We cannot deny the importance of the emotional connection and support of a partner. Finding a suitable romantic partner often requires a long search that includes unpleasant, shallow, and disappointing experiences. For this reason, if you are not romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, you may feel confused and even You may come to wonder if there really is no one worthwhile or if it is something that has to do with you. Are you looking for a partner but you can't find anyone interesting? Do you think that no one will be enough or are you worried that you are the "problem" and not being able to fall in love?
In this Psychology-Online article, we explain 10 possible reasons that will help you understand why don't you like anyone as a couple.
Index
- unrealistic expectations
- fear of intimacy
- Fear of showing yourself vulnerable
- fear of abandonment
- You are not open to being in a relationship
- lack of attraction
- Personality traits
- traumatic situations
- counterdependency
- lack of authenticity
Unrealistic expectations.
It is natural to want to find a partner who meets certain expectations, but it is important be aware if your demands are too high and inflexible to the point that there is no person who can fulfill them. Having unrealistic expectations of a partner can make it difficult to find and maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Some examples of unrealistic expectations may include:
- May your partner meet all beauty standards.
- May your partner be a successful professional, wealthy person and have many properties.
- May he never make mistakes or have defects.
- May he always agree with you and never get angry or complain.
- That satisfies all your emotional needs.
- May you always be in a good mood and have no problems.
These kinds of expectations are not only unrealistic, but also they are unhealthy and they function as a trap that blocks love. They also make you cling to an idealized vision trying to reach impossible standards.
Consequences of unrealistic expectations in the couple
unrealistic expectations can put a lot of pressure on the partner, obscuring its value and positive qualities if you only look at the defects or the things that the other person does wrong. This can make it hard to be satisfied with someone who can never meet your unattainable demands.
Likewise, you may also apply these unrealistic standards to yourself that you apply to others. In these cases, it can be exhausting and demoralizing to try to constantly fight for achieve perfection and it can cause you to miss out on opportunities to connect with others.
Fear of intimacy.
Although most people say they want love, almost everyone has some degree of fear of intimacy. However, the type and extent of this fear may vary depending on our personal history. When you connect with someone, do you start to panic and sabotage the relationship to create distance? Do you walk away until the feelings fade? Do people often tell you that you have a "wall" that they can't break down?
The "critical inner voice" is the language of our defense mechanisms, based on limiting beliefs that impair our decisions and our life. This critical voice is directed by our deepest fears around relationships. It may transmit the following messages to you:
- "Don't let yourself feel too much"
- “All relationships end in suffering”
- “Showing your feelings is a sign of weakness”
- "You can not trust anyone"
What if I'm afraid of intimacy
Whenever you notice these thoughts, such as over-analyzing the intentions and actions of others, looking for all their flaws, finding details and imperfections in someone so that you don't like them, you must keep in mind that it is the critical inner voice guided by the fear of privacy.
This fear works by sabotaging relationships and create distance between people. Therefore, you will not be able to like anyone as a couple and you will not be able to fall in love unless you leave behind all prejudices and limiting beliefs and are open to describe, explore and trust.
Like anger, sadness, and other emotions, fear of intimacy has value when it is brief and limited to the given circumstances. The fear of falling in love is valuable when there are red flags associated with a specific person's traits and behavior. However, when fear is chronic and has no connection to reality, it can be very damaging. Fearing falling in love in all cases can make the problem chronic.
Fear of showing yourself vulnerable.
Because closeness in relationships creates vulnerability and its consequences can be unpredictable, many people they avoid this closeness for fear of having a bad time. For this reason, if you don't find someone you like as a partner, you may be afraid of being vulnerable. Painful past experiences, such as being rejected in love, can affect your ability to be attracted to other people.
Perhaps you have experienced moments in which no one offered you understanding or help, or you may have been pushed aside or humiliated when you needed support and affection. In these cases, it may be that to respond to this rejection you had to resort to the idea that love is not that important or that nobody helps you when you need it. The fear of showing yourself vulnerable is the fear of being seen fully for all that you are and to be seen as imperfect.
Many people who are afraid of being vulnerable try to protect themselves by acting like they don't need the closeness and emotional connection. However, the most dysfunctional way in which the fear of being vulnerable manifests itself is the isolation. Only when sadness and loneliness become unbearable are emotionally isolated people willing to take risks to find authentic connection. They must choose transparency and authenticity over security.
Fear of abandonment.
Are you worried that when you find someone you like, they will cheat on you or leave you? The fear of abandonment affects our ability to trust others. What can cause us not to like anyone as a couple and we cannot fall in love.
People who have fallen in love and have subsequently felt rejection or abandonment in relationships of the past can renounce affection and closeness in the face of any situation that could be a threat in the past. future. In these cases, our critical inner voice can play an important role, making you receive and believe messages such as:
- "Leave before they leave you."
- "Go before they leave you."
- “Love is not forever. Better to leave early."
Why do I self-sabotage my relationships?
Sabotaging a relationship, and ourselves in the process, can be seen as a quick fix to avoid that they abandon us, or as a self-fulfilling prophecy that we "knew" that they were going to abandon us anyway modes. By boycotting the relationship, we are unconsciously building a wall around ourselves to "protect" us from the fear of being left behind.
This dynamic is very harmful because it perpetuates the deepest fears and creates a long history of "failed" loves and a tendency to discard people and relationships prematurely.
You are not open to being in a relationship.
There are many people who enjoy the initial phases of relationships, but have no real intention of building a long-term relationship. To their partners, they may seem very receptive on certain occasions, but not be reliably present on many others, or seem to get involved but then disappear.
In other words, these people enjoy moments of intimacy and passion, but there is no real emotional connection or bond, so it is easy for them to walk away. When the initial intensity and attraction start to become more stable, they become discouraged and walk away. For this reason, if you don't find anyone you like as a partner, it may help to ask yourself if you're really willing to fall in love and commit.
If you prefer to have brief or superficial relationships instead of deeper and lasting relationships, it is very You may not find anyone interesting, important, or special enough to "change" your plans. However, you should keep in mind that if you tend to move towards and away from a person, you may feel confused and frustrated and will tend to move away.
Lack of attraction.
An important reason why you may not like her as a couple is that you haven't found anyone you find attractive. Many people go through times when they are not sexually attracted to anyone or feel that they are not attractive to others.
On the other hand, it may be that the people you've met had different interests, values, or goals, so they didn't fit you as a couple. It is also possible that simply you have not experienced a strong physical or emotional connection Or that the appearance or personality of the person you have met does not attract your attention, so you do not like them as a couple.
The attraction it is a personal and subjective experience, so what one person finds attractive may not be to another. In fact, as we mature and experience long-term relationships, we can begin to broaden our appreciation of people and learning to admire the qualities of others, which are not always readily apparent immediate. That is, we will have more experiences that help us to know what feels good for us.
It should be noted that a relationship can have a hard time surviving if it is based solely on that initial chemistry related to looks and sexual desires. Physical appearance may be the first thing that attracts you to a person, but having an emotional connection that includes loyal friendship, trust, and honest communication is often more sustainable.
Personality traits.
Personality factors can play an important role in knowing why you don't like someone as a partner. In this sense, there are people who are more introverted than others who find it more difficult to open up and interact with others.
Other people tend to feel hurt recurrently, they are extremely sensitive rejection or abandonment and do not risk opening up for fear of testing their fears and beliefs negative. They may have experienced these anticipatory fears when they opened up in the past, so prefer emotional isolation to stay “safe”.
Others suffer from social anxiety, fearing that they will be judged unfavorably if they are known, and worrying incessantly about what others will think of them. Their anxiety immobilizes them, they imagine the worst possible scenario and prefer not to expose themselves to situations or social contexts.
traumatic situations.
Don't you trust anyone? Do you think that everyone will hurt you? When you meet someone, do you tend to be suspicious and look for signs that that person is not safe? Traumatic situations of the past lead us to look for current threats that reflect it.
A frown, a slight, or even a deep or raised tone of voice can cause the trauma to be relived, leading us to react as if the original injury were present. With unresolved trauma, it can seem like we're only safe with perfect people. Since no one is perfect, no one is safe. And since no one is safe, we don't like anyone.
Abuse can turn a person into a distrustful adult who does not allow others to get close and can develop negative behavior patterns and beliefs about relationships and love. People who have survived situations of physical, sexual or emotional abuse know that Enduring that pain would hurt less than defending and counterattacking, than resisting would generate more anguish. and pain.
How traumatic situations affect relationships
Believing that there would never be understanding or release from their circumstances, they learned to act as if nothing bothered them. Choosing emotional isolation was the best chance of survival. These patterns can be difficult to break and can lead to unstable relationships or difficult.
However, it is important to remember that it is possible to learn to have healthy relationships despite the circumstances of the past. In these cases, seek professional help it can be helpful to overcome these patterns and learn new skills to better manage emotions and relationships.
Counterdependence.
Do you reject the idea of finding a partner so as not to “lose” your freedom? Do you think that if you had a partner, you would depend on this person? Are you afraid that when you fall in love your partner will "control" your life? The terms "dependency relationships" or "toxic relationships" are familiar to all of us and we have assumed that this way of relating is harmful. However, we must not make the mistake of generalizing a way of relating to the relationship itself.
Therefore, if you do not like anyone as a couple, it may be very convenient for you to ask yourself what idea you have about relationships. If you have internalized the belief that love subtracts freedom and imprisons, it is possible that you do not like anyone as a couple because you see that person as a threat to your individuality. This is known as counterdependency.
Counterdependent people have a worldview in which others cannot be depended on and may opt for extreme self-sufficiency. In turn, these people they prefer not to seek help or reveal their vulnerabilities, even at times when it is absolutely necessary.
What happens if you avoid attachment
In a series of empirical investigations in stressful and threatening situations such as military training and being near death, Mario Mikulincer and Victor Florian[1]found that adults who avoid attachment tend not to participate in seeking support to manage anxiety and they distance themselves from others, including significant people in their lives.
There is a huge leap between emotional dependency and extreme self-sufficiency. The latter is the denial of our human need to belong and to create deep bonds with other people. It is a defense mechanism that can end up playing a trick on us, since being an independent person in a mature way It implies not placing the keys to our happiness in others, but without denying our emotional connection with people significant.
Lack of authenticity.
Sometimes, not finding someone you like as a partner can be frustrating. When this feeling becomes too distressing, many people build a facade to pretend that his disappointment is not so great. If this has happened to you too and you have tried to convince yourself that you don't need to connect with anyone, you may even come to believe that you don't need love. Then life may become flat, boring, or meaningless.
To make up for this inner emptiness, you may try to emphasize your worth through the things you do and achieve. Because of this, you can achieve various achievements in the professional field and appear successful and independent, but in the background the battle against perfectionism, shame and loneliness prevents you from living life fully. It is important recognize when you are being authentic and if your choices correspond to what you really want.
Some examples of situations where you are not being authentic include:
- You hide under the guise of emotional isolation by “own choice”, but you feel isolated.
- You are not satisfied with your reality, but you feel the need to camouflage it.
- You constantly worry about being judged or rejected, so you don't share your personal struggles with anyone.
- You compare yourself with others, and you feel the need to prove that you are "better".
How important is authenticity?
If you feel reflected with one or more of the above points, it is possible that you do not like anyone as a couple and that it is very difficult for you to establish connections in a real and deep way. This loneliness is prolonged as you continue to live in a facade, instead of letting other people really know you and connect with you in a deep way.
Authenticity is actually more attractive and enables effective communication, builds trust and allows real intimacy. In this article you will find How to improve trust in others.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Why I don't like anyone as a couple, we recommend that you enter our category of Feelings.
References
- Mikulincer, M., & Florian, V. (2000). Exploring individual differences in reactions to mortality salience: Does attachment style regulate terror management mechanisms?. Journal of personality and social psychology, 79(2), 260.
Bibliography
- Ben-Ze'ev, A., & Goussinsky, R. (2008). In the name of love: Romantic ideology and its victims. OUP Oxford.
- Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong. Spigel & Grau.
- Land, L. N., Rochlen, A. B., & Vaughn, B. K. (2011). Correlates of adult attachment avoidance: Men's avoidance of intimacy in romantic relationships. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 12(1), 64.
- lo, i (2018). Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity: How to manage intense emotions. Hachette UK.
