Maybe, after reading our article to know whether or not to continue with a relationship, you have realized that your partner does not give you what you want. If this person does not improve your life and does not let you develop as a person, if you suffer from the relationship and you do not feel good in it, perhaps it is time to make the decision to leave it. But at this point many doubts arise: how do I tell them, how are they going to take it, what am I going to do alone... and, above all, an important fear arises: the fear of suffering and making that person we have loved so much suffer.
Therefore, in this Psychology-Online article we explain how to leave your partner without hurting and without suffering. This writing aims to be a practical and simple guide with the steps to follow and the essential tips that you will appreciate knowing if you find yourself facing a break with your partner.
Index
- How to end a relationship without hurting and without suffering
- How to leave your partner: 10 essential steps
- How to Grieve After a Breakup
- Tips for dealing with a breakup
How to end a relationship without hurting and without suffering.
Once love is over and you want to end the relationship, the main goal is to do no more harm, not between you or third parties. A breakup is not a war. Think that in complicated situations is when the goodness of people is really shown.
To proceed to leave a relationship it is essential to do so assertively, that is, respecting the other person but also respecting your decision. First of all, it is necessary that you are sure of your decision and that you feel prepared to carry it out. If not, go to a psychology professional to help you empower yourself.
Next, you must inform your partner of your decision. At this point, it is important not to find guilty or reproach, as they only contribute to increasing pain. It is advisable to leave all the issues in common closed, say goodbye and cut off contact.
It is important to know that every breakup implies a loss and many changes. It is normal and logical that it hurts, it is totally normal to have a bad time and feel sadness, frustration, anger, overwhelm, nerves... as well as it is common to feel lost and have doubts. Having the expectation that the breakup will not affect you and that there will be no bad moments is counterproductive, because it is most likely unreal and that you are deceiving yourself. However, we can approach the situation in the healthiest and most respectful way possible to minimize the damage and not suffer too much. In the next section you will see the steps to follow to leave your partner in a less painful way.
How to leave your partner: 10 essential steps.
In a breakup you have a bad time. But you can avoid complicating the situation and suffering more if you know how to leave your partner without hurting him. These are the 10 steps to follow:
1. Accept that love can end
Love evolves with relationship, just as people grow, develop, and change. Love can always end. Even when a relationship is going great, keep in mind that there are never guarantees that love will last forever. In fact, although it is possible, it is the most unlikely. Therefore, the most adaptive thing is that you are realistic and aware that love can end and that in this scenario the best performance is to leave the relationship.
2. Be grateful for everything shared
Give thanks for everything the relationship has brought you. Surely you have had very happy moments and that thanks to the relationship you have been able to have experiences and learnings that have helped you to develop as a person.
3. Think about everything you have learned
When a relationship ends, it does not mean that the time that it has lasted has been wasted. The important thing about relationships is not how long they last, but what they add to our lives. Surely from the experiences with that person you get a great learning, both from relationships and from yourself.
4. Prepare yourself emotionally
It is important that before leaving the relationship you feel convinced and prepared. That means work your self-esteem and emotional management to be able to face the breakup in the healthiest and most mature way possible.
5. Let your partner know that you do not want to continue the relationship
Assertively explain that you have made the determination to leave the relationship, tell them why and how you feel. Always speaking from your point of view and from your feelings. Here you can see what is assertiveness and examples.
Above all and above all: be respectful. You must treat the other person with respect and honesty. Do not let emotions take over you and lead you to perform actions that you know do not go with you or your values and that later, when you look back, will make you regret it. Even if there is no love, even if there has been a lot of suffering, think that every human being deserves to be treated with dignity and respect for the simple fact of being a person, regardless of how the relationship went.
The lack of respect and the bad treatment on their part does not justify that you can also do it, if the relationship makes you suffer, walk away. But always with respect and acting according to your values and beliefs. Well, that is precisely what will lead you to peace and well-being with yourself.
6. Thank you for the time together
Even if the relationship ends, even if there has been a lot of pain, if you have something to thank that person, do it. Gratitude will help you connect with what has made you feel good and will help you make sense of the relationship. This exercise will make it easier for you to position yourself differently, with an attitude that will help you to leave the relationship in the past in peace with yourself and with the other person.
7. Do not look guilty
It is easy to blame the other person, it costs more to take responsibility. Yet when love ends It is nobody's fault. In addition, the responsibility of caring for the relationship rests with both members equally. In any case, the time to analyze the actions and assume the responsibilities has already passed. If you have already made the decision to end the relationship, it is not worth commenting on negative aspects. Try to avoid reproaches that will cause unnecessary arguments and pain.
8. Forgive him and forgive yourself
All people make mistakes, surely many have been made during the relationship. No one is perfect nor are we born taught, little by little we learn and improve.
- Forgive him. It is not for him or her, it is for yourself. The resentment will continue to unite you to that person and what you are looking for with the break is precisely to disassociate yourself. Revenge will not make you feel better in the long run, on the contrary, if you do things that you do not consider correct, in the future you will not feel proud.
- Forgive yourself You are human, you can be wrong. Each and every one of us sometimes acts inappropriately. The important thing is knowing how to apologize and learn from mistakes. Always think that the past cannot be changed but can be used to grow. In this article you will find more information about how to learn to forgive.
9. Say goodbye and close the loop
If you are sure that ending the relationship is what you want, it is important to put a full stop. To do this, you must leave the topics you have in common closed. Depending on what that means in your case, it will be a more or less long and painful process. My advice at this point is that, if things get complicated, go to the professionals that are necessary (lawyers, psychologists, mediators, etc.).
10. Cut the contact
It is necessary that the rupture is clear to begin to carry out the duel. As many experts in couples therapy claim, the best way to end a relationship is by applying zero contact. To do this, you must explain to the other person that communication on your part is going to end and that you hope that on her part too, since it is for the good of both parties. Start by emptying your physical spaces of all those objects that make you think about the relationship and continue with your mobile phone: photos, social networks ...
How to grieve after a breakup.
Grief is the process of adjusting after a loss and usually lasts a year, usually. Each duel is unique and will depend on the characteristics of the person, the relationship and the breakup. The most important thing at this point is that you allow yourself to feel what you feel. It is completely normal that you feel discomfort, pain, sadness, anger, emptiness, apathy, frustration,... Whatever you feel, it's normal and is part of the adaptation phase.
It is important that you know that grief is an active process, in which you must be involved. It is essential to listen to your emotions and feelings, accept them and express them appropriately. To do this, a highly recommended exercise is to write a letter or speak with trusted people.
There must also be moments of disconnection, that is, it's about finding the balance between not avoiding emotions, but not letting them invade you, settle in you and incapacitate you. Remember that emotions pass through you with a function. Sadness, for example, which is the most common emotion after a loss, leaves us without energy to stop to reflect and assimilate what has happened before taking action.
For all this, professional accompaniment would be ideal. Will teach you to manage emotions, to know yourself and to relate to others from the assertiveness, thus building healthier and more beneficial relationships.
Tips for dealing with a breakup.
It is worth mentioning that each person is different and that we cannot know what will be best in each case. Here are the top 10 most important general tips to keep in mind when leaving a relationship.
1. Avoid contact
The best thing for both people is the contact 0. It is normal that you feel a strong urge to reconnect, that is because resistance to change is strong. It is easier to stay in the comfort zone, in the bad but known, than to jump into the unknown. However, if you want to bet on your well-being and your personal development, it will be necessary for you to face the fear of the unknown.
The best is that:
- Don't talk to that person
- Do not follow him on social networks
- Don't look for information about him or her
- Do not ask mutual friends about him or her
- Do not have properties in common or matters that unite you
- Do not have any type of contact
The exception is the case of having children in common. In that case, there must be contact, but it must be limited to the minimum necessary for the care of infants and not used as an excuse. If this is your case, in the following article we address how to manage separation when there are children.
It is normal that at first you feel like knowing that person, it can be difficult not to contact him, and more so now that there are so many facilities with social networks. However, it is advisable to avoid physical, telephone and online contact.
2. Trust yourself
If you have decided to leave the relationship, it is because you had your reasons. Trust your criteria and be firm in your decision.
In case you have not made the decision to end the relationship, you must assume that you cannot have a relationship with a person who does not want to be with you. Trust yourself, your strengths and your abilities to overcome this situation and emerge stronger or stronger from it.
3. Rediscover yourself or yourself
Usually, after getting very involved in a relationship, especially in toxic and painful relationships, the person has lost part of their identity. Many times, the exaggerated effort and dedication that goes into "making" a toxic relationship work causes you to forget about yourself more and more. Now is the time to think about yourself and recover. Take up old hobbies, friendships, or habits. As well as you can also search and create new ones. It is about spending time with you, experimenting and discovering how you are in new facets of this new stage. Learning and enjoying your own company.
4. Do not get carried away by specific states
It is normal that in some moments melancholy invades you and you want to establish contact with your ex-partner. But remember that the brain tends to retain good memories more than bad memories, so your current view of the relationship is skewed.
5. Not force you to forget
Has the relationship lasted more or less, if you are here it is because it has been important to you. So it will remain in your memory as part of your life. The goal is not to forget it, but to remember it in a healthy way: from time to time and in a non-painful way.
When the break is recent, it is normal to remember it very often and painfully. The goal is not to forget it, but focus your attention on other things. When a memory or thought related to the relationship comes to your head, we can not get carried away by him and consciously direct attention to another matter, to the task at hand or to the moment Present. For this, it is great learn mindfulness.
6. Allow yourself to be wrong
If you have just left your partner, it is likely that you are going through a complicated situation, of changes and emotional pain for the loss. It is normal that you feel sad and nothing happens. Emotions are part of you and to manage them they must be listened to and accepted.
Understand and take care of yourself. It is very important that you listen to yourself and treat yourself with kindness, and that you don't force yourself to be okay when you are not. Your mood will improve as you go through the grieving process.
7. Support you in other people
It is estimated that there are approximately 3 stable relationships in life, on average. So you're not a "freak." Most of the people around you will have experienced breakups or other painful situations and will be able to understand your discomfort. Do not be afraid to open up and remember that being strong is not hiding your emotions, being strong is being able to show yourself vulnerable. Let yourself be helped by your trusted people.
8. Avoid aggravating the problem
It is important not take refuge in alcohol, drugs, shopping, games, sex ... They are patches that can relieve emotional pain and help you escape, but be careful because they are not effective in the long term and can cause an addiction problem. Emotions must be managed and not avoided.
9. Do not start another relationship without having gone through the grieving process
It is not advisable to start another relationship without having gone through the grieving process of the previous relationship. It is another form of patch. You try to avoid pain and fear of loneliness through another partner. The problem is that this way you will not learn to manage your emotions, to adapt yourself to the situation or face your fears. What you will achieve is to choose another partner in a hurry, without having had time to learn from the previous relationship, and put your well-being in the hands of another person, laying the foundation for a relationship of dependence. For all this, hooking one relationship with another is a mistake.
10. Keep believing in love
Another mistake often made is blaming love. After suffering in a relationship, it is normal for you to say that you do not want to fall in love again and that you do not believe in love. You are hurt, frustrated and angry at all the discomfort you feel. However, this discomfort is not caused by love, but by lack of love.
Saying that you never want to have a relationship because it can end and have a bad time is like saying that you don't want to live because one day you're going to die. Relationships can end, yes, but they can also bring you endless positive things. Is about enjoy love while it is healthy and learn to end the relationship when it causes suffering.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to How to leave your partner without hurting him, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.
Bibliography
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- Palenciano, P., & Larreynaga, I. (2017). If it's love, it doesn't hurt.
- Riso, W. (2003). To love or to depend?: How to overcome emotional attachment and make love a full and healthy experience. Editorial Norma.
- Riso, W. (2003). Learning to love yourself. Norma publisher.
- Congost, S. (2011). Affective emotional dependence manual.
- Congost, S. (2013). When to love too much is to depend. Oniro.
- Villanueva, L. (2001). Some considerations for evidence-based couples therapy. Of families and therapies, 9(14), 7-30.
