You finally have a wonderful and pleasant relationship. You have found what you have been looking for for a long time and you are doing great with your partner, so much so that you have decided to meet her parents... and then the problems begin: your mother-in-law is unbearable!
Situations like the one I have just described occur frequently, that is why in Psychology-Online we want to talk to you about the toxic and manipulative mothers-in-law.
Index
- Toxic, jealous and envious mother-in-law
- Psychology of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
- Possessive mother-in-law with grandchildren
- Tips for dealing with toxic mothers-in-law
Toxic, jealous and envious mother-in-law.
You've surely heard of toxic people. A few years ago the concept was repeated enough in magazine articles, conferences and there are specific books on the subject; But do you know what a toxic person is?
The toxic people They are those people who bring us negative things. They tend to enhance our weaknesses, frustrate us and
If your mother-in-law influences your partner's decisions, she makes him change his mind at the last minute, she does something you already had spoken, despises you or gets into how you should lead your life, you are before a toxic, jealous, envious and manipulative.
The toxic mothers-in-law are characterized by:
- She thinks you are not enough for her perfect daughter or her wonderful son.
- He believes that your way of doing things is not correct and he lets you know.
- He blames you for the things that go wrong in your relationship.
- Constantly look for your faults.
- He thinks that you do not take enough care of his daughter or son.
- Influence your partner's decisions.
- She becomes jealous that you spend more time with her son or daughter than she does.
Toxic mothers-in-law are usually also toxic mothers. I do not mean that they do not love their children or that they do not want the best for them, but they tend to put their opinions and needs first. It is usual for them to be overprotective, that they raise dependent children and make decisions for them.
This is why your partner may feel in an uncomfortable situation having to choose between his partner or his mother.
Psychology of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
According to surveys, around 35% of Spaniards say they have a good relationship with their in-laws. As we can see, it is not the usual and in fact a bad relationship with mothers-in-law is a motif that is constantly repeated in couple therapy.
Mothers-in-law may feel displaced when they have had a very close relationship with their son or daughter and a person (the couple) appears to distance them. She may feel threatened and also, it is possible that there are characteristics of this new couple that she does not like.
If the mother-in-law does not support the relationship or does not understand that their son or daughter has chosen their partner to start a family, it can negatively influence the relationship. This will depend, on the one hand, on the degree of emotional maturity of your son or daughter and on their way of dealing with the interference of their mother. And on the other, the power that the daughter-in-law gives her, in terms of whether or not she participates in her discussions or allows herself to be led to conflictive terrain.
It can also happen that the problem is in the daughter-in-law, that is, she is the one who does not accept her mother-in-law. She usually happens with insecure, possessive people and with little or no emotional stability.
Possessive mother-in-law with grandchildren.
The problem between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or son-in-law is accentuated with the arrival of the grandchildren. In general, if the mother-in-law was already getting into the relationship, with the arrival of a baby she will do more. He will give an opinion on any decision regarding his granddaughter or grandson and will impose your will.
It is a perfect opportunity to criticize her daughter-in-law or son-in-law and bring out the defects that she considers she has, not only as a couple, but also as a mother or father. Probably everything that the partner of her son or daughter does will seem bad because "she has already been there and she knows what she is talking about." What's more if the type of parenting that the daughter-in-law or son-in-law considers appropriate differs from theirs, conflicts will escalate and the relationship will become even more tense.
It usually occurs in possessive mothers-in-law with grandchildren who, after the baby is born, insist on moving into the couple's home to help. This often seems like a good idea to the son or daughter. Not so much to the daughter-in-law or son-in-law, who is likely to explode at such an intrusion.
Tips for dealing with toxic mothers-in-law.
In order to live with a toxic mother-in-law, we recommend applying the following guidelines:
- Try to look for things in common with your mother-in-law that they bring you closer in some aspect.
- Do not tell your mother-in-law your intimacies or your relationship problems. Also if he has to choose, guess who he will take?
- Do not enter the rag. Try to avoid arguments with your mother-in-law and do not enter her territory.
- Your partner should set limits appropriate in terms of your mother-in-law's involvement in the relationship.
- Do not speak ill of your mother in law in front of your partner. Remember that she is and will continue to be her mother.
- Clarify the concept of family. Until now, the family was your parents and your siblings, but once you commit to a relationship, the new family is your partner and the sons and daughters if you have them.
- Never bring the children in family discussions or use them to harm you.
- Don't give him power. The more you focus on what irritates you about her, what she says or how she says it, the more power you are giving her. She tries to ignore it and seeing that they don't work, she will lessen her criticism.
In the following article you will find more information for identify and distance yourself from toxic people.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Toxic and manipulative mothers-in-law: how to deal with them?, we recommend that you enter our category of Couple therapy.
Bibliography
- Stamateas, B. (2013). Toxic people. Barcelona: Debolsillo.
