When you start a relationship, you may think that nothing could influence your love because a relationship is a matter of two. However, each one or each carries a backpack to the relationship that contains past experiences, environment, friends, family... At Psychology-Online we want to talk to you about what happens when your partner doesn't love your family because it can influence the development of the relationship.
Among the problems that can arise in a relationship is a case that is repeated more frequently than we would like: that there is conflict between one of the members of the couple and their in-laws. The most frequent circumstances are:
- Your partner can't stand your family because they hardly have things in common. Perhaps the values, beliefs, and behaviors in general are so different that they clash.
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Your partner can't stand your family because he thinks they get too involved in your relationship. This usually happens when parents are overprotective or authoritarian. In one way or another they are used to giving their opinion and even deciding on all matters related to their son or daughter and that includes their relationship with a partner.
- Your family does not like your partner Or she doesn't seem good enough for you and it ends up showing in the way they treat her. Your partner, feeling judged, criticized or neglected, refuses to spend time with your family. Here you will find more information about what to do if your mother does not accept your partner.
In the event that your partner wants to take action to improve the relationship with your family and thus prevent it from affecting your relationship, you can try the following:
- Find common hobbies with some members of your family and organize a meeting around that. The approach is easier in moments of leisure, the participants tend to be more receptive. When we do things that we like, we are in a good mood and that influences the way we communicate and what we transmit.
- I could talk to your family and explain how important you are to him / her. Perhaps this way your family understands that they are willing to do what it takes to make you happy and that will change their opinion of your partner.
Despite making an effort and trying to improve relations with the in-laws, your partner must be himself or herself in any case and set the limits that you consider insurmountable.
If, no matter how much you have done on your part, the relationship does not improve or even becomes unbearable, it may be recommended that couple-family encounters are reduced to what is strictly necessary (weddings, Christmas and similar). That does not mean that you do not see your family, you can continue spending time with them, but it is not necessary that your partner is always there. In addition, if we reduce friction to a minimum, it is possible that on the few occasions when things are seen they are calmer and the grudges have decreased over time.
The situation is complicated if you have children with your partner, since they have the right to spend time with their grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc. In these cases you can go with your children to see your family and while your partner can make other plans with her family, for example.
If you get to the point of having to choose between your partner or your family, things have not been done very well and the situation has become more complicated than necessary.
As I mentioned in the previous section, if your partner's relationship with your family is unsustainable, you can agree with him / her that you will spend time with the family on your own. I don't think it is necessary to give up your family or give up your partner.
Sometimes you have to be aware of the things that we can change and those that we cannot change and in the second case, accepting them will be the best for us. No matter how much you do, the thinking and behavior of others is not up to you. Both your family members and your partner are adults and responsible for their own actions. It is not your fault that they decide not to do their part to contribute to a good environment in order to maintain a cordial relationship.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
