In this article on Psychology-Online, we explain what can you do if your child does not accept your new partner, what behaviors can be seen in it and how to solve it.
Children, when the bond between their parents is broken, many times they tend to approach it as something very bad, they think that this new person is going to steal their mother and father's love or that they are going to abandon them. We will take into account that for them the family is the space where they feel safe and comfortable, it is their comfort zone, if it breaks, everything falters. We must have patience, understanding and a lot of empathy.
There are several factors for your partner and your child not to get along and they can vary in how traumatic a separation can be, between them: the child's age, personality, maturity, sensitivity, how we approach the problem, how was the current relationship with their parents, etc.
Verbalize the problem
First of all, we must verbalize the problem. We must see the child as a competent and active being in the world. We should not give less importance to a problem of a child than to a problem of an adult. We will explain that no one will try to replace either of us and we must also verbalize the needs we have as adults, the right to rebuild our lives. If the child feels that his concerns have never been taken into account or simply have never been given importance, he may not now know that he can do it. We will try to convey that mom and dad are by his side so that he can express himself and express his concerns without being judged or belittled for being a child.
Have patience
Must give it time, have patience. Children have the right not to accept everything the first time. As adults, there are things or situations that we simply do not like or that we take longer to accept. Exactly the same thing happens to them and it is important not to impose anything just because. Rationalize and understand the child. If we give you the ability to question yourself and see what you like or don't like, we are giving you the ability to build your own personality and identity.
We will not force them to show affection, we will not force them to kiss or hug our new partner. They will be the ones who will choose when they want to start showing her affection towards her.
Dialogue
Before introducing your new partner, talk about your relationship with your son as fluently as possible. Go explaining and preparing the ground before a match, so you can see his reaction and if it is a good time to present it or not. We must also be sure that the relationship is stable, it may simply not be the time yet and we can wait to do so.
Plan meetings
For the child to go getting to know the new partnerWe can make plans together, a specific plan that he loves. If we integrate the new couple in an environment where the child feels in his comfort zone and is at ease, it will be easier for him to approve. At first, it can go to days, to days to be well, and to days it can regress behavior. It is totally normal. We must give time.
Change the focus of our gaze
See beyond and change the focus of our gaze. When a child gets angry or throws a tantrum, he doesn't do it because he does. Each behavior has a reason behind it, which we do not see. To help understand it, we can imagine an iceberg: the tantrum is what you see, what sticks out of the water, and what is underwater we can understand it as the reason for the tantrum or anger (insecurities, misunderstanding, fears, emotional lack of control, etc.). This method can be used for all types of conflict, there is always something behind a bad behavior or a call for attention.
Especially in younger children, we will try to habits and routines they are not too affected, especially if the new couple joins the daily coexistence. Children need routines, routines give them stability and when these are affected it may add some difficulty to the separation itself.
Do not argue in front of the child
Children are distressed to see their parents argue, as we have commented previously, for him, it is his comfort zone. We will try to make it as natural a separation as possible and if it is not possible, we will not argue in front of him.
The communication in the couple plays a very important role at this point, because we adults must take charge of the problem and agree on how we deal with it. We will share how we feel and what we want for our child.
First of all, it is very important establish some roles. They do not have to occupy roles to which they do not correspond. The way in which our partner intervenes in the education of our child, like everything else, has to be progressive and gradual. We must avoid that it is an invasive intervention. There will be authority on his part but always respecting certain limits, the child may feel invaded in his own home by a person he identifies as a "stranger" and cause rejection. These limits are the ones that we must set and agree on jointly depending on the circumstances.
We must also transmit to our partner the way in which we have raised our son, the methodology and what values we want to transmit, as it must continue to be like us let's choose.
If there is something that we do not like or that does not seem right, it is important to talk with our partner, if on the contrary, we internalize the concerns, we will cause more problems.
A separation or divorce It can be a very difficult time for children and if not handled properly it can be traumatic. Carried out in a respectful way and with a lot of fluid and honest communication, assertiveness, understanding and empathy we can make it more bearable for them.
Acting with common sense, being aware of what we as adults would like or not like, can help us understand what the child is going through. Likewise, to check if the value we are giving to your feelings and to your way of expressing how you feel is the best. Change the focus of our gaze, see beyond.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
