How to Get Over a MARRIAGE CRISIS

During the moments before and after a marital crisis, multiple feelings and emotions arise, which, due to their intensity, they are difficult to handle: sadness, pain, anger, frustration, insecurity, discomfort, confusion, etc. In these moments, it is very frequent that for the people involved, reality takes a dichotomous value: all or nothing, always or never, bad or good, etc. All this makes it difficult to assess what happened, communicate with the other person, the position of both and the path to take. However, a crisis does not have to unequivocally lead to a breakup, and can be reformulated as an opportunity to grow personally and progress as a couple. In Psychology-Online we tell you more about how to overcome a marriage crisis.

Index

1. Causes of the marriage crisis
2. Couple crisis: stages
3. How to get over a marriage crisis
4. How to overcome a marital crisis due to infidelity
5. How to improve my marriage

To find a solution to any conflict, it is important to know the causes of the problem. This also occurs in couples' crises, in which it is essential to have a clear understanding of what has happened. To do this, below we list the main causes of marital crisis:

• Communication problems.
• Substance use by one or both members of the couple: alcohol, tobacco, drugs.
• Infidelity.
• Different expectations regarding the partner and the relationship.
• Angry and badly managed fights.
• Not supporting or not feeling the support of the partner in important matters.
• Show no affection or attention.
• Lack of trust and lies.
• Financial matters.
• Narcissistic traits and presence of emotional abuse.
• Jealousy problems.
• Distance, stagnation, boredom.
• Marriage crisis due to in-laws.

The stages that a couple in crisis go through are very similar to those of grief, that is, the process of emotional adaptation that occurs after a significant loss. As a consequence, the person who experiences it may experience feelings of intense sadness and despondency, despair, loss of appetite, etc. This is because a crisis, for any of the above reasons or others not mentioned, represents a turning point in that the rules, implicit or explicit, up to now no longer work and a substantial change in the rules is necessary. themselves. If this process is not carried out properly, it can lead to the breakdown of the relationship, which indicates its importance to us. The stages that a couple in crisis goes through are the following:

1. Emotional shock In this first stage the person does not quite believe what is happening. It is characterized by the shock and confusion immediately after the crisis, which produces a blockage in the person, being disoriented and incredulous.
2. Denial. In this phase, the person is not able to assimilate and accept the existence of the problem. Thoughts like "this can't be true", "there must be some mistake", etc. predominate. to avoid emotional pain.
3. Negotiation. This stage is closely linked to the previous one, since the person still does not accept the existence of a crisis in her relationship, so she is willing to do anything to avoid it. This moment is characterized by a marked emotionality, in which the person tends not to behave logically and may even lose control.
4. Go to. Although anger, rage, frustration, and anger are often labeled as negative emotionsIt is important to keep in mind that they have their function; and this phase is important because in it the problem is made aware, so that the person begins to noticing reprehensible actions on the part of the couple, what has happened and the subjective feeling of lost.
5. Sadness. It is a painful but necessary experience to evolve in the recovery process, both personal and marital.
6. Acceptance. At this stage, people begin to assimilate what happened, so that it is possible to change the focus, which was located in the painful situations of the past, and begin to redirect it towards the future.
7. Readaptation to the new reality. Whether there is a readjustment of the couple, or if the crisis has led to the breakdown of the relationship, at this stage there is a transformation in the lives of the women. people, where more attention is paid to needs, there is a greater sense of control over situations and more actively intervenes in decision-making. decisions.

Once we are clear about the cause of the problem and the stages it is going through, the next step would be how to save a marriage in crisis. Next, we list 10 tips for couples in marital crisis:

1. Do not pretend to go back to the past Or act like nothing happened. Many people who come to therapy express the wish that things were the same as before; However, this is not possible, life is evolution and time only goes forward, not backward. This is not necessarily negative. The environment is changing, and with it, we. And these readjustments help us evolve and progress. Obstacles can be reformulated as triggers or drivers to produce positive changes that can strengthen the couple
2. Accept that change takes time. Very often, especially in the case of men, when given certain indications about emotional expression, they may even try energetically. However, a week later they return to therapy with a feeling of failure, with phrases like “I tried to tell my partner that I was sad and he told me not to be so whiny”. At this time, it is important to be clear that a safe environment must be created, where it is possible to show vulnerability without fear of being rejected; and that takes time. If we want a change to be sustained in the long term, it will take time and we will have to arm yourself with patience.
3. Focus on the present and look to the future. Try to put the past behind you. Constantly reminiscing about old quarrels or taking out the "dirty laundry" of the past, not only is useless, but also awakens bad feelings. Focusing on the future makes the goal constructive.
4. Look at the other side of the coin. If your partner does not communicate with you, it is possible that you attribute it to indifference towards you and the relationship. However, ask yourself if there is an alternative explanation. Is it possible that your silence is the way to represent pain and disappointment? Is your partner an insensitive person or is it his way of avoiding conflict?
5. Nip negative interactions in the bud: criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, sarcastic comments, etc. Nobody likes to be told that they are doing things wrong or, what is worse, that they are a bad person. With this type of comments, you will only get your partner to get defensive and look for arguments to refute yours, which will perpetuate this dynamic and contaminate the positive parts of your relationship.
6. Learn to express concerns constructively. The previous point does not mean, in any case, that you have to agree with everything that your partner does and says, or that you are afraid to express your wishes. Neither extreme is recommended. Rather, it is a question of rephrasing a criticism in the form of a petition. Thus, instead of saying to your partner "I'm sick of you yelling at me", it would be more appropriate to express the following: "I like it when you say things to me without raising your voice and we can discuss calmly. You will find more information about it in the following article: Techniques to develop assertiveness.
7. The problems, one at a time. Many people make the mistake of trying to cover everything at once, or of taking advantage of one topic to bring up another that was not addressed at the time. Do not mix situations or conflicts, focus on one at a time, or none will be solved.
8. Try to be as specific as possible. That is, avoid articulating phrases in a vague and general way, such as: “You could do more things at home”. It is more appropriate to formulate concrete and specific sentences, such as: “I would like you to take care of setting the table on Saturdays, so I could take the dog out”.
9. Learn to make decisions cooperatively, no trying to get away with it. Thus, the approach we take is that of "win-win", in which a satisfactory action plan is drawn up for both parties. After a conflict there are neither winners nor losers, since the result pleases both.
10. Exponentially increases positive energy in the couple. Through his research, Gottman found that marriages generally survive if the ratio of positive interactions is 5 to 1. Do you want your marriage to just survive? Or do you prefer to save the marriage in a way that makes it prosper? Smile more. Play more. Hug more. More timeshares and shared projects. More appreciation and affection. More praise and gratitude.

Infidelity is one of the most cited reasons marriages end. However, it doesn't have to unequivocally spell the end of a relationship and you can work towards saving the marriage in 3 phases. Here's how to get over an infidelity marriage crisis:

1. Crisis. The discovery of an infidelity on the part of the partner causes devastating pain, so it is important to pay attention to what it is that needs more urgent attention. At this critical moment, it is necessary to foster a safe environment without prejudice for the intensity of emotions. Peace of mind, clarity and structure are needed, as well as hope.
2. Construction of meaning. At this stage, it is a question of delving into why the adventure happened, what factors of the relationship contributed to its happening, what role both parties played in the story, and external factors that influenced.
3. Vision and construction of the future. The couple must ask themselves what awaits them together, if after the previous process they have decided that they want to rebuild their relationship. It is at this time when it is essential that the couple review what it means for them to forgive and move on, the potential benefits and costs of forgiving, assessing potential resistances, and exploring the direction your relationship.

Couples who have problems or who feel that their marriage cannot be repaired can improve it. While for some this may seem impossible, relationships can change. The way we behave, how we think about our partner, or how we think a marriage is supposed to be are variables that influence marital satisfaction. All of them are variables over which we can exercise control.

So when you feel overwhelmed, make a deliberate effort to calm yourself. This strategy helps you stop being on the defensive, which prevents unproductive fights that undermine the relationship. Letting your spouse know that you understand them is also one of the most powerful tools for foster positive feelings in your relationship. It is an antidote to criticism, contempt and defensiveness. Instead of attacking or ignoring your partner's point of view, try to see the problem from their point of view, which may have the same validity as yours. It is also important to address and adjust expectations we have in terms of our partner and relationships in general.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to How to get over a marriage crisis, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.

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• Gottman, J. M. (2008). Gottman method couple therapy. Clinical handbook of couple therapy, 4(8), 138-164.
• Heitler, S. M. (1997). The power of two: Secrets to a strong & loving marriage. New Harbinger Publications.
• Pascale, R., & Primavera, L. H. (2016). Making Marriage Work: Avoiding the Pitfalls and Achieving Success. Rowman & Littlefield.