Drug addiction is a major mental health problem that not only involves the person who suffers from it, but also their partner, family and friends. If your partner is using drugs or alcohol in a way that threatens their health, relationships, finances, career professional or even her life, you will undoubtedly feel overwhelmed and desperate to help her out of such a situation.
Being in a relationship with someone who has a substance addiction is challenging, as it is extremely painful to watch their loss of control. and self-destruction, how you seem to have become someone else and fall victim to the lies and deceit that often accompany addiction. Is it possible to help someone out of the addiction trap? Can an addict change for love? In this Psychology-Online article we explain it to you.
To understand what the love of a drug addict is like, you must take into account a series of aspects that we will show you below.
Substances change people
Addiction is a disorder of the brain's reward circuitry that
When someone falls into an addiction, the person they love disappears, at least until the affected individual begins to deal with their problem. The person you remember may have been kind, funny, generous, and loving, but now they are selfish, rude, and irritable. It takes a while to adjust to this new reality and it is very normal to respond to the addicted person as if they were the person before.
Addiction and cheating go hand in hand
People who are next to addicts tend to respond to the person they remember, which makes it so easy for them to fall for it. manipulations and betrayal. In addition, another way in which addiction manifests itself is through lying, which protects the disease and perpetuates it.
Understanding this reality does not mean that you have to accept the lie, but rather that you have to understand where it comes from so that you stop taking it personally. Only then can you avoid pain and resentment. In this article, we explain what to do when you are lied to and you know the truth.
Addicts do not follow the same logic as other people
When an addiction takes hold the reality of the person is distorted. For this reason, you can't convince her to see things the way you do. Lying about consumption is a way of survival for addicts. The real change will come when there is absolutely no choice but to leave the addiction behind, not from your attempts to provide them with information or from logic.
In general, people tend to avoid changes in our lives until we feel uncomfortable enough with the previous situation to open up to a different option. In the case of substance addiction, this tendency is extreme, so until the moment in which losses occur social, affective or economic, or the pain caused by the addiction does not drive a change, they will continue consuming.
Drugs provide temporary benefits to addicts, until the effect wears off and they need to turn to the substance again. In this way, addicts resort to any means to avoid the adverse effects of withdrawal.
How long do the effects of addiction last?
The changes in the brain responsible for these maladaptive behaviors can persist for months or even years as a result of consumption. As a result, the drug addiction He ends up making decisions for the person and, in most cases, they are very different from those he would have made while sober. For this reason, when the addict begins to recover, he will feel guilt and shame.
These feelings have been masked and hidden for a long time, so you are suddenly hit by a wave of overwhelming feelings that you have to deal with. It is then that, under these conditions, addicts can love people.
When they are ready to recover from their illness, take responsibility for their actions, validate the negative impact their use has had on others, and try to repair the pain caused, then, they can begin to build a healthy relationship with their partner.
How to set limits to an addicted person
If you are in a relationship with an addict, the limits you will have to set will be stricter than they are with other people in your life. Setting limits will prevent you from reinforcing your substance use and can help you not feel constantly frustrated or angry with your partner's addiction.
It is common for loved ones of people with addiction problems to feel guilty when they set limits. Even so, setting limits firm, but with love, is one of the greatest demonstrations of love, since it means that you value the person and the relationship enough to want to prevent it from being destroyed by alcohol or drug abuse.
On the contrary, downplaying the problem will only make the addict's behavior worse, since there will be no consequence if he can cross any limits. Ultimately, it is important be clear about the consequences of exceeding limits. Be sure to respect and maintain them so as not to create confusion.
Next, we will show you some tips on what to do if your partner uses drugs and/or alcohol.
1. accept reality
When we are faced with an overwhelming and painful reality, denial is a way to protect yourself not to face her. Although it may seem easier to pretend that everything is okay, this will only allow your partner to continue consuming without his behavior having any consequence and, therefore, he will have no reason to put aside his addiction.
2. Set limits
The limits are expectations or pacts established in the couple to know what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. As we have mentioned before, limits are very important because they protect your personal health and well-being. In this way, you are more likely to be able to help your partner, since you will find yourself better in the relationship.
In addition, the limits can also be shaped over time depending on the circumstances. It's okay to say no to behaviors you may have indulged in in the past. Some examples of common limits that can be agreed through conversations with your partner are:
- Do not allow the consumption of alcohol and other drugs at home.
- Do not come home under the influence of substances.
- Do not allow the entrance of friends who consume alcohol or other drugs at home.
- Lack of communication when intoxicated. (No calls, texts, etc.)
3. Know the difference between helping and permissiveness
In general, it is normal to help the people we love when they need it, but there is a difference between helping and permissiveness. Helping strengthens the person in their recovery, while indulgence reinforces addiction.
Helping takes into account the long-term effects, benefits, and consequences of withdrawal and recovery. Instead, with permissiveness immediate relief is provided, ignoring the long-term negative consequences. Providing money, accommodation, or leaving healthy boundaries are some forms of indulgence that will keep the addiction alive. The easier it is for you to maintain your addiction, the less reason you will have to recover from it.
4. Don't minimize addiction
Being in a relationship with an addict is an extremely complicated and difficult situation, and often your responses to your partner's behaviors can lead to guilt, pain, and self-doubt. It's easy to feel judged for withdrawing your support, but sometimes this is the only possible response. When this happens, it's important to remind your partner that when they decide to do things differently, your arms will be open.
Similarly, do not minimize addiction, don't ignore it, don't justify it or cover it up. This is not the way, as it stands in the way of your healing, protecting you from the consequences of your addiction. Also, do not get carried away by lies or guilt. Your partner may get angry or sad, but sooner or later they will understand that their behaviors are no longer valid due to your determination.
5. Don't blame him for his addiction
Remember that addiction is a mental health problem. The addiction is already heavily infused with shame and guilt. Therefore, avoid blaming your boyfriend / girlfriend for her addiction, since blaming the addict for her situation will not provide solutions and it will only add more suffering. If you want to better understand how addiction works, we recommend you read this article about what is an addiction: definition and why it happens.
6. Don't try to "fix" him.
Understand the difference between what you can do (change the way you think or the things you do) and what you can't change (your partner or anyone else, in general). If you have an affective bond with a person who has an addiction, you should know that the fact that they stop using and that recover is your responsibility.
You cannot “fix” or “solve” their problem. The only thing you can do is help ease their pain with your love, understanding, empathy and, of course, setting healthy boundaries.
7. educate yourself
If you want to help your partner, it is very important to understand substance use and the resources available. By doing this, not only you will be better able to make better decisions, but you will also be informed when your partner decides that they are ready to seek help.
Some important aspects to learn about substance addiction are the biological foundations of addiction and the changes in the brain caused by or environmental triggers, such as drinking partners and availability of substances etc
In addition, it is also important to familiarize yourself with the proper terms, as this will avoid stigmatizing language. Thus, you will be able to communicate better with your partner and address their condition more constructively.
8. relapses are possible
Addiction is not a linear disease, but one that is full of ups and downs. Try to pay attention to the progress of your partner, do not look for perfection. Don't see a step back as a failure. Recovery never happens linearly forward, and steps backwards are part of the process. During recovery from an addiction, relapses are possible.
Although some people achieve long-term recovery on their first try, for others it may take several tries over several years.
9. Seek help and do not isolate yourself
Unfortunately, today addictions to alcohol or other drugs are still often accompanied by shame and stigma. It is normal for loved ones of an addict to tend to isolate themselves, however, this does not mean that you should.
Talk to friends, family and people close to you. Share your experience with them and let them take care of you too and empathize with your discomfort. Besides, seek professional help and advice of specialists as soon as possible makes the difference.
10. don't forget about you
In the same way that it is the addict's responsibility to identify her problem and seek treatment, it is also your responsibility. identify and satisfy your needs, concerns and discomfort. Suppressing this part of you will make you feel more exhausted, both emotionally and physically, which is detrimental to you, your partner, and your relationship.
Without a doubt, not abandoning yourself is one of the most important things you can do for your partner. It is an act of love to offer you support in seeking available treatment options, while at the same time do not lose sight of what you need to be happy and be healthy.
You can't help your partner if you can't help yourself. Maintaining your own routines, hobbies, self-care, and concerns, while supporting your partner in their recovery, is one way to build resilience.
11. Sometimes the only option is to leave
There are many factors that can determine a relationship, so love alone is not enough. Intimate relationships are full of complexity and nuance, even more so when your partner has a substance abuse problem. Therefore, when you feel that the person prioritize consumption over relationships and endanger your well-being, it will be time to end the relationship.
let go of someone It does not mean that you stop loving him, but in a relationship the responsibility is shared. If your partner cannot relate in a healthy way, it is time to discontinue contact. In this article you will find information about how to know when to end a relationship.
