Why we are still in a toxic relationship

It is undeniable that it causes us a lot of pain break up of a relationship, and it hurts even more if the person who decides to break up is the other person. I will not be referring in this article to the separation by death, because although it is a rupture it is still painful, is not usually conceived as an abandonment, in any case, an involuntary abandonment, and in that we can find a certain comfort. We will refer to the break when someone decides to abandon us voluntarily. In this Psychology-Online article, we are going to answer the question of why we are still in a toxic relationship.

Index

1. The main causes why we remain in a toxic relationship
2. The fear of loneliness, one of the most common causes
3. Fear of loss
4. How to tell if a function is not working
5. Getting over a toxic relationship after the breakup
6. Why is it hard to forget a toxic relationship
7. Leaving a toxic relationship and entering another relationship: NO
8. Loving yourself to get out of a toxic relationship
9. How to get over a breakup in a healthy way

All rupture implies a loss and when I speak of loss I am referring to the loss of some habits. Takes over us fear of change, we feel insecure in some way. The formation of habits is a valuable adaptation mechanism that speeds up our lives. The stereotypes that shape our behavior allow us to buy time and focus on the more complex activities that require the use of our thinking.

When a situation gets in the way of the behavioral stereotype, a anxiety burden that makes us feel uncomfortable, annoying. In this sense, when a relationship ends, many things tend to change in our life, coexistence habits are broken, from the most radical, which is usually changing the place of residence, to any other habit, such as sleeping in another bed, not sharing a breakfast, or not watching TV together.

It is logical that this situation destabilize us for a while and even lead to depression. But what happens if we continue in an unhealthy relationship or cling to a person who does not love us, without accepting a break that seems definitive?

The relationship may not have been long enough to form many living habits; even so, what I will expose is equally valid for any breakup, regardless of the time or age of the members of the couple. I can even affirm that, capriciously clinging to a relationship that does not work, does not depend directly on the time lived together or on the age, as we will see later.

If you want to know why we are still in a toxic relationship, we have to do an exercise in introspection and sincerity. One of the reasons why we do not end the relationship may be that we have fear to loneliness.

When our partner proposes us to finish, the fear of loneliness assails us, to not have someone to protect us, to lose what "belongs to us." These are basic or primary needs, which arise shortly after birth and which constitute the basis on which the child's self-awareness is based. They are needs for security or protection and for social affiliation or acceptance (affection, belonging and friendship). These needs must be met by the parents, other adults close to the child and, lastly, by other children. The child is defenseless and, therefore, he needs someone to take care of him, protect him, while at the same time giving him affection, accepting him and giving him a preferential place within the family group.

During the first two years of life, The boy is fused with its environment, as if he were one with his surroundings, including the objects to which he has access and feels that they belong to him. The child cannot get rid of his toys, separate from his mother, go out to unknown places, because this generates great anxiety. In a world that is still strange to him and in which he cannot recognize himself as someone different, an idea of ​​it begins to form through what is closest to him. It is not until three years old that begins to be perceived as a independent entity, with its own needs and qualities, and requires a different type of treatment. Self-esteem begins to form in the child, spontaneously, from the evaluations of others. The child first becomes aware of the other, and only later does he become aware of himself. That is why it is very important for him, at this stage, the recognition and approval of others.

Between the four and six years old, the boy make up your own identity from the things, people and situations around him: "This is mine", "This is me", "My family is like this", and so on. This is giving a social status to the child, insofar as he exists psychologically, in relation to others. As his position is consolidated and his self-esteem grows stronger, the child begins to develop, between six to twelve years, skills to solve life problems rationally and effectively, allowing greater adaptation and independence.

It is to be expected that from the adolescence, a healthy self-esteem, allows him to pass to the stage of what the American psychologist G. Allport, effort or own fight, where it will be suitable to propose goals, ideals, plans, vocations and demands. The culmination of one's own struggle would be, according to this author, the ability to say "I am the owner of my own life" (1).

Any difficulty in the maturation of the ego keeps the person fixed in infantile stages, looking for substitutes for the first father figures, to satisfy the needs of protection and acceptance, which has not yet been transcended. Of course, the person is not guilty of this lack of psychological maturity, which depends, fundamentally, on factors educational, whose origins are in the lack of psychological resources that adults have to deal with these first needs of the child. Overprotective, authoritarian, rejecting, repressive, humiliating atmospheres, are forming the nucleus unaware of the lifestyle of an insecure, dependent future adult, who identifies affection with possession.

Is need to recognize themselves through the other, places the person in a primary stage of self-esteem. Being in a couple we identify with the other person, as a compensatory or defense mechanism of the self. It is what is known in Psychology as projection. We project onto the other our positive and negative qualities, our wants and needs, and even our guilt and shame. Of course, projection occurs when we have not managed to mature emotionally, when we insist on remaining hidden behind a "mask" that prevents access to our true self. When we want another to assume for us what we are and we are not willing to accept. When we hold the other responsible for our behavior.

Another reason why we remain in a toxic relationship is usually fear of loss. We identify with what we have, with what we think we possess, like the child before the age of three. Your concrete thinking prevents you from generalizing. It is difficult for the child to detach himself from his surroundings because in this he finds his own identity. It is a natural egocentricity for early childhood, but archaic for adulthood. He also called this phenomenon S. Freud, fixation.

Thus, one of the ideas that I propose in this article is that the reason we do not accept a breakup and cling to an unhealthy relationship is stay emotionally childish. In Psychology, this behavior has been identified as the Peter Pan syndrome or the person who never grows up. Not wanting to let go implies a need to protect oneself from insecurity, fear of not being loved or accepted, an identification with external factors, an extension of our self in others.

Until we evolve to higher needs, we will continue to make the satisfaction of needs depend on others. basic psychological, namely, protection, belonging and self-esteem, according to the pyramid of needs proposed by the psychologist humanist A. Maslow.

Now that you know why we are still in a toxic relationship, it is important that we analyze the moment in which we have to realize that, indeed, the relationship is going bad.

Some time ago she was reading a self-help book titled "If he's broke, don't fix it," of the Behrendt spouses, advisers of the North American series Sex in New York (2). The book has a very suggestive title, as it urges you to abandon the hopes of returning, after a couple breakup. People make up a whole series of justifications, excuses to avoid assuming change projects personal, so as not to accept that when someone decides to break up, they have had enough time to think about it then something has stopped working, or never worked. The illusion that something can become different makes a very frustrating reconquest plan be drawn up, placing him in a rather unworthy and humiliating situation. We besiege the person, we cry, we beg for them to come back, in the secret hope that the decision made by the other will be reconsidered.

A relationship doesn't work when one of the two, or both, loses motivation to continue together. It leads us to a breakup or separation for whatever reason, no matter what the argument is used. Remember that a relationship involves communication between two people. Both must respond to the need for exchange. If one of the two is not motivated to that exchange, the relationship stops making sense, it stops having a future. If either of the two no longer wishes to be together, it is better to continue the journey separately. Says Osho: “Love is like a breeze. Suddenly it comes. If it's there, it's there. Suddenly it is gone. And when it's gone, it's gone. Love is a mystery, you cannot manipulate it. " (3)

In the article I titled "Why can't we be happy?", expressed that the affective relationship that we establish with our parents in childhood marks our future life (4). For this reason, we tend to look for partners who are going to reproduce the way we communicate and satisfy the needs of our childhood. In this article I propose that when someone tends to fall in love with people who end up despising, abandoning or being unfaithful, it is because a connection is established, at an unconscious level, that abandonment is a way of expressing the love.

For example, if we were abandoned children or rejected by our parents, a defense mechanism arises against the need for acceptance and affection. The child needs to feel that his parents love him, therefore, the feeling of abandonment comes to be interpreted as a form of love. It incorporates the belief that the person who abandons him, deep down loves him. This idea can lead to not accepting the breakup as an expression that love is over. On the contrary, it becomes an excuse to harbor false hopes. The person feels "loved" in this way, and insists on fostering a false well-being.

Some self-help books focus on giving practical recommendations for overcoming the breakup, without giving very deep psychological explanations. If we delve into the mechanisms that lead the person to act in this way, we can facilitate awareness of the why this addictive behavior occurs, instead of reinforcing compensatory mechanisms, which lead the person to continue deceived, without exceeding this stage.

Some of the commonly offered recommendations for "Overcome" the effects of the break They are: "You deserved someone better", "That relationship was not worth it, you are worth much more", "After a while it will pass", "You will always find someone be willing to really love yourself ”,“ don't call or look for your ex partner for a while, keep your own love ”,“ you must learn to love yourself same". All these insights, although they are intended to increase the self-esteem and security of the person, are not aimed at strengthening these processes, but, on the contrary, reinforce the old mechanisms that today keep the person attached to the relationship that just.

I don't think that claiming that the ex was not worth it, and that we are worth much more than her, or that we should give ourselves our place, strengthens self-esteem. Placing ourselves in a false place of superiority is a way of reinforcing the mechanism that led to inadequate self-esteem. Both the underestimation as the overvaluation They are pathological forms of self-esteem.

It is a very common mistake of parents to encourage comparison and competition in their children as a way to strengthen their self-esteem. Instilling in him the belief that he cannot lose, demanding that he be the best, that he be the one with the most, that he cannot be wrong, seriously affects the child's self-esteem. That way he will stay fixed in those early stages of childhood.

Feel superior is synonymous with that self esteem is low. This may seem like an apparent contradiction. Having a healthy self-esteem does not need comparisons, the positive aspects of the personality and also the limitations are assumed, without the need to blame anyone for failure. He takes responsibility for mistakes and sets out to overcome them. Having a healthy self-esteem implies taking responsibility for what we are, feel and do.

Therefore, to think that if someone decides to break up with you it is because it was not worth it, it is a self-deception, it is a false consolation, which will only lead us to feed resentment, contempt and lead us down a wrong path again. He is not better or worse than us, he is simply another person, who can be equally valuable, who has made the decision to change his life, without us being present. It is not our property.

Crying, begging, running after the person who rejects you, regardless of the consequences, can seem like a show of love. Yet really, is he doing it out of love? No, simply because it costs him to lose. The ego resists rejection. It is a way to stay obsessed with yourself.

The cycle can be repeated over and over again. It is not that that person has broken your heart because you love him too much, it is that he has felt like a loser and that is what really hurts him. They taught us to compete. Always wanting to be the best is an insatiable need for acceptance.

Traditional education prepares us for a competitive world, but it does not prepare us to be ourselves. It imposes models to which we should resemble or surpass them, but it does not accept us as we are.

Instead of focusing on assessing whether you are defeated or victorious in a love affair, you should ask yourself how many learnings he obtained from that relationship, how intensely he lived it, how much well-being we provoke to the other person, how authentic he allowed to be. In the end, if he realizes that he remained hidden behind his ego, in constant competition to impose the reason and counting what he seemed to have given, in truth he is a loser, yes, but of his weather.

The love relationship is not a transaction in which we calculate “debits and credits”. Have you noticed how sports matches usually end? The participants greet each other, hug each other and even exchange T-shirts. The others may be victorious, but sportsmanship prevails where the important thing is to play. In a relationship the important thing is to love.

Wayne Dyer, in his book Your wrong areas He argues that to overcome the dominance of the ego and vanity one must free yourself from the need to win. “If the body does not give up to win that day, it does not matter, if you do not identify exclusively with your ego. Take on the role of an observer, watch and enjoy it all without needing to win a trophy. Live in peace. Ironically, even if you hardly notice it, more victories will emerge in your life as you stop chasing after them ”(5).

Give everything and keep nothing, this is possible when the person is fully self-actualized. When we know what we want, we are fully satisfied, we have confidence in our resources and we defend our projects, we are that beautiful person whom everyone admires and respects. If someone can't appreciate it, we shouldn't be concerned. Your appreciation will not be necessary for us to unfold our full potential.

One of the most commonly heard recommendations is to try to get over a breakup by looking for a surrogate partner. Creating the expectation for the abandoned person that they will find another partner later, is reinforce the idea that you cannot achieve what you want on your own. Someone should always appear to assume the role of protector, to help him not to be alone. In this way, he will continue to be a child, without resources to solve problems by himself, set goals, meet his demands, that is, without being the owner of his own life.

Remember that the relationship we are trying to overcome is also a substitute for an initial relationship with our parents. It is not about forming a chain of substitutions, it is about raising awareness, do not shy away from encountering ourselves, without masks that hide our true nature.

Clinging to the other as a support, to give meaning to his life, is to make him responsible for what he should do for himself. Holding someone else responsible for his life is a sign that he does not know who he is and what he really wants. Develop the ability to "find oneself", know what we are looking for, work on our vocation, decide for themselves our life to find the solution to problems, by oneself, without abiding by the decision of others, is to reach maturity psychic. Assuming freedom of choice must be a fundamental characteristic of the human being.

True freedom cannot be experienced until you learn to dominate the ego. The ego is nothing more than a reflection of what others see in you. Transcending it means not needing the other to know who we are, what we need and how we can achieve what we set out to do.

It's not about ignoring mistakes, justifying whims, putting needs ahead of others, and becoming a narcissist. Loving yourself is take responsibility for our actions, do not be too condescending to yourself, or be too demanding.

Loving yourself is feel complete in solitude, according to Osho. Not needing the other to know who we are. This is called transcending the ego, it is taking off the masks of conditioning. The Hindu sage makes the difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Being lonely is the absence of the other, it is needing the other to feel safe. Loneliness is the presence of oneself, it is finding oneself, it is being aware of who we are (6).

We will only be prepared to live as a couple, if we are willing to learn from her, enrich ourselves emotionally and intellectually with her communication, without lying to her or lying to each other. Directly express our needs, emotions and thoughts, without seeking acceptance and without fear of abandonment. Millions of people remain childish their entire lives. They are adults by chronological age, but they never grow up psychologically. They will always need the other, they will be incapable of giving love. They yearn for it but never get to know it. And it is that love is not required, it is not an obligation, it simply arises and it can also die. Love is synonymous with freedom, is the loss of fear of being oneself.

The first step is propose self-knowledge. The important thing is that we become aware that when we do not overcome a break, our identification is limited and we lack emotional maturity. Don't try to compete, you don't have to be the best. It is enough that you are responsible for your life, that is, begin to become aware of who you are and what you want. Accept your mistakes and learn from them. There is no other way to learn. Remember that you will only achieve personal self-realization when you can decide the direction of your life. You will find the freedom to be yourself. Only then will we put love in everything we do and we can share our beauty, so intensely while we feel it.

If a relationship breaks down, accept that it is over, don't feel bad about it. It is a cycle that has concluded, a stage that has expired. Keep in mind that the greater your pain, it shows that your self-esteem is less healthy, your ego is greater, you are less free and you have less capacity to love. Nothing is permanent. When a person leaves, it is a sign that they no longer need each other. It is an opportunity to find out what happens to us and reconcile with ourselves. It is an opportunity for learn to walk by yourself. Let this be part of a voluntary detachment: by letting go of your partner, you let go of your ego.

This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to Why we are still in a toxic relationship, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.

1. Allport, G. Personality Psychology, Edit. Paidos. Buenos Aires, Argentina, 1965
2. Behrendt G. already. Routola - Behrendt: If it's broken, don't fix it! Editorial Vergara, Barcelona, ​​Spain, 2006.
3. Osho: "The child's book", [email protected]
4. Rodríguez Rebustillo, M. Why can't we be happy? http://www.psicologia-online.com/autoayuda/articulos/2012/por-que-no-podemos-ser-felices.html
5. Dyer, Wayne: Your wrong areas, New Era Rosario Library, Argentina, Promineo Directory,http://www.promineo.gq.nu
6. Osho: "Man and woman: the dance of energies ”, [email protected]