You don't stop thinking about your ex partner, the relationship you had, how you miss her, everything you would like to do or say to her, and above all, how you would like to be with that person again. But yours is over, and you don't know if it's worth trying or if there is nothing to do... Do you want to know how to get your ex partner back? In Psychology-Online we help you clarify whether or not you should go back with your ex, what are the factors to take into account and how to get your ex back when all is lost.
Many couples go through or have gone through “intermittent” states in their relationship, times of “being-not being” that, although they are not very pleasant, sometimes they are necessary and show us that it is possible to try it. Even so, there are essential points that must be analyzed before deciding definitively that you want to return with the ex-partner: the who, how and why you left the relationship influence the determination whether or not to return may be a good decision and whether it is more or less probable.
Is it possible to get your ex back?
Get back with your ex it's possible, but there are situations in which such an event is more likely than in others. Studies conclude that the main factor influencing reconciliations is uncertainty. Specifically, the uncertainty regarding the state of the relationship. This occurs especially in relationships that end up ending after one of the members has asked for "a time", or relationships in which the two parties, even after they have finished, continue to see each other and do the same things they did when they were together.
Another factor to take into account is that it is more likely to return when it has been one of the two parties who has decided to end the relationship, and not if, on the contrary, the break was mutual agreement. If it was your ex who decided to break up and left, for some vague reason, it is likely that he will return, as we explained in the article Why do men come back according to psychology.
Advantages of getting back with your ex
- You already know each other. Although, obviously, you are not the same as when you started and you have changed. You know each other, in the little things, in each other's hobbies, in what works for you and what doesn't. And above all: you know each other in what you have changed.
- Second opportunity. To do better and learn from mistakes. Show each other that you love the relationship and that you are capable of learning from mistakes and improving.
- Banish doubt. All those what if…? that they eat your head, maybe it's for something. If after analyzing them all well, you still have the question of whether or not you should go back to your ex, it may be worth exploiting that silver lining. If it works, you may even find yourself closer together. And if it does not work, at least you will not have been left with the doubt.
Disadvantages of getting back with your ex
- It's not the same anymore. After some time has passed since the breakup, we tend to remember the good things more than the bad, with the danger of forgetting the reasons why the relationship ended, and idealizing your ex in such a way that, when you return, you find a reality different from the one you imagined. The person who left your life when you left him was no longer the same as when you met him, and now that you are back, he is still not.
- Repeat mistakes. You can fall into the same dynamics that made you split up.
- Does not let you evolve. When we spend a lot of time with a person, we stop being ourselves, we lose a part of ourselves because we are no longer “just me” all the time. We adapt to the relationship, even in small ways, to make it work. We forget things we did when we were single, etc.
One of the main reasons that promote the return of ex-partners is the continued attachment to the other person and vice versa. It is highly probable that your ex-partner continues to have feelings for you and that she misses you, and that is something that from the beginning already works in our favor and we must try to exploit.
Furthermore, a number of studies have found the rareasons why couples get back together. In Psychology-Online we summarize them so that you can take them into account if you want to win back your ex.
- Show willingness to change. That the other person perceives that you want to make an effort and work so that the relationship works again and you are well is essential so that your ex is more predisposed to try again.
- Be more attentive, understanding, tolerant ... Changes in the characteristics of the couple, including positive aspects or improvements in behavior, are the basis of any reconciliation.
- Join. Maintaining continuous contact, seeing each other frequently and, if possible, increasing the time you spend together, are factors that increase the chances of re-establishing a relationship.
- Increase intimacy. Not only in the erotic sense, but especially in the emotional part. Many reconciliations occur after the parts of the couple show more interest in the other person, there is a greater emotional connection, more predisposition to get to know the partner better, find new things in common, etc.
- Improve communication. Communicating more effectively, talking about everything, implies having a explicit and decisive conversation of all the issues that led to the breakup. Here we have an unmissable opportunity to demonstrate the first two points: demonstrate the willingness to work so that the relationship works, and the necessary attitudes to do so. In this article we explain how to improve communication in the couple.
- Ask for forgiveness and forgive. Two necessary acts to move forward in any relationship. Acknowledging the things that you have done wrong in the past and explicitly asking for forgiveness is another demonstration that it is worth trying again. Here you will find some tips for honest forgiveness.
- Reduce barriers. By these we mean trying to eliminate as much as possible, any factor that in the past was an impediment to a positive evolution of the relationship. For example: distance, never having time for the other person, etc.
- Have support. The fact that friends or family support your relationship is something that will facilitate the circumstances for your reconciliation.
- Be the best option. Finally, keep in mind that something that every human being does is compare. After a breakup, it is normal to compare the previous situation with the current one, and the situation of being with you again with the alternatives (being alone or being with others).
Before getting back together with your ex, you should make sure that all problems that caused your breakup have missing. Just as it is very important to make sure that the reasons why you want to return have to see with the love you continue to feel for her, and not for reasons that deep down only concern you you. The latter could be, for example, not being able to be alone or lack of self-esteem. For which cases we recommend you read the following articles: How to learn to be alone after a relationship Y How to improve self-esteem.
Once you are sure that your motives are "pure", you must make sure that theirs are also pure and that they really want to return. There is no use going back to your ex if she is not sure or if she does it for reasons like those described in the previous paragraph.
- Communicate, speak. The return must be consensual. Surely you have talked a lot about your feelings and why you want to return (and if not, you must!), But It is also essential to talk about how you want this reunion to be, what dynamics you do not want to repeat, put limits, etc.
- Set your pace. No one is chasing you and there is no established rule of how you have to return. If you lived together before and it didn't work, you don't have to go back to living together the first time. And vice versa, if you were far away before and this caused problems, perhaps it is time to dare to take another step. And so with everything. Cheer up!
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
