What to do when you LIKE someone and HAVE A PARTNER?

  • Jul 26, 2021
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What to do when you like someone and have a partner

We live in a society that is predominantly immersed in a monogamous culture. This fact sometimes causes us to face dilemmas that can cause us discomfort. One of them arises when we begin to feel attracted to people who have a partner.

Feeling attracted and, much more, falling in love with people who have a relationship with another person can generate unpleasant emotions such as frustration or sadness. In this Psychology-Online article we discuss this issue and how to manage it, so we give you some guidelines on what to do when you like someone and they have a partner.

The way in which we express our attraction or our romantic or sexual interest towards others attends to many individual variables. That is why knowing if someone else likes you can become a difficult task. However, there may be certain signs in his way of relating to you that we expose you below and can help you solve your doubts. It is important that you do not take any of these signals in a decisive, isolated and decontextualized way, since they can lead you to misinterpret the intentions of the other person. How do you know if you are in love with me even if you have a girlfriend?

Non-verbal language

Some of the related variables can be:

  • Eye contact.
  • Manipulation of objects (such as playing with a bracelet) or self-manipulation (such as touching one's hair) during communication. In this article we talk about The importance of hands in non-verbal language.
  • Body posture (it will give you information on whether it is relaxed or relaxed, if it is uncomfortable or uncomfortable, etc.)
  • Distance and physical contact.

Type of contact you maintain

Pay attention to the moments when he seeks to have contact with you (if he only does it when his partner is not in front of him, it can make you suspicious of his intentions), who is looking for whom, etc.

What are you talking about

The content of your conversations will be crucial if he likes you: if a lot of compliments and compliments would appear in it, he constantly tries to like you, know things about yourself, etc.

Physiological changes

It is a group of variables that are difficult to identify, but keep in mind that when you are close you can have changes such as increased heart rate, changes in skin conductance, or increased pupillary.

In this article, you can see several signs that someone likes you through their messages.

Robert Stenberg proposes his theory of love in the form of a triangle. At each of its angles there would be a component:

  • Privacy: it would be what we popularly call trust.
  • Commitment: which would determine the stability of the relationship.
  • Passion: it would correspond to the physical or sexual attraction for the other person.

If the other person likes you, the component of passion must be present. If you only find commitment and intimacy, he will probably consider you a friendship. How to know if you like someone or is it just friendship? Here you will find 25 keys to know if you really like someone.

If by "fooling around" we mean flirting, then we are wondering why that person, even having a partner, shows a certain romantic or sexual interest towards us. The boy / girl I like has a girlfriend, but he's fooling around with me, why?

There may be many reasons why the answer is not going to be easy to answer. If you perceive that the person is flirting with you, then he is interested in you. Now, what kind of interest? We offer you some possibilities that you can reflect on and that might make you think about the answer to your question.

Has an open relationship

In this type of relationship, the two members of the couple agree on the possibility of having sex outside of one's partner, that is, the person who is fooling around with you is not in a relationship monogamous.

His interest may be purely sexual

In an open relationship or not, he may just be looking for a sexual encounter with you. In Stenberg's theory cited above, you would only find the passion component and there would be no intimacy or commitment.

You are not having a good time with your partner

In relationships there can be complicated and stressful moments: financial difficulties, motherhood and recent fatherhood (especially if they are first-time or first-time), sexual problems, etc. Maybe the person you like and have a partner is going through a bad time and this can interfere with the commitment they have with their partner.

Another aspect that you can keep in mind is that he may be trying to make his partner jealous of you, which could appear even more likely in a moment of couple crisis.

Is a person with histrionic or narcissistic features

It is possible that that person you like simply "wants to like you" and wants nothing more than that. The features histrionic (in which the person continually seeks to be the center of attention and also uses physical appearance and a seductive character for this) or narcissists (in which the person has a great need for admiration) could also explain why you are perceiving that the person you like is flirting with you.

Is in love or in love with you

This is also a possibility that you should consider, although you should not lose sight of the rest of the options that we are discussing. Be careful with this option, which will be the one you want the most and you can establish cognitive biases and interpret their actions based on your wishes in the form of a "self-fulfilling prophecy".

She is not in love or in love with her partner but there are ties that bind them

Maybe not even the couple is going through a bad time, they are simply no longer in love and continue to be a couple because there are elements that unite them such as financial problems, children or any circumstance that makes them value more positively continuing to form the couple than separating, regardless of their feelings.

Therefore, even if they continue to form a couple, they will no longer have a commitment of fidelity between them and this may lead them to seek new partners and / or sexual relationships.

This decision concerns only you. Although we cannot tell you what to do and what decision to make, we can guide you through the process of solving your problem and making the best decision by following four steps.

Step 1: analyze the situation

The first thing you should do is assess and analyze the situation. To do this, we invite you to reflect on the following sections:

  • Your emotional state. If the situation causes you discomfort (anxiety, sadness, etc.), you should consider taking distance from the person you like, trying to avoid physical or telephone contact.
  • What are your preferences. Think about what you expect from the situation (having a relationship with this person, having sporadic sexual contact, etc.) and if all of this is viable. Also think about what you are willing or willing to do, for example: Would you have a sexual relationship with him or her knowing that your relationship is not going to end?
  • What kind of relationship does the other person have with their partner. The situation would not be the same if it is a happily married person, with a life project with another person, to be an open couple.
  • What does the other person expect from you. Think or find out what the person you like wants: if he wants to end his relationship and start another relationship with you, if he just likes to flirt, etc.

Step 2: brainstorm what you can do

Once the situation has been analyzed, you should think about what decisions you can make: share with the other person your feelings, say nothing and settle the story, wait for a certain moment, etc.

Step 3: assess the consequences of each decision and choose an option

The third step would be to assess the consequences that your decision will have. It is not the same to declare yourself to someone who flirts with you as to someone who has not shown interest in you. In the same way, it is not the same to declare yourself to your relative's partner than to a colleague or co-worker.

Now assess the consequences of each of them and choose the one with the best consequences or the one with the least negative consequences.

Step 4: be consistent with your decision

Finally execute your decision and be consistent with it.

One of the possibilities is to keep a distance with the person you like. This is an alternative that will cost you to choose, since in the short term it can generate anxiety and enormous frustration. Some tips for when you like someone and you can't have a relationship with that person:

  • Try to do pleasant activities that compensate for this discomfort.
  • Put relaxation techniques in place.
  • Stay busy or busy.
  • Restrict physical and / or phone contacts as much as you can with him or her.
  • Keep in mind the benefits that your decision will generate in the medium and long term.
  • Above all, be consistent with your decision.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

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