We all know difficult people, people who seem permanently discontented, irritated, who behave in a rigid way based on their beliefs and do not tolerate a different opinion, who are inflexible, intransigent and insist on being right, who seem to always focus on the negative aspects and are anchored in the criticism. It's easy to let these behaviors get to us and ruin our day. Some people with these problems are very unhappy and cannot find their way to a better place. Others seem to think that the rest of the world has a problem and don't seem very motivated to change. In any case, if you have to deal with someone like that, you may wonder how to act to manage the situation.
In this Psychology-Online article, we explain 10 tips so that you know what to do when a person makes you nervous.
Index
- Look at yourself first
- Keep calm
- actively listen
- Don't be quick to judge
- don't disrespect
- listen and ask questions
- Acknowledge your part in the situation
- Don't get defensive
- set limits
- Don't take it personally
Look at yourself first.
First of all, to deal with difficult people it is important being aware of our own behavior patterns and the factors that can generate intense emotions. In these cases, the most effective tool to ensure that the situation will not escalate is to pause to acknowledge and observe our own emotional and physical reactions.
Before responding to someone who has made you nervous, try to reflect on things like what emotions you are feeling, where are localized, if you feel rushed or if you feel like responding in a way that you will most likely regret after. Sometimes we are the difficult people, even without knowing it. Therefore, it is very important reflect on your behavior, especially if you see these patterns of difficult interactions at different times in your life.
Questioning oneself can be difficult, but it will help us grow. For this reason, instead of waiting for others to change, it is more effective to work on ourselves. It is important to remember that we cannot control others, but we can choose our response and make decisions accordingly.
Keep calm.
It seems difficult to remain calm when we have to deal with a person who seems not to respond to logic, makes unreasonable demands, talks to you in a mean manner, or is critical in an unkind way assertive However, it is not impossible and it can be very helpful to make an effort to maintain your composure.
If you respond reactively right away, you may get swept up in the heat of the moment and skew your judgment. In addition, there is a good chance that the person will feel attacked and the conflict will escalate. For this reason, when you get angry with someone and get nervous, try to control your breathing. At these times, try taking a few slow, deep breaths. Here you will find some Breathing exercises.
On the other hand, another option to stay calm when a person makes you nervous and avoid saying something you might regret later is count slowly to ten. Most of the time, by the time you've reached ten, you'll have found a better way to communicate, thus reducing the problem rather than aggravating it. If you're still nervous after counting to ten, take a rest if possible and come back to the conversation later.
Listen actively.
Active listening is one of the best ways to resolve conflict, as everyone wants to feel heard. You will not be able to reach an agreement if the other person does not feel recognized. Thus, try to understand his position and what could have happened. As you listen, really focus on what the other person is saying rather than preparing your response.
Keep in mind that you don't always know what the other person is going through and it is likely that if they are upset it is because they feel some kind of vulnerability or fear. Understanding what is behind their reaction will help you manage the situation. In the following article you will find more information about the Active listening: characteristics, exercises and examples.
Do not rush to judge.
When a person makes us nervous, it is common for them to generate some kind of rejection and we tend to label them. However, behind the irritability and criticism that upset us there is often an unmet need that the person is trying to express.
As we've mentioned before, we'll never really know what's wrong with you if we don't ask. For this reason, don't be quick to judge, since irritable and uncompromising people are often the most unhappy. When you are faced with these types of situations, try asking yourself what this person really wants, why is she so upset, or what is it that she needs that she has not gotten and expresses through discomfort.
In other words, try reformulate the person's behavior and replace "unpleasant and aggressive" with "self-centered" or "insecure," or "cold and calculating" with "incapable of showing emotion." Take note of the subjective terms you use because they are often based on prejudice, and change them to more objective and less critical ones. If you develop a more realistic point of view about what is happening with the person, you will be able to deal with him or her more effectively.
Don't disrespect.
Conflicts with a difficult person can become problem situations when they escalate and how much the more the situation escalates, the more fearful, stressed, and nervous you will find yourself facing interactions future. Therefore, your goal with anyone who annoys you or makes you nervous should be tomake sure you don't make things worse.
Despite the fact that the other person may be unassertive and even rude, showing contempt and disrespect will not help you resolve the situation effectively. Treat him with respect and dignity and don't lose sight of your values no matter how much the person makes you nervous.
Don't return anger with more anger. Raising your voice, pointing fingers, or speaking disrespectfully at the other person will only add fuel to the fire. On the contrary, the most convenient in this type of situation is use a calm and calm tone of voice and resort to good words. In turn, do not try to speak above your interlocutor, allow him to express himself and wait until he finishes to express your point of view assertively.
Listen and ask questions.
Accusing or pointing fingers usually makes things worse, so try to resist the urge to fight to win the fight. discussion, since, although doing it may be momentarily gratifying, in the long run the problem will remain. Instead, try making a comment like "tell me more so I can understand things better."
Listen and ask questions instead of accusing someone leads to better results. Therefore, try to transform the nervousness triggered by the other person's behavior into curiosity. Try to find out what is behind the words or behaviors that make you nervous, what motivates them, what has happened for the person to act like this, if it is their usual way of reacting or if something has happened that has upset them, among other things things.
The more curious you are and the more you want to learn, the less the other person will focus on what caused them to be irritable in order to focus their attention more on what you ask. If you take their discomfort with interest, you will be able to manage the situation more effectively.
Acknowledge your part in the situation.
People who irritate us and make us nervous often teach us lessons as well. So maybe you need to ask yourself: What is this person bringing out in me that I don't want to see? For example, when you are around a person who is always irresponsible, they may remind you of times in your life when you have been irresponsible too.
Even if you are nervous about something the other person has done, the responsibility is often shared and you often contributed to the situation as well. Thus, reflect on your own behavior and what has happened in your interactions. In these cases, you can ask yourself questions such as the way in which you have contributed to the situation, if you let him know from the beginning that something was bothering you or if you have behaved in some way that could have hurt the other person.
Communicate how you feel and why you're nervous, and don't wait for the other person to read your mind. Also, acknowledge your part in the conflict and assume your share of responsibility. Sometimes we can inadvertently offend someone without even realizing it, but the situation can be resolved more effectively when disagreements are allowed to come to the fore. surface.
Don't get defensive.
When dealing with difficult people, our immediate impulse may be to jump to our own defense. It is normal to try to defend ourselves against unpleasant words or when someone says things about you that are not are true and your immediate reaction is "I can't stand these insulting comments that have no sense".
However, learn to answer It is just as important as learning to listen. If you get carried away by the feeling of unfairness and respond defensively, it is very likely that you will regret later, as highly emotional defensive reactions are not based on reflection deliberate.
In fact, this way of responding can make you lose sight of your bigger goals, like keeping your job or your relationship. We want to prove that we are right, but doing it out of anger and intolerance can hinder your long-term goals.
How to manage nerves
To deal with a difficult person and manage your state of nerves, you must learn to question your automatic defense mechanisms such as "nobody talks to me like that", "I'm not going to let you get away with it" or "my reputation is at stake". Resisting the trap that difficult people set for us is easier when you are aware of your vulnerabilities when you feel attacked.
On the other hand, it is very useful to know your instinctive fight, flight or freeze reactions when you feel threatened, and not participate in a conflict that will do you nothing. However, this does not mean that you should not defend yourself. It is important to assert your opinions, but without the need to be "above" the other at all costs. Remind yourself of your long-term goals: save time, energy and conflicts.
Set limits.
While some of the advice above encourages listening and letting the irritable person settle, vent, the truth is that you also have the right to establish assertive limits and not allow anyone to treat badly
Here are some steps you can take to effectively set boundaries when you're nervous:
- Identify your limits: It is important to know what makes you nervous or what you are not willing to tolerate. It may help to make a list of your boundaries and reflect on why they are important to you.
- Communicate your limits clearly and directly: Once you have identified your limits, it is important to communicate them clearly and directly.
- practice saying no: Sometimes setting limits can be hard because we feel pressured to please others. Practicing saying no can help you feel more confident and comfortable setting limits.
- Be flexible: Boundaries can be fluid and change over time. If you're feeling too uncomfortable, consider adjusting your limits based on what works best for you at the time.
- Learn to handle negative responses: Sometimes people may not respect your boundaries and blame you. It's important to learn to handle this denial in a healthy way and to remember that you have the right to set boundaries in your relationships.
Don't take it personally.
Often the most difficult interpersonal interactions are those in which we take things too seriously. personal and feel hurt or insulted by another person's behavior when it really has nothing to do with us. For this reason, watch your thoughts for distortions that make the situation more about you than it really is or that unnecessarily catastrophize the outcome of a situation.
Of course, very few of us are not bothered, at least a little, by the idea that someone is upset with us or doesn't like us. However, when a difficult person shows dysfunctional patterns consistent with different people and times, it is very likely that the problem is not you.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to What to do when a person makes you nervous, we recommend that you enter our category of Personal growth and self-help.
Bibliography
- Hasson, G. (2015). How to deal with difficult people: Smart tactics for overcoming the problem people in your life. John Wiley & Sons.
- Namie, G., & Namie, R. F. (2011). The bully-free workplace: Stop jerks, weasels, and snakes from killing your organization. John Wiley & Sons.
- Murphy, T., & Oberlin, L. (2016). Overcoming Passive-Aggression, Revised Edition: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career, and Happiness. Da Capo Lifelong Books.
