It is normal for a person in love to find it difficult to see the person they love suffer. However, for some people this experience becomes so distressing that they cannot tolerate the discomfort of the other person, coming to feel responsible for it and trying to alleviate it to all coast.
These people hold the belief that if their partner feels pain it is their responsibility or fault, so they must make all kinds of efforts so that they do not feel sad, alone, etc. However, the belief that another person's pain is our responsibility can be problematic, leading to the development of an unhealthy way of relating: a symbiotic relationship. In this Psychology-Online article, we explain what is a symbiotic relationship and how to break it.
In a romantic relationship it is necessary to have the security that is created when both members recognize the other as an independent person with their own interests and concerns outside of the relationship. On the contrary, in a symbiotic couple relationship,
In a desire to unite with the other, symbiotic couple relationships create a fusion between two people who feel incomplete and cannot function without the psychological or real presence of the other. Generally, a member of the relationship assumes leadership and the protection of her partner, while the other is characterized by a fragility that prevents him from taking control of her life.
Examples of symbiotic relationships
Here are some examples of symbiotic relationships:
- A person feels guilty for their spouse's discomfort and he is not able to tolerate her anger, so he constantly puts him down, ignores her partner, does not listen to her or resorts to sarcasm. The other person responds with more anger, trying to be heard. They both share the belief that their pain is the other's responsibility.
- A person insults and belittles the interests of his partner, making you feel like they are pointless or ridiculous. Your partner, embarrassed, gives up their aspirations to please the other person. Both are afraid of abandonment, but while the first person expresses it through criticism, the second does so by being accommodating.
Sometimes people are guided by two forces that pull us in opposite directions. On the one hand, the need to have a close connection and to be loved and, on the other, the desire to maintain our individuality and autonomy. However, in a symbiotic relationship, people often find themselves between one of these two forces, feeling the need to choose between being themselves or being close to their couple.
So how do we eliminate this tendency to “objectify” our partner? To break the symbiosis in the couple it is necessary see our partner as a person separate from the relationship. This is the way to achieve not only a deeper connection, but also to have healthier relationships with others and with oneself.
According to Harville Hendrix[1], the reciprocity between two different and separate people, but connected at the same time, is the beginning of true love. This process is known as differentiation.
How to establish differentiation in a symbiotic couple relationship
As symbiosis diminishes (“you and I are one”), differentiation arises (“you and I are different and that's okay”). Differentiation is not isolation or loneliness, but the ability to balance autonomy and proximity so that both needs are not exclusive.
When we differ, we learn to be connected with our thoughts, values and feelings, while staying close to significant people in our lives. For differentiation to occur, the following is necessary:
- Disrupt the prevailing dynamic of the relationship: leave behind the fantasy of joining or merging the couple and celebrate their autonomy.
- Acknowledging and accepting one's own differences and those of the couple: consider them as strengths and not as threats. Explore the beliefs, preferences and vulnerabilities of each member of the couple to achieve a more personal positioning.
- Learning to tolerate the initial discomfort that differences can generate and assume a clearer individual position. This is essential to be able to make decisions freely, both inside and outside the context of the relationship.
- Replace judgments with curiosity and knowledge of the partner: In this way, we discover and accept the reality of our partner. When both people really get to know each other, the space between them becomes fertile ground for experiencing a deeper connection.
- Restoration of empathy: when we expand our capacity to differentiate ourselves from our partner, we break the symbiotic fusion. empathy It is the emotion that prevents us from being able to differentiate ourselves, without losing the humanity of the couple. It is not enough to understand that the couple is different, we must also have empathy for their difference.
It is important foster empathy in a conflict situation, since without empathy the “not me” can become “not human” and “not worth worrying about”. Empathy keeps the connection alive between people whose differences might drive them apart. In this way, we ultimately turn empathy into connection. In the following article you will find more information about how to have a healthy relationship.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
