. The biggest drawback is that it is an avoidant behavior and that does not solve the problem or make it go away. In order not to give that feeling, we can inform our partner that we need a few minutes to calm down and thus be able to dialogue on the subject. Once we are calm, we will talk about what worries us or makes us angry with an assertive attitude and avoiding accusatory messages, labels and disrespect. That is, with assertiveness.
• Using anger to get what we want. If our partner makes concessions to us so that we do not get angry, we are distancing them from us. We are restricting your freedom and subjecting it to our will without taking into account your wishes and interests. Issues incompatible with a healthy relationship and reasons for a more than likely breakup.
• Changethe events or people that cause our anger. Difficult to change a fact that has already happened and difficult to change someone if they have no intention of changing. What we can do is communicate to our partner how certain things make us feel and reach mutually beneficial agreements.

Long-term the best option is to identify the beliefs that make our anger surface, find the thoughts associated with them, check their veracity and replace them with other rational and adaptive. At the beginning of this article we explained the technique with examples.

How to react to a fit of anger from your partner

The three essential steps:

1. Keep calm and don't get into the aggressiveness. Responding to one attack with another will make the situation worse.
2. Use empathy. Try to put yourself in his shoes to understand how he feels and what could have made him feel that way. To be empathetic, it is not necessary to agree with what the other thinks, only to understand the importance that the event has for him or her and the emotions that it provokes.
3. Dialogue. Once possible, discuss the reason for their anger. Dialogue is not arguing. In the event that someone needs to apologize, this is a good time. Choose “me messages” and avoid directly or indirectly accusing or using irony, communicate with assertiveness, with a soft tone and keep an active listening when the other speaks.

Tips to decrease anger in your partner

Recommendations to reduce and solve arguments with your partner:

• Increase communication in the couple it will reduce or eliminate misunderstandings.
• Develop a greater knowledge about the other. The more and the better you know each other, the less likely you are to harm yourself.
• Work empathy. With the partner and with everyone else. Here you will find how to practice empathy.
• Practice the TREC (or A-B-C) of Albert Ellis in the different areas of life. There is a great variety of books who teach this technique and have exercises to perform, or you can look for the help from a psychologist or psychologist that will solve any doubts that may arise. Doing this activity as a couple will improve the relationship.
• Learn from every difficulty that arises to act in the best possible way in the next. In the article How to have a healthy relationship you will find more useful information.
• Learn and practice relaxation techniques. They will help you to reduce the activation caused by anger, rage, anxiety... Try this guided relaxation video.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to Why Do I Have Anger Attacks And How To Control Them, we recommend that you enter our category of Emotions.

• Buela-Casal, G. Sierra, J.C. (2009). Psychological evaluation and treatment manual. Madrid: New Library.
• Ellis, A. (2007). Control her anger before she controls you. Barcelona: Paidós.
• Vallejo Pareja, M.A. (1998). Behavior therapy manual. Madrid: Dykinson.