What is emotional dependence and codependency? When talking about emotional dependency, the issue of codependency should not be neglected, a frequently pronounced term whose true meaning is still unknown to many.
In this Psychology-Online article, therefore, we will see together what is the difference between dependency and codependency, you will know what each type of relationship means with its main characteristics and, in addition, you will know the signs that will help you identify the toxic links that you maintain in your life. Keep reading!
Index
- What is emotional dependency
- What is emotional codependency
- Differences between dependency and codependency
What is emotional dependency.
Emotional dependencies have only recently been discovered: in 1945, the psychoanalyst Fenichel introduced the term "dependent love" to designate people who need love as others depend on food or drug.
In the 1970s, for the first time, "Women Who Love Too Much" was discussed, a book by the American psychologist Robin Norwood. The issue was approached from a point of view much closer to "dependent love", giving them tools to recognize themselves and understand the cause of women's discomfort.
To date it has not been classified as a psychiatric pathology, but different scholars and therapists consider it a Psychological trastorn for themselves.
Emotional dependence is a dependence on a person who loves oneself, sometimes even in a conflictive way, which in some cases creates a unbalanced balance in the relationship of two, but that manages to satisfy the two lovers, at least until the entry of new elements in the scene of the couple.
In other cases, however, which are the majority today, one of the signs of emotional dependence is that the imbalance is such that brings deep pain, and the total inability to get out of a situation that slowly wears away the dependent lover.
Emotional dependency affects all age groups, and here is a list of its main symptoms:
- Other's Obsession.
- Not being able to separate the self from the other and their will from the other.
- Fear of losing love.
- fear of abandonment, to separation.
- Fear of loneliness and distance.
- Fear of showing himself for what he is.
- Guilt.
- Feeling of inferiority with respect to the partner.
- Resentment and anger if they leave you.
- Total participation and limited social life.
- Jealousy and possessions.
If you identify some of these signs of emotional dependency in your relationships, we recommend you carry out our Emotional dependency test to end your doubts.
What is emotional codependency.
Codependency, strictly speaking, refers to the welding that is created between a caring employee and someone - which can be any of the significant people in your life (husband, father, son, friend) - dependent on "something else", be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, or another person. Now, what is the cause of codependency? It is an addiction that puts the roots in the childhood affective model.
The concept of codependency was born in the Anglo-Saxon environment, precisely in the field of the study of addictions, since it was noted that many partners of alcoholics and drug addicts tended to repeat the scripts of the past, and to connect with people who had the same addiction as one of the parents, both to put the well-being of others at the center of your life: just as the childhood family bond should be, in which the child and her well-being were never the center of attention.
Some scholars define codependency as a true psychological, chronic and progressive pathology; in these cases codependents need to relate to dependent people for an unhealthy form of well-being.
The codependent seeks approval and their own value in feeling needed by the other, giving help, affection, security, protection. He seeks a secure relationship and is afraid of abandonment, and therefore turns to relationships with people who need patient, firm parental figures.
He stays in the relationship, even when he is not happy and it is not even remotely satisfactory, for fear of abandonment and precisely because of the compensation offered by the feel needed by the other. If you ask yourself "How can I know if I am a codependent person?", pay attention to the following characteristics:
- Focus your life on others.
- He looks for his own worth and happiness outside of himself.
- He helps others more than he thinks of himself.
- You want the esteem and love of others.
- He is attracted to people who need help.
- Control the other's behavior and anticipate his needs.
- He feels responsible for the other and for his actions.
- Attributes your discomfort to others.
- He puts up with more and more behavior from others that he would not have put up with before.
In case you want to expand your knowledge about this toxic bonding model, read our post about Couple codependency: definition, symptoms and treatment.
Differences between dependency and codependency.
Now that you know what emotional dependence and codependency are, it will be much easier for you to understand the differences between the two. Below, we list several reasons that justify it:
Dependency Types
There is no talk of emotional dependence because the codependent organizes his thoughts and behaviors not around a substance, but around a person: the relationship with this person becomes a kind of "drug", with a dynamic very similar to drug addiction.
Need to be essential
In recent years, the concept of codependency has been extended to encompass also reciprocal dependencies, in which one needs the other, although for different reasons. But it is not exactly the same, because while the codependent needs to feel necessary, the one who depends on narcotics feels linked only to his drug, and not to the other who takes care of him.
psychological profiles
Codependents are in some ways the "type" emotional employees, since all of these characteristics of codependents are evident in their stories. low self-esteem, need to find its value abroad, fear to loneliness and abandonment, which, we have seen, are typical of dependency.
association with dysfunctional people
The difference between emotional dependence and codependency is that in the first one you can choose a partner who does not has special problems, in the second, the object of addiction is a person who surely has in turn a pathological dependence.
In codependency, less emphasis is placed on behaviors, which tend to be very similar and common to those present in emotional dependence, rather in the choice of extremely dysfunctional partners and characterized in turn by dependency dynamics typically external to the relationship.
Association with unavailable people
In codependency, the motto is "I will save you", probably linked to the need to feel and demonstrate one's own value through managing to change, save and recover the other from their pathological vicissitudes. In emotional dependency, on the other hand, one tends to choose emotionally unavailable partners.
These partners are often engaged in another relationship or unwilling to commit or avoiding an emotional attachment. Also, they may have personality disorders or psychological that make it almost impossible to build a healthy and rewarding relationship.
In other cases, the people selected by the codependent are extremely stimulating, with personalities apparently strong and determined, fascinating, intriguing and with whom a relationship is established characterized by a strong passionate component of a sexual nature.
Therefore, we can say that the motto is rather "I will conquer you": conquer the other, making him fall in love with himself, becoming special in his eyes and in his life becomes an inalienable goal to be able to feel his own value and kindness.
If you liked this article on What is the difference between dependency and codependency, we recommend you read our article How to stop being emotionally codependent on your partner.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to What is the difference between dependency and codependency, we recommend that you enter our category of Social psychology.
Bibliography
- Barbier, A. (2019). Dipendenza affectiva e codipendenza. Recovered from: https://www.psicoterapiapersona.it/2019/10/27/dipendenza-affettiva-e-codipendenza/
- Cavaliere, R. (2017). Be not my love, not you love. I will break the vicious circle of the affective dipendenza (and not alone). Milan: Franco Angeli.
