It would be great to be able to choose how you feel regardless of what other people say or do. However, especially in a relationship, it is extremely difficult to remain indifferent, due to the feelings of love, commitment, expectations and shared moments. How can you pretend it's nothing when your partner repeatedly accuses you of hurtful behavior, dishonest attitudes or even being a bad person?
It's natural to feel confused, hurt, and frustrated, especially if you haven't done anything serious enough to receive this feedback. In addition, it is important not to let this type of situation pass and that they be addressed as soon as possible. In this Psychology-Online article we explain why your partner tells you that you are a bad person and what to do.
If your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it is natural that you are confused and wonder why. This cannot be the normal tone of a relationship. If so, there may be several reasons. We tell you below.
Is upset or frustrated with you
When someone gets angry, it's often because you feel you have been treated unfairly or that it has been provoked in any way. If your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it is possible that he is angry with you for some comment or behavior of yours that has upset him.
Sometimes, out of anger and rage, a person says things that he doesn't really mean and that can be offensive or hurtful. However, the insults and accusations They are not justified because they are ways of speaking that intentionally seek to hurt or offend.
Although someone may feel angry or frustrated at any given time, it is important to treat others with respect and consideration, even when we disagree with them or when things are not going as we expected. Insults do not solve problems and can damage relationships and trust.
Have insecurities or emotional problems
Accusing a partner of being a bad person can be related to feelings of insecurity in a relationship. When your partner tells you that you are a bad person, they may believe that you did something wrong, or they may even know that you did not, but they still accuse you of it.
A possible reason that would explain this behavior is that your partner has an explosive character and/or emotional problems. It can be selfishness, narcissism, insecure attachment, low emotional intelligence, explosive temper or reduced social skills, among other factors.
If you have not done anything so serious but your partner insists on saying that you are a bad person, this accusation is based on their belief system and not so much on your behavior. The false accusations They could indicate that the accuser has difficulty trusting others or has had the experience of being betrayed in the past.
misinterpret what you say
People can interpret the behavior of others and attribute inaccurate meanings to it that do not fully correspond to reality. So, if your partner does not know or understand the context in which you are immersed, they can interpret what you say in the wrong way.
For example, he may interpret that you are a bad person because you have not shown interest and concern for the state of health of a relative of his, however, is not taking into account your own circumstances. Perhaps you have been careless because you are going through a period of stress and pressure at work.
So, if your partner makes you feel bad, they may be interpreting your behavior in a different way. wrong, due to misunderstandings, lack of information, your prejudices or biases, experiences past, etc.
He wants you to think like him or her
In a relationship it is almost inevitable that some word or behavior can upset the couple. It is human to make mistakes and make mistakes, however, when each mistake you make becomes a pejorative way of defining yourself, it is normal for you not to feel valued.
If your partner tells you that you are a bad person frequently and tries to manipulate or control you with his words, surely you are facing a dynamic that is detrimental to the relationship.
In these cases, your partner may make you feel bad because they don't like your way of living and try to that you act in another way more akin to her saying things like "if I feel that way it is because you are bad person". Instead of admitting it, expressing his feelings, and making an assertive request, he projects the blame onto you.
feel guilty
When your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it may be because they feel guilty and project that feeling onto you. This kind of "transfer" of feelings is a psychological process in which your partnerand imposes his guilt or insecurity. An example would be a cheating partner who constantly accuses you of flirting or dating other people.
So one possible explanation for why your partner tells you that you are a bad person is that internally they feel like a bad person themselves. It's about a common, universal and unconscious defense mechanismHowever, when unaware of it and used to the extreme, it can cloud judgment.
Also, the partner may feel grounded and frustrated by the constant and unsubstantiated accusations. In the long run, if a person is shamed or rejected, they may stop expressing themselves and withdraw from their partner. This can corroborate the initial version of the person who accuses their partner of being a "bad person". To prevent that from happening, we recommend you read this article on how to stop feeling guilty about everything.
However, it is important to remember that not all people who report that their partners are bad people are projecting their guilt. Each situation must be analyzed in a specific way, since it contains a multitude of aspects and nuances that cannot be covered in a general rule.
It is important to address relationship problems to prevent them from becoming bigger obstacles in the relationship. If your partner makes you feel bad because they tell you that you are a bad person, these tips can be very helpful in handling the situation.
1. Ask him what he means by being a "bad person"
If your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it is important that you understand what she means by "bad person" and that you ask yourself what behaviors of yours have led her to use this expression. It is a totally subjective assessment, since what some people define as "bad" may be acceptable to others.
The concepts of "good" and "bad" are like polar opposites, since they depend on a multitude of factors and can change over time. Generally, they are associated with individual morality, religion, cultural context, personal experiences, and even ideology.
2. Listen to your partner if they need it
If your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it is certain that they feel upset for some reason. It is possible that you feel anger at some event which in his opinion is not acceptable. Although this does not justify that it is appropriate to accuse or define you in this way, it helps to understand why he acts this way.
In this sense, irritated people need to feel heard, so it is very possible that if your partner has told you that you are a bad person, it is because She is wounded and wants your attention. For example, if your partner tells you that you are a bad person because they suspect that you are being unfaithful, it is very likely that they are suffering and need empathy for their pain. Although his conclusion is not certain, his discomfort has a cause and an explanation that it is important that you listen to.
An effective way to address this situation can be to say the following: “I am worried that you will tell me that I am a bad person. I am not and I wonder what has happened to make you express yourself like that and if there is something you need to feel better in the relationship. listen carefully and show empathy for their concerns. In this article you will see how to practice empathy in my life.
In addition, it is also important that you make clear the discomfort that defines you as a bad person and set limits so that these types of accusations do not happen again. Remember that communication is the backbone of any relationship.
3. Take responsibility and try to repair the damage
Like most people, you've probably done some things considered good, some considered bad, and many others somewhere in between. This does not define you as a good or bad person, so neither you nor your partner should fall into this type of simplification of reality. In fact, asking yourself if you are a good or bad person is already an indication that you have a certain degree of emotional self-awareness and empathy.
It is almost inevitable to make mistakes, however, if managed properly, the conflict can be an opportunity to reconnect with your partner. To repair this situation, you must take responsibility for what happened and recognize your part in it. Offer a sincere apology and Validate the emotions that your partner may have experienced. Be open to their needs and feel free to share yours as well.
Empathy, gratitude and the compassion They are values that must be present in any relationship. If you have acted in a way that could have hurt the person you love, try to guide your future actions and interactions with them by these values.
4. Respond to a false accusation
It is essential to be honest with yourself and with your partner. Possibly saying that someone is a bad person is not the most appropriate expression. However, if you have not acted in the best way, even partially, your partner may have reason to be upset. In the previous point we have explained how to take responsibility and try to repair it.
On the contrary, if you have not acted in a reprehensible way, but your partner claims that you have bad intentions and even accuses you of false behaviors and actions, you have to respond. It is crucial to muster the courage to clarify what happened and make it clear that you are not going to accept that I accuse you of something you haven't done, or of being in a way that doesn't define you.
Explain in detail how it affects you when your partner tells you that you are a bad person. Be specific about what you want and expect and about the comments and attitudes that you are not willing to tolerate.
5. Demand respect and make your position clear
People have a right to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated, but that doesn't justify putting down, belittling, slandering, or offending anyone. Paradoxically, as a general rule, we are much more tolerant of emotional abuse than we think.
After all, belittling, ridiculing, or insulting leaves no physical scars, and we often tend to give in, justifying our partner with any excuse such as "he has had a bad day" or "he has a bad temper, but he will change", among other. However, the discomfort persists and tends to last over time.
If you have shown an empathic and understanding posture to your partner, it is time for her to behave in the same way. Just because you understand their pain doesn't mean you should consent to being labeled a bad person, especially if you haven't done anything serious. As much as you love her You must not tolerate that he talks to you and/or treats you badly. Discover when there is disrespect in the couple in this article.
In short, if your partner has behaviors with you that are hurtful to you, it is important that you let them know what is tolerable and what is not. Be as specific as possible about what bothers you and because. For example, telling you that you are a bad person when something bothers you makes you feel judged and misunderstood.
6. Remember who you are
What to do when your partner makes you feel bad? The most important thing when you are falsely accused is stay connected to your own truth. Don't let other people's comments define you. Although it is a challenge to maintain your dignity when someone else questions it, especially if they It is about our partner, always keep in mind that no one's opinion defines you, not even the hers.
The only person who has the right to define you is yourself. Do not allow anyone to jeopardize your identity, dignity and self-concept. Maintaining a relationship is synonymous with enrichment, well-being and emotional growth. If someone imposes their criteria on you, especially a pejorative one, it is not a healthy relationship nor is it love.
7. If the dynamic continues, leave the relationship.
If a dynamic of hidden aggression and emotional abuse is established, you must make a decision. Love it is a nourishing experience, of mutual expansion, protection and care. In it there is no room for verbal attacks, pejorative labels, unfounded accusations, constant suspicions, comments with the intention of hurting the other and inconsiderate attitudes.
If despite your attempts to listen, empathize and understand your partner, she insists on the idea that you are a bad person, it is time to leave the relationship. If your partner is convinced that you are a bad person, why does he want to maintain a relationship with you if he thinks so low of you? Why are you willing to maintain a relationship with someone who considers you a bad person?
When any person is determined to judge you without understanding you, it shows not only a lack of empathy, but it is a way of devaluing your beliefs, opinions, values and, in essence, everything What are you. If your partner has decided to reduce your person and your experience to a negative label from rigidity, intransigence and lack of empathy, there is nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. Furthermore, you shouldn't try it. It is not your job to convince anyone of your truth, not even your partner.
