Dysfunctional or toxic families are very diverse, each family is different. However, we can find some common factors that can be observed in most toxic families.
In general, in a toxic family there is a pattern of harmful behaviors that do not respect the individuality of each member of the family, fostering an uncomfortable and unstable climate. In the following Psychology-Online article, we will talk about the toxic family: characteristics and how to get away.
As we have warned at the beginning of this article, each family is a world and, although it is normal that they exist family problems, it is difficult to define a family nucleus as toxic. Therefore, we are going to base ourselves on an interesting psychological theory to find the characteristics of a toxic family.
Donald Meltzer, American psychoanalyst, talks about four types of family group[1]:
Agglutinated family
Exaggerated tendency to go "all to one" and lack of own identity. The individual is of little importance. The claustrophobic effect can appear, creating the feeling that one cannot get out of this familiar structure. Closed mind and based on mistrust: "We are the good guys, the others the bad guys."
Uniformed Family
Tendency to submission, they refuse to differences. Interactions within the family are rigid. Authority and demand abound. There is a lot of control and little reflection.
Isolated Family
In the agglutinated family and the uniformed one, the important thing was the group, in this the importance falls on the individual. Individuality predominates, therefore, there is a deterioration of group identity. Interactions within the family are superficial.
Integrated family
There is a balance between individual and group. Roles are flexible and reflective ability is encouraged. Each one can think differently and it does not stop being family. Differences and criticism are accepted.
They are the first in which toxicity abounds, fruit of the difficulty to freely express our feelings and opinions, talk or show ourselves as we are. The integrated family would be the healthiest family group.
A conflictive family causes negative feelings that affect the personal development and psychological well-being of each member of the family. As we have already commented, each family is different and therefore has its unique characteristics. However, there are some behaviors and attitudes that generate dysfunction in a family:
- Family abuse or violence. The psychological impact on a person who receives abuse is very serious (low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, guilt…). Domestic violence it is a very serious problem that must be solved immediately.
- Overcontrol. Excessive control prevents the controlled person from developing in a healthy and independent way. Which leads to generating dependency and avoidant and emotionally maladaptive behaviors.
- Constant conflict. That conflict exists is natural and healthy to evolve. However, when the conflict is very frequent and intense, it ends up generating wear and tear among family members.
- Addiction to alcohol or other drugs of one or more people in the family. An addiction can cause many financial and emotional difficulties in a family.
- Lack of communication. Lack of communication creates feelings of misunderstanding.
- High level of demand and expectations. The need for children to live up to the expectations of their parents.
- Low parental responsibility. Sometimes parents are immature and have little responsibility and make children have to assume an adult role too early, a fact that is not healthy at all.
Whenever possible try to do your part to solve the conflict and improve the family climate. However, if you have already tried everything and continue to suffer from being in a toxic family, you should start taking steps to take care of yourself, maintain your mental health and emotional balance:
- Set limits. Do not depend on the approval of your family, your decisions are your decisions. And you decide whether to share it with your family or not.
- Don't try to change to a toxic person. Accept that your family member will never change if he does not want to. It is better to make the decision to prioritize your well-being over that of those around you.
- Put some distance. Putting physical distance can help you regain control of your life.
- Don't lose respect. Avoid conflict and don't act impulsively. Cope with conflicts in a healthy and calmer way, allowing feelings to cool down to act without hurting anyone.
- Stop responding to the conflict. When we respond to conflict (abuse, manipulation or complaint) we are nurtured by that conflict.
- Express what you feel with someone you trust. Instead of repressing your emotions, find a way to externalize them.
- Spend time with people who make you feel good. Connect with people that they give you affection.
Distance yourself from toxic family members can stir emotions that are difficult to manage. If you feel that you cannot do it alone, do not hesitate to ask a professional for help.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
