Why do I feel lonely when I'm in a relationship and what to do?

When we think of someone as lonely, we almost always imagine a person who is literally alone and has no friends, family, partner, etc. However, it is possible to feel lonely despite having family, friends, even in the context of a relationship. For many people, being in a relationship means that we can always count on the company, support and love of our life partner. From sharing our concerns to the comfort of a hug, we expect a relationship to provide us with closeness, mutual affection, and a deep rapport. However, what we do not expect is to feel alone in that relationship.

If you are in a relationship but have started to feel lonely, you may be wondering what caused it and how to fix it. In this Psychology-Online article we will solve your doubts about Why do I feel lonely when I'm in a relationship and what to do?.

Loneliness in a couple can be due to different causes depending on the members of the couple, the dynamics of the relationship and the specific circumstances of the moment. Generally, loneliness in a couple occurs due to one or more of the following causes:

• Lack of emotional connection: the fact of feeling alone in a couple is due to the fact that the relationship is not working as well as before. Perhaps the emotional connection has faded or one of the couple has withdrawn from the other. Emotional disconnection occurs when we no longer feel important to our partner and feel ignored and neglected.
• Lack of vulnerability in the couple: Not talking about feelings or sharing important aspects of your life can make you feel alone in a relationship. Loneliness takes root when you are physically close to your partner, but she is unaware of the most personal and vulnerable aspects of you. So, being with someone and feeling lonely may be because you feel that your relationship is not a safe space to share vulnerable aspects of yourself.
• Starting a relationship for fear of being alone: If you say "I love my partner, but I feel alone" it may be because, at the time, you started the relationship because you felt alone. If so, you should know that a relationship that is born of loneliness tends to cause greater feelings of loneliness. Entering into a relationship to escape loneliness can cause you to pair up with the wrong person, since you are simply looking for company and not a truly satisfying relationship.
• genetic predisposition: the personality traits and personal history of a person can be the cause of feeling lonely in a couple. A 2017 study published in Nature^[1]he explained that loneliness can be a hereditary trait and that there are certain people who are genetically predisposed to feel lonely throughout their lives.
• Disparate goals, expectations and values: When a couple has very different objectives, goals and values, it is normal for both of them to feel confused, frustrated and sometimes hopeless. A person usually feels alone when she perceives that what matters to her and values ​​is not important to her partner.
• unmet needs: When a partner does not meet our emotional, spiritual and/or sexual needs, it is normal to feel that you are alone even when you have a partner. If this happens, it is common to have a tendency to satisfy those needs in other places or with other people.
• feelings of betrayal: If you have ever felt alone in a relationship, it may be because you feel that you have been betrayed, either with lies, infidelity or other situations that generate mistrust. This feeling can be aggravated if you don't feel respected and there is no trust in the relationship. If this happens to you, we recommend you read this article on how to regain trust in the couple.
• take the relationship for granted: when one of the members of the couple takes the relationship for granted, it usually indicates that he does not fully appreciate or value the other person. In this situation, inattention, not making plans together, lack of gratitude or not taking into account the feelings and needs of the partner may manifest. This can erode the relationship and certainly contributes to a person feeling alone in a relationship.
• conflict avoidance: One or both partners may feel that she cannot confidently share or discuss relationship problems. In this situation, it is common to feel alone as a couple. In fact, when conflicts cannot be resolved effectively, avoiding them often deeply damages the couple. So that this does not happen, it is important to learn to resolve conflict assertively.

Although loneliness is difficult to manage on its own, when you are with a partner it can be even more complicated. Loneliness within the couple it's a very painful thing to experience. In Western culture, there is a shared belief that marriage and intimate relationships protect from loneliness, so feeling alone when in a relationship can become taboo and difficult to deal with accept.

For all this, there are people who can silence and minimize their experience for fear of being judged or ridiculed. If you feel lonely when you are with a partner, you may want to do the following:

• Compare your relationship with others to see if the same thing happens to others. For example, on Valentine's Day you have had a nice dinner and enjoyed an intimate moment with your partner. But then you check the social networks of other people who have been given flowers and jewelry. This comparison causes you doubts about the importance you have for your partner and ends up distancing you from them.
• It causes conflicts and misunderstandings: Fights can become more frequent due to a lack of mutual connection and understanding. This can foster unhappiness in the relationship, seeking support and affection from third parties, and finally, the breakup of the relationship.

Loneliness as a couple does not have to be a sentence to unhappiness and resentment. If you are with someone and feel alone, there are several ways to deal with this situation.

1. Identify the root of your loneliness: The first step may be to ask yourself if your partner makes you feel emotionally fulfilled, and yet you can't help but feel lonely. If this is the case, it's probably something more internal than the relationship itself. Take a closer look at your past relationships to determine if the feelings you are experiencing are a pattern and not an isolated occurrence in your current relationship.
2. address your feelings: If your partner is really doing their part to make you feel satisfied and, despite this, you feel lonely as a couple, perhaps it is necessary that you face your internal discomfort. You can also seek help from a therapist to help you reflect on your behavior patterns and how they affect your relationship. If you want to feel more comfortable with your loneliness, don't avoid it. Face it and you will find out what you need to feel better.
3. Express your needs and take into account those of your partner: Expressing your needs is not something selfish, but something that will nurture your relationship. Have a conversation with your partner and tell them how you feel. It is important that when you do this you do not accuse him and use calm language. Then listen to their point of view and, in this way, you can discover what is damaging your relationship and how to fix it.
4. Spend quality time with your partner: In order not to feel alone as a couple, it is vital that you find time to be together. This is even more relevant to dealing with the absence and/or physical distance. Make sure that the time you dedicate to your partner is really quality. As much as possible, make it fun, personable, and/or diverse.
5. Review common goals, values, and expectations: It is very likely that if you feel alone in a couple, she also feels the same way. Therefore, it is important to consider if you have grown apart, if there used to be more emotional connection before, or if the goals and expectations of the relationship have changed for each of you. In this case, it is necessary to analyze whether you are going in the same direction or accept that you are no longer on the same path.
6. Ask for professional help: if you feel stuck on certain topics, or have difficulty communicating effectively with your couple, it is highly recommended to see a therapist to find solutions and prevent the relationship from deteriorating. deteriorate. There are couples therapies that can help you steer your relationship in the right direction.

This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.