Don't you feel good when you are with your parents? Do you think they don't understand you or you don't understand them? Do you feel like you hate your parents and don't know what to do? The way we relate to our parents or people who have raised us is fundamental to our psychological health, when This is complicated or negative, it can lead us to create an emotional imbalance, which affects the rest of our environment and our links.
If you feel that you hate your parents and you don't know what to doIn this Psychology-Online article we will tell you how you can handle this situation to acquire more knowledge about the primary links and favor your emotional growth.
Index
- Why can't I stand my parents
- What to do if I hate my parents?
- How to deal with toxic parents
Why can't I stand my parents.
Feeling rejection towards our parents is a more common feeling than we think. Feeling that our parents are not as they "should" be or that they are not as we would like them to be, can provoke feelings of
This feeling is independent of the age in which we are, that is, when we are teenagers or young people it is common to feel hatred towards your parents, since at this stage of development we are beginning to form our identity. For this we reject or question the previous identity, the child identity, which normally idealizes to the adults who raise it, believing that they are like gods, that they know everything and that they love us unconditionally.
- For example, a child who is abused by one of the parents does not question why, he clings to the idea of guilt and takes responsibility that she deserves it for having done something "wrong". This belief begins to change around the age of ten, when critical thinking develops.
What is critical thinking?
We understand critical thinking as anyone who consists of analyzing a situation through observation, experience or reasoning, this leads to creating a Own criterion of knowledge, independent of socially accepted statements.
As we said, around the age of ten the child begins to get rid of the infantile mentality, moving from the innocence of thought to own reasoning, thus initiating the construction of a mentality that will give way to adult mind.
At this time the questioning stage is common, normally children begin to ask questions of all kinds and about everything that surrounds them, in search of answers and understanding. This stage, at times, becomes complicated for some adults, since it questions themselves.
- For example, a fairly common situation is found when the father or mother are habitual smokers, but educate their children with the affirmation "smoking is bad" or the imposition "you cannot smoke", when the son or daughter asks why they smoke, the answer is usually authoritarian or recriminating, simply due to the fact that the adult feels questioned and it is difficult for him to understand the vital moment of the child. This example, although very basic, reflects the emotional relationship that can occur between parents and children, where authority is usually imposed creating a feeling of rebellion, rejection and even hatred.
When we are children or adolescents it is difficult to handle this type of situation since we do not have the necessary tools to create an understanding of the context, but as we grow up and with our adult minds developed, we can work on these emotions that remained entrenched and cause us to relate through the hatred, rage or rejection.
What to do if I hate my parents?
When we have negative feelings towards anyone, in this case towards parents, it usually comes from a fantasy constructed from our childhood mind. This means that we have an unconscious idea of what that person should be like, when reality is not corresponds to that belief generates a cognitive dissonance or incongruity that generates feelings of anger and / or I hate towards the person who does not meet our expectations.
But as we said, this mental process is generated by the infantile mind, from the adult mind we can take control, for example by asking yourself the following questions:
Why do I hate my mother or my father?
Specifying where that feeling comes from will help you understand what it is you need, that is, what is your childhood fantasy about the person you hate. Besides power take distance of the "trauma" related to this feeling.
For example, if as a child my mother abandoned me and as an adult I live with hatred towards my mother, there is a part of me that continues clinging to the childish mentality of "needing" my mother, this means that I myself do not allow myself to grow up and achieve independence. In this case, the exercise would help me take another perspective of that need. Asking myself why do I hate my mother? The answer would be, because she abandoned me, she tries to go further by asking you the following question.
What does that make me feel?
Continuing with the example: what does abandonment make you feel? The answers can be very varied and although delving into what we feel can be complicated and sometimes painful, it is healthy to understand ourselves and be able to experience different perspectives on our emotions.
Abandonment can make you feel lonely, rejected, inferior, whatever it is, that's part of the information you need to be able to start heal your emotional wounds.
What do I do with that emotion?
Once you understand that this hatred comes from a feeling of rejection and therefore the intrinsic belief of not being enough, you have the key to understand what you need to work on, in this case the feeling of inferiority. This allows you delve into you and to be able to go to a professional who will accompany you in the healing of the primary bonds.
Since it is good to understand that our parents are the first socializing agents, this means that the tools, emotions and social skills basic we have acquired from them, therefore any deep emotion that damages us we are constantly playing on new links that we create with our environment if we do not raise awareness.
How to deal with toxic parents.
The word toxic has become a common definition in psychology, but the reality is that this term as such is not correct. People constantly deal with their emotional limitations as emotional education is something quite precarious in today's world. So it is very normal for you to ask yourself if it is normal that you do not love your parents, if they are toxic or what you can do if you hate your family.
Taking this into account allows us to separate the vision of what is "good" and "bad", being able to have a healthier vision of people, understanding that each one does what he can with the abilities he has.
We are constantly subjected to the social belief that "the family" is a divine unit, source of love, protection and growth. The truth is that this is a very archaic belief that has distorted the reality of the human being. When we look for information about the origin of the family we realize that it was only a social creation, the family does not exist "naturally". In various civilizations, both past and present, tribes and communities studied in anthropology, unity is not found familiar as a natural law, since each community has different social organizations, all equally valid and useful.
When we understand that the nuclear family (father, mother and children) is not a law, but an option, it is easier for us to act on it. Sometimes, the relationship with our parents in adulthood is not healthy for the development of the individual. As an adult responsible for yourself, it is coherent to ask yourself the following question:
If my mother or father were people outside my family, what relationship would I have with them?
Take some time to think about it and integrate it. Question your internal beliefs about the family, look for theories and broaden the vision you have about the construction of the world, this will help you to have tools and begin to build a life related to who you are and how you feel
The professional accompaniment In this type of process, it is very effective in being able to sustain all the emotional tensions that may appear.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to I hate my parents, what can I do?, we recommend that you enter our category of Family problems.
Bibliography
- Harris, M. (2011). Cows, Pigs, Wars and Witches: The Enigmas of Culture.
- Lévi-Strauss, C., Sapiro, M. and Gough, K. (1976). Controversy over the origin and universality of the family. Barcelona: Anagram.
- Plato. (2013). The Republic. Madrid: Editorial Alliance.
